this wild & precious life

The Winds of Change....

2010-07-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

With each of these cancer scares that Trevor has had over the last 2 years comes a sense of calm and strength in our marriage. It makes us stop and take a look at each other and really remember why we came together to share our lives. Sometimes when I want to punch him in the mouth because he's making me so crazy I just remember that feeling of not knowing what our future will be...will he be okay...will he die THIS time from cancer? And then I relax. I think MAN am I lucky to have this jackass in my life...in our daughters life....and then I move on. I swallow my pride WAY more now than ever before.

Trevor and I are also free spirits. We love the outdoors, the mountains, the streams, the nitty gritty of camping and bathing in lakes. Our hearts are happiest this way.
When we were waiting for the biopsy results I couldn't help but think about Trevors job. How much he wants to do something different...something he LOVES. I though...if he has cancer this time....FUCK IT....we're going to pack our shit and go. To our family property in South Dakota....to a campground on the beaches of Michigan....to Spearfish Canyon to fly fish our hearts out....wherever our hearts would take us. Because life is SHORT and I'll be damned if my husband spends the last years of his life in a friggin' cubicle selling his ass off so we can have nice THINGS.

And then the biopsy was negative and the fire is gone. Well, I shouldn't say GONE...but it's dim. It's hard to make these changes in life. To give up our safe jobs and our cute little home to move into the unknown. But we WANT to do. It's just the all the "How's" that get in the way. These posts on Sundry's Blog have really inspired both Trevor & I in the last couple of days. It feels good to know that someone else is in this boat with us.

I think we can do it.
I KNOW we can do it.
We just need to make our plan.

Healing

2010-07-03T09:41:00.001-07:00

Trevor had to have a biopsy of a mass in his small bowel yesterday.

We now wait for the results....they should be available by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Please, if you believe in the power of prayer or sending healing thoughts....send them his way.

Thank you,
XOXO
Kristin

Lost

2010-06-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Kristin and I have lost 22 lbs. Where did it go? Is it under the rug? Is it in the backseat of the car? Is it in my locker at work? Is it Climbing a mountain in Wyoming?

No.

It has been shipped away to TimBuckToo. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!!!
Dudes. I feel great.

Goals

2010-05-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

Things I'd like to accomplish by the Fall:

1) Exercise 4 times/week
2) Save money every month
3) Be a patient wife and mom and daughter and friend and employee (sheesh!)
4) Do the laundry and then fold it and then put it away.
5) Let go of things I do not need.
6) Lose weight. For the LOVE of God.
7) Run a 5 or 10K for my 30th Birthday in September.

Things I'm doing to reach these goals:

1) Bought a new TRX to train on in my home. Starting a new running program.
2) Subscribed to Mint.com- husband and I are working on this together.
3) Working through some issues...this one is FOR sure a work in progress.
4) I hate laundry.
5) Began purging my attic yesterday...got rid of a huge bag of things. Garage sale in July.
6) Starting The Fresh Diet for one month to jump start my weight loss and begin to re-learn portion control as well as rid my diet of sugar. Because I am a sugar addict.
7) Ugh. I love running....but my weight is making it hard to do. Slow and steady with this one.

Any ideas or encouragement welcomed and needed!

Hello.

2010-04-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

We have survived the winter.
Yesterday was beautiful....in the high 70's with blue skies and chirping birds.
My girl and I had a great day complete with a field trip with Jenni to Ginger Blossom, a lovely organic farm slash eclectic market. After...a picnic with banana cake for the ladies and a banana for the wee babe.

Today.

2010-01-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

My father in law is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.
I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.

In Loving Memory

2009-12-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

In Loving Memory of our special pup Sativa.

This was the last picture taken of her....that night she passed away in our arms. She was 12. The love of our lives until Elkey came along. Trevor got her right after he was first diagnosed with cancer the 1st time. She was with him through chemo, radiation, moving from state to state. Meeting me. Falling in love. Buying our first home. Getting married. 5 years of marriage. Our first child.

Vacations, a million snow falls, hugs, kisses, road trips galore. She was a hunter....she was a romper.

We miss you Huskie. You gave us a reason to go play in the deepest snow on the coldest days. You warmed our hearts with your playful smiles. My heart hurts without you here. See you in Heaven my sweet girl.

Life.

2009-12-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

Life has really chewed my ass these last few months. Unfortunately it did not actually remove any of the fat from my ass....it just chewed me up and spit me out.

Trying to find balance and identify priorities and muster up strength. Wondering how other people do it. Wishing I could too. Wanting to be a great mama, have the endurance to make it through my day as a good nurse, and still have enough at the end to be a good wife.

I've sure had a lot of chances in this life. More than most. Hoping I have the maturity to make proper decisions and make the most of this opportunity. To learn and grow and lay down a foundation for me and my family.

I am definitely grateful for this life and for all that I DO have. It's silly and wasteful and childish to wish for more. I have all that I could ever need....my health....and love. A family.

I hope that you are able to find the true meaning of this Holiday Season...in whatever way you celebrate. I hope that you too are able to muster through the difficulties of these times and recognize all that you have.

XOXO

13 things I am doing on this day, the 13th of October

2009-10-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

1) Trying to visualize my office / dining room area rearranged to accommodate dogs new living area, as she is getting old and having a difficult time navigating our home and its slippery hardwoods.

2) Rearranging my bedroom. Again. It's a thing I can't stop doing.

3) Fantasizing about a new 48 oz. French Press...

4) Considering beginning my Christmas List

5) Preparing for Trevor to be gone at the Ranch from Friday to Wednesday. Wondering how I will manage to drink my usual amount of Oktoberfest Beer with a 4 month old around and no sober husband within a 500 mile radius. Oh Yeah....Grama Swanie!

6) Nursing a very screwed up lower back after hurting myself at work. 5K plans on hold....no running for this chubby girl until I lose some of this weight through diet and other forms of exercise. Too hard on my joints and low back.

7) Enjoying having Elkey sleep in her room at night....and *almost* through the night at that.

8) Wanting to burn all the CRAP that is cluttering my home and start anew.

9) Wishing the Money Fairy would come for a visit and take care of my medical bills and relieve some of our stress up in here!

10) Watching DVR'd Bravo shows...Rachel Zoe, Million Dollar Listings, Flipping Out, Top Chef, Real Housewives(any season) LOVE BRAVO!

11) Obsessively watching the video monitor...trying to will the baby to nap longer...Mama needs a break.

12) Deciding what pie I will bake for Thanksgiving....I'm thinking this one

13) Enjoying the dinner my husband made me...even though my eyelids are sweating because the top of the hot sauce "became unclogged" as he was spicing the dish.

I used to be an Athlete.

2009-09-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

This is going to be short and sweet because I have NOT STOPPED SINCE 7AM.

I used to be and athlete. So strong....with lots of muscle. I loved my muscles. Especially my calves. I ran in the mountains, climbed rock faces, biked logging roads through the ponderosa pines. Completed two marathons in Alaska. I had endurance.
I felt so good. I even liked my body...

Now. Now....holy shit. I am overweight. Like 60 lbs overweight and it's not all from the baby. Only about 10-15 lbs is left over from that.
I feel weak. Slow. Sluggish. Gross. FAT FAT FAT.
I can't do shit.

Today this former marathon runner started the Couch to 5K running program. In the dark. Because I'm to embarrassed by my body. Don't want people to see me lumbering through the streets. My knees hurt, my calves burned. I felt like I was carrying a 7 year old on my back. My fat exterior floated up and down around my weakened muscles. Like sausage casing.

After the first minute of running I almost started to cry. I almost turned back.

But I didn't. I kept going. I pounded the pavement in the dark. A shadow under the street lamps of my little town. Wearing my industrial strength sports bra made in Germany. I finished.

Workout 1 complete. Two more months left and 23 workouts left until my 5K. The Lincolnwood Turkey Trot.

After my run tonight....I gave up my last caramel filled, espresso cream cheese topped, dulce de leche birthday cupcake to my husband.

It's the end of an era....I hope.

Heartbreaker

2009-09-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ummmm. Hiya. I am updating from my iTouch while breast feeding in my very dark bedroom which is completely disheveled....much like my life is. Did you know that while babies are adorable and breathtaking and lifechanging and totally the best thing ever..... They are also really hard and also flabbergasting?

I am tired. And I start work Monday. And that kills me. Not the tired part (although I am sure that IS killing me softly) but the work part. I will miss the shit out of my baby girl. My heart is breaking.

That is all for now.

Smooshy Squooshy Fussy Mussy

2009-08-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

We are in the midst of a "fussy stage" right now. Yowzaahs. Won't sleep in her bassinet, or her swing, or her bouncy chair. Only on her mama's chest. Oh....and on the hammock. Which was made of a pretty striped canvas-y type material purchased at IKEA last year and left outside to rot all winter....so today when I sat on it for the mafizillionth time in the last week to quiet my fussy muss, it tore....in half. My ass bone landed on a very hard root and Elkey began to scream even louder. It was great. Then I tried to go for a walk with her in the stroller to my local sandwich shop to get a delicious lunch....but the screaming did not end and I was forced to retreat back home. Hungry and wired with fussy baby frenetic energy.

Deep Breaths...........

3 Weeks!

2009-07-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

My girl at 3 weeks getting ready to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Woodstock

Despite my sleep deprivation, I feel awesome. My body has healed and I am not feeling any baby blues....and maybe I'm not out of the woods yet...but I've got my fingers crossed that I've escaped it. I actually feel like working out again, but am taking it slow to start with walks at the forest preserve with Trevor, Elkey, and our dog, Sativa. I think I'll bust out the yoga next week....I'm feeling very stiff now that I haven't been practicing regularly.

You know you're a sleep deprived Mama when........

2009-07-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

You've spent half of your day, complete with a shopping trip to Baby's R Us, with your flip flops on the WRONG FEET!

Aaaaaand here she is sleeping DURING THE DAY....instead of DURING THE NIGHT when her Mama would like to be snoozing.

Elkey's Birth Story

2009-07-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

It was always my intention to have a natural childbirth. I envisioned myself laboring at home as long as possible, using my Lamaze techniques, rolling around the house on the big bouncy birthing ball and then going to the hospital at the last possible moment to deliver without intervention. No drugs. Minimal monitoring.

Well, you can wish in one hand and shit in the other--see which one fills up first.

Around my 28th-ish week of pregnancy my blood pressure started to increase slowly and my liver enzymes started to elevate. Two signs of preeclampsia. My doctors monitored me and the baby with once a month Level II ultrasounds, lab tests, and non-stress test fetal monitoring. All looked well except for those pesky liver enzymes that just wouldn't go back to normal. So as my blood pressure increased, so did my blood pressure medication dose and things were fine. Than around the first week of June my pressures were in the 160-170/90 range. I kept having to go to the hospital for monitoring. They put me on "modified" bed rest and I monitored my blood pressure at home. Finally, on June 17th in the late evening my pressures were consistently 180's/100's. The doctor sent me to the hospital for more monitoring. We got to the room, they checked my vitals, labs, urine for protein (which had been negative the whole time, one good thing I had going for me), hooked us up for a non-stress test and we waited. The nurse came in and had a funny look on her face....I said, "Oh man, my urine came back positive for protein, didn't it."
She shook her Head "no" and asked how we would feel about having a baby today (it was super early Thursday AM), and that it was the opinion of my doctor that I should be induced because of my blood pressure.

Trevor and I were shocked. We weren't planning on a BABY yet! We needed 4 more weeks of cuddling, dinners out, and general laziness! In reality though, we knew this was best for my health and mumbled and grumbled in agreement. I was immediately started on a drip of Magnesium Sulfate to relax my smooth muscles to try and prevent seizures related to my hypertension which continued until 12 hours after Elkey's birth. It made me feel hot,gooey, and shitty. I started to cry and told Trevor that I wished he could do this for me. That all that they were planning on doing to me was totally NOT MY PLAN....and that I felt scared about labor being strapped to a bed for hours on a million different medications. It wasn't my plan....and this new agenda just felt wrong to me.

They ripened my cervix overnight with an internal application of medication and then at 7am Thursday started me on Pitocin. Holy ba-jesus. Contractions were immediate, strong, hard, intense, frequent. I could barley move in bed because of the every 15minute BP's they were taking, the fetal monitor, and the IV magnesium which made it harder to walk. I started my deep breathing exercises....I rubbed my belly rhythmically, Trevor rubbed me with the tennis balls we packed. I sat at the edge of the bed...I rocked in Trevors arms. I struggled until 11AM when I was 5cm or so dilated and then I gave in. Actually, I didn't make the call. I couldn't bring myself to do it after all the months of hopeful planning for a drug free birth. Trevor called for the epidural. Thank you, Trevor for knowing and seeing what was best in that moment.

I got the epidural through a jillion petocin contractions and then layed back in bed and chilled out. I slept through the rest of my contractions on and off. We talked, we watched Cubs vs. Sox Crosstown Classic. It was strange not feeling my legs but I was thankful for the relief and needed the rest (an observation that I'm able to make now looking back at the situation).

Finally I was 10cm dilated around 3pm. However, the baby hadn't dropped very much...she was still at -2 station. pretty high up there. It was still time to push. The MD wanted to cut my continuous epidural dose in half so that I could effectively push. They called the anesthesiologist who was in c-section so I contued with that same dose. After about 15 minutes, I noticed I could really feel things again...and soon I could feel everything. I got on my hands and knees to push in a different position and when I turned over I noticed my epidural had become disconnected. I hadn't been receiving the meds for a long while and now...there was no numbness or relief to speak of from the epidural. The MD said that she wanted to keep it that way because Elkey was so far up and she and I would need all my strength to push her out....so no more meds for me. Then. THEN. I pushed. and I pushed. and I pushed. For all but TWO contractions over the next 4 hours. I felt everything. It hurt. I was nauseated and throwing up. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I just kept my eyes closed, focused. Pushed. Trevor was there for every single contraction with one arm hooked under my leg and another behind my head helping to fold me in half for each contraction. He counted to ten 3 times for each contraction, he spoke encouraging words. He whispered sweetly in my ear. He gave me everything I needed and more through such an intense time.
Trevor said he could see the baby's head for over an hour just slowly making its way out and finally crowning. When the head was *right* there I got a little extra through my epidural to take the edge off. I pushed with all my might, probably 4 more times...it STILL wasn't enough. they had to pull out the vacuum for a millisecond. They barley used it....but again, in my childbirth class when they talked about the vacuum and forceps I scoffed under my breath...they wouldn't be using those things on MY baby. Well they did. Also....I got an epesiotomy. Another little tid bit I didn't anticipate.

So...with a little extra suck from the vacuum, Elkey was born. Little conehead and all!

When they told us it was a girl, Trevor had to take a second look, we ALWAYS thought the baby in my belly was a boy! They set her on my chest and again, my intention was to breastfeed right away but she was "grunting" and needed a bit more attention...because of her grunting she was whisked away and sent to the NICU. She stayed there for the rest of her hospitalization...4 days. She was very sedated from the IV Magnesium I received and her appetite was poor. We went every 4 hours at the very least for her feedings.

I breastfed with a bit of formula supplementation. When I was discharged, Trevor and I drove to the hospital for her feedings. Luckily we only live 10 minutes away. On Father's Day we thought she would be able to come home, but she needed one more day because of her jaundice....so Elkey sent me out to get her daddy his first Father's Day tie in honor of the Cubs winning the Crosstown Classic on her birthday....apparently a good luck omen according to Trevor:

Finally on Monday we brought our special little girl home. What a treat....she is seriously a miracle baby. We both have always felt that we'd need help conceiving as Trevor and I both have different medical issues that could have potentially made it very hard to make a a baby. We still look at her and wonder how she is even here.

She was made just for us...for our little family.

Check It!

2009-07-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend Sam, of the blog Back To Me, and a few of her friends have birthed a newborn baby blog: Live Well Spend Well!

It's a great blog for the times..reviews on beauty, food, fitness, and health products all under $15...except for the OCASSIONAL Slurge Worthy item under $50.
Please go check it out- they are all great writers, great women, and they deserve our support!

As the fine ladies of Live Well Spend Well say, "feeling fabulous inside and out shouldn't have to cost a fortune!"

Late Post: Elkey @ 2 weeks

2009-07-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

Here is my girl at 2 weeks (minus the 2 week sign...I forgot) as well as a couple of other pics for you to enjoy!

Her "calvin" face from the cartoon strip Calvin & Hobbes:

Bathtime:

Birth story on the way soon....it's been more challenging than I thought to get all the details down without boring the hell out of you!

My Girl

2009-06-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Yes! The rumor is true! Our girl has been born....

Elkey Marion
Thursday, June 18th
7:19pm
6lbs 19in

Here she is fresh out of the oven:

On the day she was brought home (Monday):

And today...one week into life...with her pal, the buffalo:

Of course, her Birth Story is to come. It will take me a minute to type up so I thought I'd give you this little nugget to tide you over.

Thanks for all the internet love!
XOXO

Delicious nutty chocolate spread from heaven....

2009-06-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

Today.....I cut a ice cream sandwich in half and then spread nutella and peanut butter on the open faces of vanilla. It was better than the best. It was unreal.

Also...my blood pressure is elevated. So I'll be spending the rest of the pregnancy relaxing at home. No more hospital, which actually makes me sad :-(
But I've gotta get this baby to 37 weeks....I'll be 36 this coming Thursday....so like a week and half of extra super caution. Luckily everything is just about ready around here. Maybe I'll bust out some nursery pics for you to pass the time away.

Inappropriate? I think NOT.

2009-06-01T07:53:00.001-07:00

So...I have this issue. When I wear dresses, which I am doing A LOT these days because they are so comfy and forgiving, my underpants ROLL down into a bunch right off my hips and into the dangerous limbo land of....will they fall off or will they not.

Last week I had finally had enough of yanking at my bunched up bottoms like a 4 year old so I went to Gap Body looking for a solution. I weaved in and out of the racks and shelves not really finding "THE ONES". However, I did see a fellow preggo. She was WAY bigger than I, probably carrying twins, and holding a few pairs of underpants in her hand. So, I decided to ask her about her underpants situation...she was pregnant...had reached critical mass like I have...and is probably experiencing the same clothing issues as I. I walked up while touching my belly to show her that I am a fellow preggo and to not be alarmed by my intrusion, and said, "I know this is sort of a personal question, but what kind of underpants work for you? Mine are always rolling off my hips and belly into a bunch and I can't seem to find a pair that works".

She looked at me with HORROR. HORROR!!!! Can you believe that?!! It's not like I asked her this question in line at Starbucks or interrupted lunch with her boss at Panera. WE WERE IN GAP BODY and she was HOLDING UNDERPANTS IN HER HAND.

She mumbled something about a maternity store and scampered off. Seriously? This conversation with a fellow pregnant woman about appropriate under garments has flustered you THIS much?

Good luck with parenthood, uptight-crazy lady. GOOD LUCK.

I'm Lazy Today.

2009-05-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

Trevor just left for 6 days at The Ranch.
I am lazing about the house drinking lemonade and sparkling water with a red bendy straw...also I may or may not have had a Whoopie Pie from Trader Joes.
I will have a homemade fresh pesto pizza for dinner....watch Rachel Getting Married on "ON DEMAND"....and have a Root Beer Float.
Then I will sleep without Trevor hitting me all night telling me to stop snoring.

To make this post less boring...please visit my recently uploaded pictures from our Sanibel Island trip in March. I know I'm late. Stop your crying.

Organic Crib Mattress Giveaway

2009-05-05T11:20:00.001-07:00

Check out this organic crib mattress giveway from Natural Mommie! We were planning on buying an organic mattress anyhow, so why not try to WIN ONE!

http://www.naturalmommie.com/2009/05/naturepedic.html

Breathe..........

2009-05-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

I went to yoga today...slow flow yoga...it was wonderful and rejuvenating and healing and empowering. It was a special class, reminding me that yoga can heal the body and that with good intention and meditation you can change your life. So everyday I will use my body's strength and deep intention of the mind to try and heal myself....to try and fend off preeclampsia and the other complications that could arise as a result of preecplampsia.

And...I'm going to stop googling and reading about it. It's just feeding the monster. I read blog entries and NYTimes articles...I've found a ton of inaccurate information.

I am just going to focus on good health for me and my growing baby and keep positive. Even if things don't turn out the way I hope and pray for at least I'll have cradled myself in positivity and strength instead of anxiety and fear.

Quick update

2009-04-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

My liver enzymes have come down from the 70's and are now in the 50's. The perinatologist said that he doesn't start to get worried until they are in the low 100's. My blood pressure is great and I have no swelling. And only 15lbs gained so far. The doc took a nice long look at the baby...they measured a million different things....the baby weighs 3lbs and is about a week ahead in growth (actual weeks: 28 and 4 days, measured at 29 and 4 days). Baby looks great, no issues to speak of!
Trevor is convinced he saw a little penis in the very beginning, so we'll see.

I'll stil be on light duty at work, but can continue with my 30 minute walks, yoga, and prenatal massage.

Thanks for the mojo!

Things that are happening around here...

2009-04-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

1) I am wearing skirts and shorts...because it's warm. Thank you GOD.
2) Learning to accept stretch marks on my belly. They just SHOWED up two weeks ago. WHORES.
3) Rubbing my belly feverishly with oils and creams.
4) Reorganizing, rearranging, reinventing spaces in our little home.
5) Finding comfort in Apartment Therapy's small spaces features
6) Anxiously awaiting my new washer and dryer...I've never been so excited to do laundry.
7) Starting on "light duty" (no patient care) at work next week because my liver enzymes are slightly elevated...my OBGYN is watching me for preeclampsia and complications related to.
8) Seeing a perinatologist at a larger hospital on Monday. Scarey.
9) Trying to be chill.
10) Yoga
11) Monthly prenatal massage. Holy Heaven on Earth.
12) Picking colors for babys room.
13) Shouting commands at my Mom, Jenn, and Husband as I am no longer allowed to lift heavy objects and run up and down flights of stairs.
14) Stalking Ohdeedoh's nursery tours for ideas and inspiration.
15) Pregnancy has me on high alert, emotionally. Very difficult for those around me. One minute I love you, the next minute I am throwing the directions to put our new cabinet together at my Mom and trying not to use physical violence.

Ahhhhh......12 more weeks of pregnanct. I can't believe how it's flown by. I am praying for each of these next weeks to come an go without event. Let's keep this baby cooking per the manufacturers directions....40 weeks. Send the internet Mojo.

My 100th Post

2009-04-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

And a lame 100th post at that:
to tide you over...a couple of pictures from our trip to Sanibel. More to come!

At Our Special Beach between Sanibel and Captiva Island, aka "Santiva"

A shot of the belly...23 weeks I think...

Home Again

2009-03-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm back home. It's colder than Sanibel. When the windows are open I am blasted by cold damp air...not warm salty sandy caressing sunshine. Boo.
Also...my beautiful tan is fading...already. Hoo.

On the really awesome and positive side of things....after MONTHS of visits to the city for MD appts. at Rush and lots of medical bills, Trevor has had his surgery. The tumor has been removed...and in a shockingly glorious turn of events the final pathology report has come back NEGATIVE for cancer. HELL YES!!

When looking at the situation I feel bad that Trevor now has a golf ball size chunk excised from his thigh and a 6 inch incision. But the needle biopsy looked like cancer and if they had asked us to wait to watch the mass and biopsy it again in 6 months after they could get another tissue sample I would have saif F U!! and punched them in the noses. So...we had to go this route.

It's a relief that Trevor doesn't have ANOTHER form of cancer...and also that we won't need to fret and wonder if they got ALL of the tumor etc. Now it doesn't matter. It's out. It's not cancer. I can breath deeper. We can relax a bit and focus on our growing fetus and all the work ahead of us at our home to get ready for him/her.

Pictures from Sanibel to come soon. I don't have my regular computer so I need to wait til I can upload there in order to post them.

Now....to wake up husband from his nap and see if he wants to take me to a matinee and than a dinner of burgers. Mmmmm.....

Ahhhh...RELIEF.

2009-03-06T13:36:00.001-08:00

I sent an email to the in-laws (parental & sibling) these are their responses:

Mother-In-Law:
My dear sweet Kristin,

I was going to give you a bad time about your new tattoo but after Trevor told us how stressed you had been over the revelation, I just didn't have the heart to do it. However, I am going to scold you about stressing out over telling us about the tattoo....you should know by now that we love you for what you are on the inside, not the outside...and a tattoo is not going to change that. So put your mind at ease and know we have big hugs for you when you and Trevor arrive on Saturday.

By the way, we need you to email your flight information and I also need you to email the number of my transponder so I can update my account.

Start packing those bags and we will see you on Saturday (hope you can bring the little pup tent in the garage with you)

Love ya,
(mother-in-law)

Sister-In-Law:
You silly girl, you fret for nothing! We love you no matter what!!! Thank you for being so sensitive to our family, especially my little ones… and if Tessa asks about it, we’ll simply tell her that grown-ups choose to decorate their bodies in lots of different ways. She’s had fake tattoos before, so she’s familiar with the phrase. We’ll just go with the flow… I’m not concerned about it, and I certainly don’t want you to be either! We all need this break so desperately… let’s go and have fun and relax and be ourselves. After all, that’s one of things that I’ve always most admired about you… that you are always true to yourself no matter what. And that’s just as it should be, because you’re wonderful. Safe travels tomorrow – can’t wait to see you both next week!

Love to luv ya,
(sister-in-law)

Isn't that awesome? I still feel worried for them to actually SEE it....that'll be a shocker no matter what, but at least they KNOW now. I have just finished all of my Spring Break / Summer maternity clothes shopping. I got some good buys, splurged on a few things, and feel a little better about being a preggo chubsteak. Check out my Liz Lang maternity swimsuit, only $40 bucks!

Speaking of chub...I have only gained 6 lbs so far (pat on back)!!! We had our 20 week ultrasound this week (although technically I'm 21 weeks) and the baby is right on target for growth. We saw the little one yawn, practicing sucking, and grabbing at it's feet! Crazy! They sent us home with some great little pictures, when we get back I'll have Trevor scan them so I can post them.

Well...I'm off to Sanibel. I can't wait for the sand, shells, fruit, bike riding, schnappers hot dogs, swimming, and a million more things. I'll try to take lots of pictures to share....and you'll have to pretend to be happy for me.

Fear of My Mother-In-Law On The Sandy Beaches Of Sanibel Island

2009-03-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

In 5 days we leave for a well deserved vacation on Sanibel Island, FL where Trevor's parents have a house...and where they are also currently living....as it is winter nd they are lucky ducks.
Trevor's sister, brother in-law, and our niece and nephew will also be there vacationing with us. Sounds like an awesome family get away, right?

Believe it or not, I am DREADING our first day with them. Why? Well....because since the last time they say me in a short sleeved T-shirt I started my half sleeve tattoo....

It's something I have wanted for a long time. I put a lot of thought into it, I thought about my parents, Trevor's parents, our future kids, aging, the children's weddings (what will I wear so that I won't be the crazy Mom with her huge tattoo all over the place), and a million other things. Ultimately my husband was psyched about it, I was psyched about it and I decided to take the leap.
Obviously it's not finished and that's because after my 3rd session I found out that I was pregnant! YEAH! But BOO!! for finishing my tattoo! Now I'll be waiting until this fall or beyond to see the final product. See, my INTENTION was to show it too them all AFTER it was complete, not that they would recoil in horror any less, but at least they'd be getting the final product. After that plan was foiled be the fetus, I began planning on showing them before they left for FL. But there was never a good time...I would be on the verge of telling them...the words would be on the tip of my tongue...my hand on my sleeve to pull it up and reveal...AAAAAND then I would chicken.

NOW. NOW, I am their pregnant daughter in law with a huge tattoo. They are going to DIE. It would be one thing if we weren't going to be frolicking around in our bathing suits for a week straight...BUT WE ARE. Sigh. I am just dreading this whole thing. I wish in the moment when they finally do see it I could blurt out all of the things that I thought about when making the decision to get this...that I thought of them and that they were LITERALLY the ONLY reason I felt nervous to get it.
My own parents will have to love me forever and the accept me for me, and they know who I am, they GET me, I was never worried about their, or anyone else's opinion.

All I can think of is when Trevor showed his Mom the beginnings of his full sleeve tattoo and all she said was, "It's SO BIG" with this look of disappointment on her face. My husband thinks they'll be fine, and actually finds humor in my nervous-first-day-of-school-tummy over this whole thing. He just doesn't get it....and I have seriously thought of not going because of it, isn't that ridiculous!!?!?!??!

So...what do you think. Should I bust out an email to them before we get down there or should I just show up in a short sleeved shirt and have his mother faint in the airport?

Please advise.

Some news....

2009-02-12T18:15:00.001-08:00

Soooo....

I thought I'd share with you something we, as a little family of two + fetus, have been trying to juggle over the last two months.
As some of you may or may not know, Trevor has had cancer twice in his short 33 years. He is a ticking time bomb...cancer, falling off of balconies....this guy has nine lives.
Since before his first diagnosis with lymphoma 10 years ago he has had night sweats, which were associated with the growing cancer. After receiving radiation and chemotherapy he continued with the night sweats on a fairly regular basis. A lovely little souvenir from the big C. In the last year his night sweats have gotten worse and worse, they happen nightly...sometimes twice a night. Poor Trevor travels from bed to bed to couch just trying to catch a break and get a good nights sleep. As an oncology RN who works at the hospital where my husbands oncologist, Dr. T, has privileges I have a great perk that allows me to talk to him about any concerns, free of charge, as I please. So...last fall I started to mention Trevor's worsening night sweats. Dr. T blamed them on Trevor's diabetes...maybe low blood sugar at night? So, I tested his blood sugar at random times during the night and when he had sweats....the results were normal.
Blah blah blah, fast froward to December when I finally told Dr. T that the sweats WERE NOT related to Trevor's blood sugar or anything else. So he ordered a CT scan of Trevor's chest, abdomen, and pelvis. This showed a spot in Trevor's small bowel. So Dr. T ordered a PET scan....this did nit light up the spot in Trevor's small bowel But it DID light up a spot in his left thigh. I just thought it was a fluke related more to his big 3 story fall in July....but to be safe we pushed on. A CT of the thigh was ordered and then an MRI...the spot was still there. So a consult with an Orthopedic Oncologist at Rush in the city (Chicago) was ordered. Then a biopsy..and then we were told that it is, in fact, cancer!
A big relief is that it is not a recurrence of lymphoma, but a low grade sarcoma. The tumor is SO small and will only need to be surgically removed with no radiation or chemo. The Orthopedic Oncologist we are seeing is #1 in IL for treating these types of tumors, and #6 in the country. He literally sees and removes hundreds of them a year. Next week we will go back to Rush for an ultrasound to see if they can locate it that way because it is so small and will be hard for the Ortho. Onc. to locate with just the eye in the operating room.
Trevor is super lucky. I actually have had several patients recently with sarcomas in their thighs...and they were in rough shape because these tumors normally aren't found until they are much larger and present with more symptoms. Usually resulting in more invasive treatments.
Since December we've been playing a waiting game and holding our breath in anticipation of the next round of test results. We finally have a solid concrete answer and one that isn't so scary. To those who knew about this the whole time...thank you so much for your kind words and prayers.
To those people in my life who didn't know....I'm sorry that you are finding out this way. I just finally felt like writing about it and am feeling a little tired of updating family every other day with new info and having to look at worried faces all the time. Sometimes I'm not good at dealing with peoples responses to news like this. Some people have that sad look of pity...some people freak out and say things like, OH MY GOD THAT'S HORRIBLE. Some people just listen and give hugs, and that's best.

So...Internet friends, thanks for listening. Have a great night...maybe give your families a bigger and longer squeeze than normal. I think Trevor is getting sick of all of my big gooey hugs.

Another Topic Monopolizing My Brain....

2009-01-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

NOW all I can think about is money money money money money money.
Our budget, money in, money out, ways to save, trying not to shop....which is so HARD. That is our biggest issue, when we want something we just go and buy it. When we want to eat out we do. The two of us are a BAD combo because we don't keep each other in check.
We need more in savings...and I want to organize our spending and try to spend like we will when the baby is here and put the "baby" money over the next 5 months in savings for when the baby is actually here.

Another issue is that my husband works on comission. He has a nice base salary but we count on a certain amount of comission each month. It's hard to work on a budget when you don't know exactly how much money your working with.

Ugh. The good thing is...we BOTH have jobs. I know we are lucky to have this in our economy.

My question for you is...do any of you have a reccomendation for a good book on finances?

Gahh.

2009-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

I keep wanting to write a new post...but all I have on my mind is babybabybabybabybabyyyyyyyyyyyy. I don't want to BORE the crap out the few folks who read this blog that aren't a parent or expecting. But I'm telling you...that is HARD. I just can't think of much else!

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I am pregnant and that there is a baby in my belly ready to come live with us in less that 6 months. What is with THAT?!?!?! I need at LEAST another 9 months before I am going to feel prepared. Can you tell I'm a procrastinator?

The GOOD thing is that in the last 2 weeks I have become more excited about being pregnant and becoming a mama and less terrified by the whole idea. Also, I don't feel completely exhausted all the time and I'm able to do more than eat, sleep, and go to work.

So...sorry if I have put you to sleep with my brief blurb on whats up over here at OTOP....as soon as I have something NON-BABY to say I'll post it!

VS.

2009-01-14T14:23:00.000-08:00

Sooooo...we ALL know I was trying to lose weight BEFORE I got pregnant. I had just jumped back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon right around the time we (unknowingly) conceived. I was seeing success and feeling great and then I found out I was pregnant. Since then I have been watching my diet but not depriving myself and keeping up with my workout schedule of 3-4 times per week. So far in the last 14 weeks of pregnancy I have gained only 2 lbs. I think this is pretty good....I don't know how I compare to others, I may be right on the mark. But I was expecting to blow up like an elephant, and on top of the weight gain I STILL fit in my regular pants! This too may be normal but I had visions of me rolling around like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

The point of this post in a non-sensical,round about way is to tell you about this issue I am having: MY scale vs the OBGYN scale. I own an OFFICIAL Weight Watchers scale...the nicest scale I have ever owned. When I weigh myself on this scale the number it produces nearly matches EXACTLY the number on the scale I was weighed on at my WW meetings. Imagine my horror when I walked into the OBGYN for the first time and it is seriously SIX pounds higher than my home scale (& the WW meeting scale!)!!!
I don't know why this bothers me SO MUCH but it kills me every time they weigh me on that devil bitch scale.

Things That Need To Get Done Before The New Human Arrives: A List

2009-01-10T14:55:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to nap and all my mind can do is bounce from room to room in my house thinking of all the crap that needs to be accomplished before July 16th. Actually before May let's say, just in case the wee one throws a monkey wrench in my face and decides he/she wants to some early or do naughty things to make me lay around on bed rest for 2 months or something. Luckily, my in-laws will be at their home in Florida for the winter and we will be moving into their house that is just 10 minutes away to stretch our legs. We do this every winter, it's a nice break from our little house.

So here is my TO DO list from mid-January to May in all of its likely boringness.

1) Clean the garage
2) Paint the deck
3) Paint the trim on the new sliding glass door
4) Organize our office area and files
5) Reorganize the cabinets in dining room and kitchen
6) Build a pantry in the basement for overflow from the tiny cabinets
7) Make room in one of these tiny cabinets for baby stuff
8) Dry Clean oriental rug in living room
9) Organize and create a system in our hall coat closet
10) Organize our attic
11) Build bookcases for overflow books in the attic
12) Re grout and seal the tile in the shower, seal around the tub, install a new window in the shower
13) Organize the bathroom and linen closet, get ride of products that haven't been used in years..also make room for new humans bath stuff
14) Paint nursery, hang shelves, buy furniture
15) Go through closets in both guest room and master bedroom....somehow put all of our clothes in our room and an overflow wardrobe in the basement
16) Hang shelves and new photo collage in our bedroom
17) Find lampshades for stupid lamps I bought 2 years ago for 5 dollars each at Anthroplogie and have yet to find shades that fit.
18) Clean and organize basement
19) Clean and create a nice laundry room space...I hear I'll be doing even more than I do now. I think I need to hire a laundry gimp who lives in my basement.
20) Donate or sell all the items we purge from our house at the family garage sale this summer.

This will be me in no time:

Some stuff about the last year.

2008-12-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

A meme from Sundry!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Started growing another human being in my body

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions because I never stick to them. it's always disappointing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My best friend Samantha, my childhood friend Jamie, and two of my friends at work.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit? Is Park Rapids, MN a country?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Jeez. More money in savings, more patience, enough money to take unlimited yoga at my favorite studio for a year, an organized home.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 21st-the day Trevor plummeted to the ground from a 3rd story balcony and broke his body. November 14th-the day the pregnancy test read POSITIVE!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a nurse!!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not taking hold of our finances like we had planned. It's so much easier to be lazy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Injury- Trevor's "balcony incident"

11. What was the best thing you bought? New and fancy yoga mat

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? OBAMA!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Blago the Governor....California (Prop 8)

14. Where did most of your money go? Our house and "things" (I'm being honest)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being pregnant (also really, really, really scared.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Ridiculous but....I Kissed A Girl.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier...but also sadder due to my insane and raging hormones of death.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter...due to the baby. Not MUCH fatter though (yet)
c) richer or poorer? Richer but not by much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Camping with husband and family

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve at work and then with Trevor's family for their annual cocktail/dinner party, Christmas Day with my family, the day after with Trevor's family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Hills. Please don't hate me.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. I don't hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read? The Devil In The White City!!!!!!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Susan Tedeschi

26. What did you want and get? A baby in my belly, The healing of my husband, A job as a nurse, the health of my family.

27. What did you want and not get? A million dollars, a home on a lake

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Humbolt County

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28...and I can't remember. Isn't that terrible??!!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A more organized and less cluttered home.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Yoga casual.

32. What kept you sane? Yoga

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eddie Vedder in all his hotness.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage.

35. Who did you miss? Grace, Jamie, The Gissel Family, friends in general because we are all so damn busy.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Gosh...I haven't really net anyone new that has stayed in my life. I think any of my patients...and their are a few really special ones that grip my heart.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Life is so damn temporary. Painfully and heart achingly temporary. Make the best of this amazing time...try not to focus on the crappy everyday little things. Focus on the miracle of being ALIVE.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. again...drawing a blank...

Happy New Year all!!

On Fear....

2008-12-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

So....the other day a good friend of mine from nursing school just looked at me and said, "you look really scared. are you scared?".

Her words surprised me, because while I TOTALLY feel that way, I'm trying not to let people know that. I feel this expectation to be blindly ecstatic with visions of a perfect pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby and perfect, perfect, perfection. Unfortunately, being in the field I'm in I see and hear a lot of stories and I know that bad stuff can happen...and I just feel scared that some of that stuff will happen to me and my baby.

Also...I feel scared of actually having the baby home with us after he/she is born. I am so nervous about how that will be and how will I know if they are okay and am doing the right thing. I'm scared of the exhaustion and the 24/7 need for me. I said about a month ago that I almost wish that Trevor and I didn't wait nearly 5 years to have our first child because I know how damn EASY and carefree these years have been. I do realize that I'll look back at those years and be thankful for our 1 on 1 time.

I also worry about how huge I'll get. I was already losing weight trying to get ready for a pregnancy....but then SURPRISE! It happened sooner that we thought. So now I'm all in a tizzy about how much weight I'll gain and being healthy and looking at that Shape of A Mother website and rocking myself to sleep at night.

I hope that these fears start going away. That I can start to feel more joyful and live in the moment of my first pregnancy.
Did any of you feel this way? If you did, how did you quiet your fears and just GO with it?

A little hostility.......

2008-12-18T06:37:00.000-08:00

You know you're having ISSUES with your hormones when the dog barks at you from the sliding glass door to come in from the freezing cold and you grumble to yourself, "GOD! Why can't the damn dog just quietly ASK to come in? WHY does she INSIST on BARKING SO LOUDLY!!?? Can't she see I'm on FACEBOOK?! JEEEEEZ!"

I'm trying to maintain serenity....I really am.

Let's Raise Some Cash!

2008-12-16T06:50:00.000-08:00

Hey all! My blog pal Pseudostoops is giving away her hard earned money this week to a few different charities and could use your help! All you have to do is go to her website and comment on that days post and she'll donate an additional $.50 to the charity or organization featured that day on top of the $25 she has already pledged! You don't have to say anything special....you can even type "I am commenting".

Here it is in her words, "This year, instead of one large-ish donation to a favorite organization, I’m going to give several smaller donations to smaller local organizations. These are organizations I know either personally or professionally, that are perhaps not as well-known as some of the bigger charitable causes. All of them are organizations to which I’ve never donated money directly before (though for some, I have donated time)".

On Friday she doesn't have an organization to feature so in your comments each day you can also put a vote in for the organization of your choice and hopefully it will be chosen for a minimum donation of $50!

Let's rally for Pseudostoops and all the folks who will benefit from the donations!

READY, SET, COMMENT!!!!!

and, AND...

2008-12-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

I got to visit the baby in my belly today! I had some cramping and went into the office for a check up...everything looks fine, so no worries there. But today you could see how the amniotic sac has formed, the start of the umbilical cord, and the blood flow from me to the baby through the cord!! And, when I thought it couldn't get any better, the baby in my belly started to MOVE AROUND...and I got to see it! It was like a little seahorse wagging its tail at me!

AMAZING!

The Ultrasound Says.....

2008-12-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry to keep you waiting!
Officially....I am 8 weeks pregnant! Yesssss! Everything looked good and I'm scheduled for my next appt in 4 weeks.
However, I DID have to go on Labetalol for my blood pressure. I have been on medication for my blood pressure for about two years (I have had issues iwth hypertension since I was 18 but I didn't need meds until two years ago) and went off of the meds per my Cardiologist as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I have been keeping close tabs on my BP everyday, taking it at home in the morning and evening and the results have been suprisingly great off my usual meds. On a few occasions my pressures went above the acceptable range after stressful days at work, etc. Thus resulting in being prescribed a new, safer BP med for pregnancy. In addition to the medication I have been continuing with yoga 3-4 x/ week, cutting back on sodium, and not drinking a single lick of caffiene. Painful but true.

Thanks for the good mojo!!!

Butterflies

2008-12-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

I have butterflies in my stomach today....in fact they're not just in my stomach...they've traveled up into my chest and throat. They're strangling me!!

I'm so nervous because today is our first appointment with the OBGYN. I've been having nightmares every night that range from the doctor telling me I am not pregnant, that my uterus is incapable of carrying a baby to full term, to a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It's quite ridiculous....but each time I think of walking into the office at 2:45 today I feel panic well up in my chest.

I think it's hard for me to grasp the idea that Trevor and I made a baby without even really trying. I have an irregular menstrual cycle and he has a low sperm count due to a series of radiation treatments for cancer years back. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??
I must confess that I have always thought, deep down, that we wouldn't be able to have children. I know so many people who struggle with conceiving, who've had multiple miscarriages. How could we be so lucky, so blessed?

I have always wanted children, I love children....and I've never felt the depth of this desire until I found out I was pregnant. I am so afraid that today I'm going to be told it's not true....it's just killing me.

Deep Breaths.

I have a full day ahead of me: yoga, a meeting at work, and then the appt. I'll let you know how it goes.

My Body is Playing Tricks On Me

2008-12-02T07:25:00.001-08:00

Hello.

I am nauseous....but I still feel like eating (WTF???). So I eat.
And then....I am still nauseous.

Jeez.

I love you tiny little baby....but I feel upset right now because all I want is this hideous feeling to go away.

For you, a suprise!

2008-11-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

About 3 weeks ago, I was admitted to the hospital for chest pain. They did lots of tests, did an ultrasound of my heart called a 2D Echocardiogram and found a crazy lump in my atrium and then did another test called a TEE (transesophageal echocardiogram) where they sort of sedate you and jam a tube down your throat, ultrasound through your esophagus to your heart (which is now a mere 2mm away or something crazy) and they found that the crazy lump on my atrial wall was nothing to be worried about, in fact it wasn't a lump at all but some fibers that are no big deal. I was released and all is well. During this time they did a pregnancy test...which I was secretly hoping would be positive...but it was negative. Oh well. We weren't really trying anyhow.

Fast forward to last Friday 11/14. Still no period. Sore breasts. Moody. PRAYING for my period so this hell could end.
The alarm goes off, it's 6am. Trevor gets in the shower...I have to pee. I can't fall back asleep. Peepeppeeeeepeeepeeeeee. Damn! I guess i have to get up. I decided to take another pregnancy test. The best time is in the morning, first pee. I have a pregnancy test, by chance. So, Trevor's in the shower I lumber into the bathroom, we exchange Good Mornings.

I pee on the stick.
I watch it progress.
Trevor showers.

It looks like this:

(not my actual test)

My hands start to shake and I fumble for the instructions, I compare. It is, in fact, positive. Holy SHIT!

I ask Trevor if he wants to see something crazy. He pauses and says, Sure?
I jam the test through the shower curtain and he is unsure of what he is looking at. I shout that it's a pregnancy test....and it's POSITIVE!! He looks at me with disbelief...we both are just standing there, water going everywhere, we are going to have a baby.

Through out the day I take another test...it's still positive. However, Trevor still is not convinced. He tells me to go the hospital (where I am an RN) early before I have to start my shift and see if any of the docs will write a script for me to have a blood test. So I do. I go to work, I find one of the docs I work with all the time, tell them the situation, they tell me I don't need the test, that the urine tests are accurate, but if my husband insists ( a great perk of my job). I go down to the outpatient lab, they draw my blood, and a few hours later I find out that my serum quantitative Hcg level is over 7,000. This freaks me out because I have no idea what that means. I look it up and learn that a non-pregnant woman's Hcg is <5. My number indicates I am somewhere between 5-6 weeks along. Which is what my OBGYN though when I called to make an appt. earlier in the the day. I call Trevor, he can belive now. When I come home from work we go out to eat. We don't say much....we stare at each other with wonder...with fear...with joy...with anticipation.

So, yeah. I'm PREGNANT.
It's still early and I am well aware of all the risks....but I had to share...and I'm so excited, and OMG!!!

Today I feel Winter Is Here

2008-11-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

I like the winter.

But, MAN this cold weather and these dreary skies are bumming me out.
I am really having a tough time adjusting.
So tired...so gloomy...so unmotivated.

I just want to sleep and stay wrapped up in my down comforter on my couch for the next 4 months.

I hope it snows soon...and the sun shines bright. Then I'll feel happy again in my winter wonderland. The dog and I will hike at the forest preserve and I'll feel the quiet serenity of a winter day envelope me. The sun will be glitter beneath my feet.
I'll feel better then.

Damn.

2008-11-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

Why is it that a non-fat eggnog latte is STILL over 400 calories?
Why is it that a non-fat peppermint mocha is STILL over 300 calories?

Why?

I...the unsuspecting dieter that I am...have gone into Starbucks twice this week thinking that I'm safe ordering the non-fat milk option only to find out later in the day after looking up the nutritional info online that I have SCREWED myself and must live out the remainder of the day eating only lettuce.

Now tomorrow I must workout after my 14 hour work day of nursing. I am going to be incredibly unpleasant after completing this workout. So....anyone who is required to engage in any sort of conversation or activity with me should just avert their eyes and do something nice to appease me.

I'm just saying.

My motto for this holiday season is this:

It's A Beautiful Thing

2008-11-06T05:18:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest, in the beginning when the two Democratic candidates were a Woman and an African American man I thought we were screwed. Not because I didn't think they were capable of doing an amazing job...but because I didn't think this country had come far enough to elect either one.

And then there was Tuesday...and I witnessed one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I had tears....and my throat hurt from the lump that was stuck there with pride and overwhelming joy for the 44th President of the USA. I am so proud of how far our country has come. I am so proud of Barack Obama.

Let Him Be Well
Let Him Be Happy
Let him Bring Peace
(a little something borrowed from my yoga instructor)

GAHHHH!

2008-11-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

I've been without internet since we last spoke!
I didn't realize how absolutley, yet ridiculously, VITAL the internet is to my daily grind.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
My internet providor is like a small crippled monkey...and I feel very frustrated with them. At one point during our 4 conversations over the last week I spoke loudly into the phne and said, "I'm a nurse. If I f***ked up as much as you do people would be dead...THANK GOD YOU DON'T HAVE THAT TYPE OF RESPOSIBILITY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! This is your JOB and you are sooooooo bad at at it. You should be disappointed in yourselves." Now I realize this sounds a little extrreme. But I had FOUR different conversations with them, each lasting greater than 2 hours...and EVERY TIME they still had NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. But now I have phone and internet again and I can feel more calm. CALM......

So now, I'm just stretching my legs and getting comfortable with the internets again...will be back to tell you the story of my hospital visit...I'm fine..don't get your panties in a bunch....also another tasty recipe...and general ramblings.

Two Things

2008-10-27T10:08:00.001-07:00

Thing One:
Trevor and I are cracking down on our budget. This is such a challenge for us and has been for the entirety of our marriage. Now with the current state of our economy it's easier to say "I'm on a budget" without feeling cheap or stingy. It allows us to stop that "keeping up the jones" mentality. So, one major thing we have changed is making a meal plan and only grocery shopping once a week. Real Simple's Nov. 2008 issue helped me this week with their "Love Your Leftovers" & "Five Easy Dinners" articles. The first recipe I tried was I the Creamy Mashed Potato & Leek Soup . The recipe is meant to use your leftover mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving....so I had to make a batch first. I just used some baby potatoes, skin on, half a stick of salted butter, & a head of oven roasted garlic. Also, I substituted half of the low sodium chicken broth with regular. Low sodium broth is the devil. I also added a touch of Old Bay seasoning, white pepper, & black pepper to taste. This soup was easy to make and I am telling you that when you eat it you'll feel like you're eating potatoes and lots of creamy fat goodness. But in reality the only creamy fat is the butter you use to make the mashed potatoes. I served it with a small salad of organic greens with homemade balsamic vinaigrette and a slice of hearty bread. HELLA!

Thing Two:
We are entering the cold weather season in the Midwest. This is distressing to me. Not because I don't like the weather....because I LOVE the cold, but because there is a large number of whiney Midwesterner's who BTICH the entire winter season about the temperature. Also it seems that the topic of conversation ANYWHERE you go is the cold. How cold is it outside? How much ice and/or snow is on the ground? What are the roads like? What is the temperature? What is the windchill?

It is cold out. The roads are probably crap. It will be this way for many more months. Get over it. It's the Midwest...either take the winters as they are or leave. No amount of your bellyaching will change it.
Thank you. I just had to get that of my chest.

Buy nothing new for a month??

2008-10-23T14:56:00.001-07:00

I've decided to try the "buy nothing new for a year" thing....but only for a month. I thought I'd give it a try...and try it month by month on a trial basis. Maybe I'll make it 2 months, maybe I'll make it a year.

I walked into Target to return a bunch of shirts and random crap I had bought last week while my husband was away. I realized that I didn't need these things and that the money was better off in my account. I realized that while I give my husband a hard time for spending money on large ticket items...I do a lot of frivolous spending of my own.

At the end of the 4 weeks I'm going to compare my bank statements and see what a dent my "latte, target, pottery barn, gap, old navy, jamba juice, eating out, ebay, etsy-factor" has on our pocketbooks. I'll probably want to curl up into a ball with nausea when I see it....but it will be a good reality check.

Tell me, have any of you ever tried anything like this before?

Perfect in our own way.

2008-10-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's getting cold at night. The air is no longer thick with heat and I walk my huskie throught cool brisk night air...I can see the high school stadium lights a few blocks away and hear the crowds cheer and the announcers voice boom. the sky is clear and crisp and the stars brighter...I walk a few blocks enjoying looking through my neighboors bright yellow windows into their lives for a few seconds each. I breathe pure fall air. I get to the sidewalks end and I am across the street from my home under a wide maple tree, standing with the street lamp spattering through the leaves casting pointy magical shadows onto my feet.

There is my house...the garden tall the mulch thick. Bright fall mums in my window boxes and fall grasses in my hanging planters. the porch lights call me home and I look throught the bright yellow window into my life and its perfect.

hi !!!!!!!!

2008-09-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

Hey All!!

I'm alive! Husband and I were Up North for a week! I will tell you all about it on Wendesday because I am tired now and tomorrow I work!

Exclamation points!!! I guess I love them a lot today!

Foodie Meme

2008-09-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

Trevor and I consider ourselves to be foodies. Before I met him I wasn't much of one though...I didn't like mustard or onions or asparagus or medium rare meat, or sushi. I didn't know the names of more than 10 spices. I remember sitting across from him at dinner when we first met...he was TALKING about his food. In depth. Asking me QUESTIONS about the flavors I was experiencing....asking my opinion on the TEXTURE and richness of an onion pearl (which i hated but was trying for him). I remember wanting to slam his face against the table and tell him to shut the f**k up and just let me eat already. Really. I felt that irritated by it. My mom was, and still is, a great cook...but in a different way. In a home cooked MOM way. Trevor introduced me to a wild and crazy world of flavors and textures. After a few months of being forced to talk about my food, I actually began to enjoy and learn from it. I began to try a whirlwind of new things and understand the complexity of food. Now....we love to talk about food together. I no longer want to cause him physical harm while we dine. The pinnacle of my foodie experience was with Trevor....at Charlie Trotters last December. I had just finished nursing school and to celebrate he took me to experience food ecstasy. Charlie Trotters printed up a special menu with a message of congratulations just for me....and then we got a tour of the kitchen. The food was more that just food...it was art...it was transcendant....it was heaven. The evening was a pure delight. I'll never forget it.

So...the point of this post is....I saw this Meme over at Green Style Mom....thought it was a good way to get a blog entry in this week!

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.

2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.

3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating. (I don't know what command crosses out...so I'll use and exclamation point)

4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at http://www.verygoodtaste.co.uk/uncategorised/the-omnivores-hundred/ linking to your results.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. !!Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes (some berry and dandelion...GROSS)
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. !!Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu Nah
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut. (best warm!)50. 50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV (PISGAH BREWERY!! HELLLLLAAA!!)59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores62. Sweetbreads (had them in a NYC restaurant years ago... I didn't know what I was ordering!)
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette.
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. !!Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.(No...a dream of ours)
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. !!Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam (I can't believe I've never tried Spam...)
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa (no, but sounds really interesting)
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee (back in my Prescott College days...)
100. Snake

Home is where my sanity is. Most of the time.

2008-09-04T15:35:00.001-07:00

Major lesson learned from husband falling from 3 story balcony and having to stay in a hospital bed for 5 weeks at his parents house:

I LOVE my little house and all its cramped spaces and disorganization and tiny 1940's closets with no room and not-so-perfect drapes and dog hair tumble weeds and deck with chipped paint.

We do not need to live with my in-laws for a year to save money for a bigger house.

I am perfectly content in staying here and saving as much money as we comfortably can each month. I feel happier knowing that our first child will be with us in our first home where we humbly began...they will share in that togetherness with us. Maybe not REMEMBER, but they'll know that they slept under our little roof and ate veggies from our little garden and swung in our striped hammock with us. I remember feeling a sad pit in my stomach when we made the decision to move in with my in-laws...not because I don't like them or felt it would be particularly difficult, but because I really wanted a BABY in THIS house....in our little yellow room with lots of light. In my mind it has always been "the nursery".

So, now we can do that....with confidence and without wonder.

Living with my in-laws these last 5 weeks because of Trevor's injury was a blessing in disguise. We learned that while it's great to have a Mom and Dad cook and clean for you, pay the cable bill, walk the dog, offer to do laundry, load the dishwasher, and have a hot meal waiting for you at 8pm after a 14 hour day....it ultimately feels WAY better to do those things on your own...at your own speed, on your own terms. I think it was after the first 2 weeks when we just looked at each other a blurted out almost simultaneously that we couldn't wait to get back to our little house.

So here we are. Back home. Piles of laundry and dishes. Doors off the hinges so Trevor can maneuver easily. A 3 foot pile of paperwork to shuffle through. Barely any food in the fridge.

And it feels so damn good.

Things I have been doing.

2008-08-25T17:45:00.001-07:00

-Reading the book The Devil In The White City by Erik Larson
-Listening to Liam Finn and Katy Perry Two very different artists...but both make my ears happy.
-Working out with Factor 5 Fitness as my guide with my new YMCA membership through my parents. a la on the cheap.
-Sitting 2nd row center at the Eddie Vedder show from his solo tour last Thursday...sexxxxxxy dude.
-Staying at the Hyatt Regency downtown using priceline.com's name your own price dealy. Super cheap.
-Painting my bedroom walls this color (the can on the bottom right) with this color trim
-Using this tape that sucks ass to assist me in acheiving paint perfection, but instead doubling the amount of work I have to do and making me feel like killing others because I must spend even more time breathing toxic fumes in my small ass bedroom. It is NOT operator error. I am VERY good at painting & taping.
-going to car shows in Madison and McHenry with my family
-working
-sleeping
-giving my husband hugs
-strangling my husband
-hugging him again
-eating the "That's How I Roll" ice cream treat at Cold Stone Creamery.

For The Love Of God.

2008-08-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

WHY???

I saw someone wearing these today.
Why.
Why would someone think that THESE CROC HIGH HEELS are a wise fasion choice?
I am not a fashion guru but I know that this is, in fact, WRONG.
A BAD PURCHASE. A WASTE OF MONEY. A SURE SHOT AT GETTING LAUGHED AT BY MANY.

Today's Mood = Disgruntled

2008-08-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

It's August. Seriously, WTF.

-I have YET to really go swimming in my parents Lake.
-I have NOT enjoyed very many barbeques on our deck, or anyone elses for that matter.
-I have BARELY gone bike riding on my normal paths through out Lake County.
-I feel like our vegetable garden is TORTURING me by s l o w l y ripening one tomato at a time.
-I don't have a great tan. You can KEEP your skin cancer comments.
-I lost my iPod in March somewhere between my in-laws and my house...and STILL cannot find it. So my Summer 2008 Playlist?? FUCKING GONE.
-I can barely leave Mr. Broken Pelvis' side without feeling like a BIG JERK, so any hope for Summer Activites for the last 3 weeks and for the next week are hopeless.

And much, much more.
Growling, Grumble, Grrhh, Spit, Hissssssss.

Scenes From My Life: July 20th-July 31st

2008-07-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday, July 20th @ 3am:
We are at the Herrington Inn & Spa spending the night after our friends beautiful wedding and a night of merriment. Josh, Trevor's best friend in from Arizona, is staying with us in our room and we have just returned after some drinks, dancing, and lots of fun. I immediately jump in the shower as I am sweaty from dancing and wet with rain. I'm in the shower for a few minutes when I hear, "KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK...KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK!!! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!!

"WHAT?!", I yell.
"Ummm....Kristin? Trevor just fell from the balcony!!", Josh shouts.

My mind stops and I jump from the shower..grab a towel and run to the balconies edge to see Trevor laying on the ground 3 stories below.

Thursday, July 31st @ 7:15am:
I am asleep in a guest bedroom upstairs at my in-laws. It is my belief that my husband is asleep as well, in his hospital bed in the dining room downstairs. I am dreaming when in the back of my consciousness I hear, "KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK...KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK!!! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!!

"Come in...", I sleepily say.
The door swings open and in a panic my father-in-law stands there and says, "Kristin, I walked into the kitchen and Trevor was standing there trying to make his way to the bathroom"!
"GODDAMMIT", I yell.

I grab a hoodie and zip it on as I practically tumble down the stairs to Trevor who, by now, has made it too the bathroom....and he's naked (because he can't get boxers on due to the pelvic fractures...but now he can walk??!! WTF??!) He is in considerable pain. I grab his Dad's office chair with wheels and help Trevor's naked ass on to the soft leather that his Dad will later sit on and do work from. He is squawking and moaning as I roll him to the side of his bed...and we maneuver him into a laying position with his legs elevated.

I shout, "You are the stupidest person I know! If you pull that shit again, I'm going to send your ass to a nursing home to get rehab! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Trevor meekly nods his head in agreement and keeps his mouth shut..because he knows I'm THIS close to punching him in the face.

I need a drink.....and it's not even noon.

Home...sort of.

2008-07-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

Trevor (AKA: Spidey, Batman, The Amazing Rubber Man, or anything else you'd like to call him) is now home, since Saturday, at the my in-laws, in their dining room. He has a nice hospital bed with a gel mattress and trapeze to help him maneuver on his own in bed and a great view out to his Mom's beautiful garden. His dad and brother-in-law ran some cable up to a TV and he's all set with his PlayStation 2. We're going to embark on a marathon of the TV show Lost when we get a DVD player hooked up....that should take up at least a week or two of our time, right?

He will stay in bed for the next couple of weeks, work from home as he's able, and then head on over to the Orthopedic Surgeon's office August 13th via ambulance for xrays of his spine, pelvis and right hip. If all goes well he'll get permission to start more intense physical therapy and will begin walking with a walker (I'm thinking I'll spray paint a "Camo" design or flames on it). I made the appt. a little early because our Godson's 1st birthday party is on August 17th...and if Trevor is able to go he'd love to...so we're going to press our luck, see if the universe with throw Trevor yet ANOTHER bone and go in about 5 days early and see if he has healed enough to get is arse out of bed! The worst they can say is "no". His desire to get our of bed a little earlier is also spurred by the Ten Club tickets we have to see Eddie Vedder at the Auditorium Theatre on August 21st. He figures he'll be in a wheelchair and will be given a handicapped seat close to the stage. If Eddie happens to find interest in him and his situation I think we'll have to substitute the "Trevor was acting like a Jackass story" with - Trevor was trying to rescue a kitten, puppy, and/or elderly woman causing him to tumble three stories. Maybe then Eddie will kiss me and ask me to marry him...I mean tell Trevor he is his hero.

Thanks to EVERYONE for your thoughts, prayers, and healing vibes. They have surely carried us through this last week.

The Things We Take for Granted

2008-07-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day and I just flipped through the latest issue of Playboy that came for Trevor in the mail. Hey, I like the articles!

I felt so tired and my eyes were heavy from a long day by his side and a few hours on the floor nursing other peoples husbands to health as mine lay a few doors away in pain. Hard.

I turned the lights out..and that's when the sadness comes, when I begin to feel overwhelmed.

God. I want him here in bed, even though he sometimes makes annoying sounds as he fights his way to sleep. I just want him here to hold hands with and to snuggle with in the dark. I don't want to watch TV alone, where is he to fight with me about watching another damn stupid episode of Flipping Out? I know he is sleeping alone...in the hospital...I wonder if he is awake wondering where I am...or if he's in pain. I think of the many more weeks it will be like this and my heart is aching and the tears flow and I feel like I can't do it....and I feel angry with him for being so stupid and I feel sad for him and his broken body...and I feel selfish because I want him to know how hard these last few day have been, but I've been so strong for him...and he has no idea. I can't wait to see him in the morning but I dread the moments when the pain is unbearable and I can't make it go away and he looks up at me with those frantic and confused eyes..why am I letting him suffer?

I feel thankful that we have so much support...and I can feel the good vibes of love and healing....but all I want is my husband back in bed with me....and it feels like that day will be so far away and my heart bleeds and my eyes cry and all I want is the strong arms of my healthy husband and his warm chest to wipe my tears on.

Dahna na na na, Dahna na na na nahna na na...BATMAN!!

2008-07-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

I am in the hospital typing this, not as a working RN, but as a visitor to my husband who had a terrible accident late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. He fell 3 stories off of a hotel balcony onto concrete. He has three broken ribs, two fractured vertebrae, a fracture in his sacral spine, two fractures in his pelvis (one in the front and one in the back-picture a lifesaver broken in half), and a fracture at his right hip joint. He has a small internal bleed that seems to be stable and is in a lot of pain, but thankfully, that's being pretty well managed. This morning, he also had an IVC Filter placed to help prevent any blood clots from working their way to his heart or lungs.

By the grace of something or someone MUCH larger than us he has come away from that night with his life and no change in sensation or movement in his legs. Also, as far as the orthopedic surgeons can tell from the xrays and scans he's had, he will not need surgery. Tomorrow we will know more and a plan will be established. We are well, we transferred from the ICU of another hospital to the unit and hospital I work at, so it's like being at my home away from home. I can totally trust my fellow RN's and the surgeons here...also I can be a busy body here and have my hands in more of his care...that's kind of hard to do when you're in another hospital. We are SO THANKFUL for this outcome....like I said, our situation could be MUCH worse.

I know some of you reading this are close friends of mine and are probably FREAKING that I haven't called to tell you. Just know my minutes have been consumed by our situation and updating family and I'll give you a ring soon. It's just a bit hard to make the call that starts with, "hey, Trevor fell 3 stories onto the hard concrete ground and his body is broken, OHMYGOD!"

Some of us have nicknamed him Batman...others have taken to calling hime Spidey. :-)

Life Changes

2008-07-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

So. Trevor and I want to move sooooo badly. We've lived in our great little 1940's Cape Cod that is so cute for four years now...our first house together. However we are feeling so cramped and we want to get into a little bigger of a home before we start having kids. The problem is the shit-ass housing market. We wouldn't get what we paid for this house. That sucks. Also, we need more of a down payment to move up into a larger home. To get to that point quicker we have come to the conclusion that we need to rent our home and *cough* moveinwithmyinlaws.

Sigh.

This has been a hard option for me to comprehend. I am a grown ass woman. I think of waking up in the morning with oily skin and a squirrels nest for hair and walking down to the kitchen with no bra on, running into my father-in-law and I want to fall over and die. I think of coming home after a 12 hour nursing shift wanting to flop down on the couch and instead having to retreat to "my room" like a 16 year old. Not that common spaces wouldn't be available for our use...but sometimes you just want to be alone with a beer and HGTV and not have your mother-in-law asking if you want a cup of tea and and hour of "Dancing With The Stars".

On the up side we would live there for 12 months. 4 of those months they would be in FL at their winter place. We would save a crap ton of money. In the end we would be in a bigger house and possibly have an investment property (our current home).

My in laws are awesome people...very generous and kind. We are lucky to even have this option. Also, if it were my parents house we were moving into I would feel just as light hearted about this decision as Trevor does. The thought of it all just takes some getting used to.

I'll keep you updated.

People Like This Exist, Scary.

2008-07-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

My best friend Samantha of this blog sent me an email today with a link to this voicmeail recording.

Holy Mother of God. This man is IN-MOTHERF***ING-SANE. You MUST listen to this.....THE DOUCHIEST PHONE MESSAGE IN HISTORY.

P.S. Couldn't embed the message here becase blogger is the devil.

Contests & Sexxxy Tattoo's

2008-07-01T15:02:00.001-07:00

Check out Trevors new tattoo...HOT! I didn't upload the pictures here because sometimes Blogger is a stubborn whorebag.

Over the next 6 months Trevor will be getting a full sleeve tattoo completed by Patrick Cornolo of Speakeasy Custom Tattoo in Chicago. Theses first photos are a little squirrely because of the black and gray outlines. The black ink will continue to be seen after color is put in but the gray will not, giving the gray outlined areas the feeling of a painting. Patrick said that people might think that the tattoo is in the process of being removed...or that the tattoo artist is shitty but, in fact, it's just the first step of many towards a beautiful piece of permanent art inspired by our family ranch in South Dakota.

As far as the whole contest thing goes....my mom and I are engaged in a weight loss contest. It's called "The Sacred Toe Shake Challenge"....don't ask.
This September, Trevor, my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, and I are all going out to my in-laws winter home on Sanibel Island, FL for a week of R&R. It's been a long time since we've had a relaxing vacation and a REALLY long time since my folks have had a relaxing vacation. We are looking forward to good food, fishing, exploring, swimming, shelling, and late night chats on the porch.
Today while chatting about the trip, my my Mom said she'd like to lose 10lbs before we leave & with that we decided to make a contest out of it. So, whoever loses the most by the trip gets a $50 treat/souvenir of their choice, a tighter ass, and bragging rights. Little does SHE know, I'm already engaged in a weight loss challenge with my sexy lover Lance Armstrong and that I've lost 3 lbs as of today!

AHAHAHHHAAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Blah, blah, blah.

2008-06-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to post about...work has been really hard this last week, lots of challenges and learning experiances.

I have been so enjoying not having to go to school and work and it's caused me to become LAZY! I have barely touched my gardens this year and I have yet to plant my window boxes or hanging baskets. At least I made the first step and bought all the annuals to go in my planters....they're just chillin' on my back patio waiting.

Trevor is starting his full sleeve tattoo tonight. That should produce an interesting story or two and rev my blogging engine. I'll post pics tomorrow.

As for today, I am heading over to a friends for yoga and then I'm going a little North to a farm called Ginger Blossom. It's s uper neat place that sells importes rugs, clothes, furniture, and home goods from all over the world. The woman who owns the place teaches yoga in the farm field on Sunday mornings and grows organic produce. What could be better than that?!

Flickr Meme

2008-06-22T14:17:00.001-07:00

1. Mice Parade – Kristín Anna Valtýsdóttir, 2. a fairy cake, 3. drilling, 4. Beautiful old lady from Darap(Sikkim) village, 5. Eddie Vedder with Kings of Leon 28 June 2007, 6. Orange Wine, 7. Enter, 8. Handmade chocolate cupcakes filled with blueberry cream and topped with dark chocolate ganache and some more of these absolutely delicious wild blueberries, 9. Cute Calf !, 10. Watching the fireworks, 11. You And I Fly A Ship Seeking The Warm Unending Sky, 12. Fire ! / Argentina

I've seen these collages of photos before...but NEVER knew how to make one until I was over at Green Style Mom and saw her Flickr Meme. What a great idea....I had fun exploring Flickr in a way I have never tried before.

I hope you try it out and let me know if you do it....so I can see YOUR Meme too!

Try it yourself with the Mosaic Maker

The concept:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker.

The Questions:
1. What is your first name? Kristin
2. What is your favorite food? Cake
3. What high school did you go to? Mundelein High School
4. What is your favorite color? Red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Eddie Vedder
6. Favorite drink? Sangria
7. Dream vacation? Sweden
8. Favorite dessert? Delicious Chocolate Cake
9. What you want to be when you grow up? A Mama
10. What do you love most in life? My Family
11. One Word to describe you? Seeking
12. Your flickr name? T&K Cannon

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Dare to.....LIVESTRONG

2008-06-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that the bathing suit challenge is missing from the side bar over there---->

That's because I suck. I suck at taking care of myself. I excel at taking care of others, considering their lifestyles and how they need to change and what I can do to support them, caring for sick and sometimes dying people, caring for my husband who is a cancer survivor and a newly diagnosed type I diabetic.

I just can't manage to watch what I am eating....monitor how I am physically doing. This BREAKS MY HEART. I have regressed in my health habits and I have to change or else I am going to age ungracefully and feel like shit when I am 40. Even better, the heart attack trifecta of diseases run in my family: high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease. I will die much younger than my goal of 100 years old if I keep this up. I know that we can't control how long we live our lives, but we can certainly do things daily to prolong our stay and make it richer.

This is one of the reasons why I have taken the LIVESTRONG Dare to become healthy again.
Here's a description of the program from the LIVESTRONG website, "OUR MISSION: DARE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE
We believe everyone has the power to make their life better. Our members are people who want to take responsibility and give 100 percent to achieve everyday victories to help themselves and then help others.
Demand Media and the Lance Armstrong Foundation built LIVESTRONG.COM as the definitive daily health, fitness and lifestyle destination. Through trusted content, interactive tools and an engaged community, LIVESTRONG.COM will help people take action to make the most of their life, their time, their body and their world."

This website allows me to plug in my daily activity and food eaten and does magical calculations! I can see calories, protein, fat, and carbs eaten in pie chart form! I can use a cool little gage to "rate" how well I do each day at working towards my "DARES": Lose Weight & Exercise Regularly. There are tons of articles and experts writing on all sorts of health related topics and a huge community of people just like me trying to better themselves.

I have always identified with the LIVESTRONG mission...and have owned a thousand bijillion LIVESTRONG bracelets since the very beginning of Lance Armstrong's campaign. Part of me did this because I am passionate for the search for a cure for cancer and also because I want to jump Lance's bones. Sorry, I'm just being honest! At one time we even had a Lance Armstrong poster on the side of our fridge for me to drool over each morning. My very good friend Grace sent it to me and Trevor allowed me to worship it for about a year and then mandated that it be removed.

Anyhow, here is my first "blog" post on my LIVESTRONG website(I haven't yet figured out how connect the feed to my new
LIVESTRONG challenge sidebar thingy ----> )

Hopefully my recently re-adopted LIVESTRONG bracelet will remind me of the biggger picture and my goals each day as I work my way through this challenge.

I will accomplish this goal if it KILLS me. I thank you all for supporting me through my schizophrenic quest for health. Your comments and words of encouragement really have helped motivate me and I hope you continue to read and support from afar.

And this anger is after and HOUR AND A HALF OF YOGA.

2008-06-18T13:47:00.000-07:00

I am the woman gritting her teeth behind you in line at Target as you bust out your CHECKBOOK and proceed to use six g-damn gift cards.

I am the one burning a hole in your back with my beady little eyes as you take your sweet ass time WRITING OUT A CHECK.

Seriously? You are the same age as me! You MUST have heard of these things called DEBIT CARDS. My God, woman. I am baffled by you. I want to rip that checkbook out of your hands and burn it. RIGHT HERE ON THE CONVEYOR BELT.
I bet those stupid ass checks have puppies and/or kittens on them.

FUCK.

Who is still doing this? WHO, besides my Mother??

Winds of Terror.

2008-06-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I lived in a house built by my Dad on a Lake. It's one of my favorite places on Earth despite what I'm about to tell you. The house is nestled in amongst the tall trees, making windy storms somewhat frightening for my Dad who is always trying to protect us.
Whenever there was a storm that produced strong winds, my Dad would rip us from our beds and herd us down into the basement....waaaaay in the back by the furnace room away from ALL windows (our basement was a walkout) with all the necessary gear to live a comfortable life holed up in the furnace room for a week or two. I remember these moments like they were yesterday...I remember being asleep and then terrified for my life as we skipped every other stair in a mad dash to get to the furnace room to sit on the cold floor and dream about what sort of hellish fate we faced. Would it be a tornado that swirls us into the next county? A flash flood that would drown us all in that small room? A firey tree, struck by lightening...crashing into the house smashing us AND setting us on fire?!!

The only time I ever felt safe sleeping in stormy weather was when I was deamed old enough to move into the bedroom in our finished basement. Nestled away, where the only evidence of storm was the rain dripping on a vent...making sweet pitter patter noises. The thunder and lightening didn't even scare me because it would have to penetrate throught the floors above me...and THAT would never happen! I was safe!

Those moments have translated into a very strong adult fear of storms. The house I live in now, with my husband, is a little old 1940's Cape Cod nestled in amongst very large trees. Trees that would fall onto my house and squash me in my sleep (were I sleep in the TOP floor!) if they were blown down by storms. Lately, we have had a lot of thunder, lightening, 70 mile an hour winds, and sideways falling rain. This rain pounds the window next to my side of the bed and wakes me up. I wake in a state of panic, shouting unintelligible commands to my husband to get down into the basement. He, apparently, is not phased by the fact that at any moment we could be pinned beneath a 10,000 lb mature tree gasping our last breaths and saying our last "I love you's". He is not scared by this thought and just continues to sleep peacefully as I stumble out to the living room, do a quick check of The Weather Channel to get a preview of my possible fate, and then scamper down into the basement with the dog, sit on my treadmill in the dark with an AM radio, a blanket, and my cell phone while the dog pants in fear at my side.

I'm thinking that this is something I might want to work on BEFORE I have kids and perpetuate The Cycle Of Storm Insanity.

Last Day of Vacation

2008-06-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

We woke up....I drove to Black Mountain to pick up brunch for the three of us at the Morning Glory Cafe. I got Dad's Famous Fish Tacos...I'm a sucker for good fish tacos. We ate on the deck, the mountain wind blew...and then Megs friend came to pick her up to take her off to Wellspring Camp were Meg will be the Field Staff Supervisor for the summer. It was her first day and she had a lot of work to do so we said our good byes....and then she left. Heavy Heart.

Lark and I putzed around the house for a bit and headed off to the airport. On the way we stopped and bought a bucket of fresh picked strawberries from the sweetest old man on the side of the road.

I could barely understand what he was saying between his southern drawl and the wet ball of chew in his lip....but Lark seemed to understand him and we left with a big bucket of sweet tender strawberries and headed into town for one last stop.

Mmmmm. I had been eyeing this place the entire trip but we never seemed to find the time to stop. I was determined to enjoy a treat before leaving...so we stopped in and I slipped in to bliss with a Coconut Cream Cupcake from The Sisters McMullen Cupcake Corner. Sweet Mother Of Pastry Heaven. Lark and I enjoyed our treats and drove peacefully to the airport. I hugged her goodbye...I grabbed my luggage...and with a full tummy and a fulfilled heart...I flew home to Chicago with cherished memories and time spent with some very special people in a very special place.

Day 4 of Vacation!

2008-06-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

This day, we drove a few hours to The Nantahala River, rented a boat from the Nantahala Outdoors Center, and went whitewater rafting! Lark, Meg's lady, is an Outward Bound instructor and Meg and I both have had skads of outdoor education...so we felt pretty comfortable on our own. I say "pretty", because it's been almost 5 years since the last time I whitewater rafted in Alaska...and I'm not the most comfortable in fast moving water. But, I adapted and had a great time. The day started out mellow, then we stopped for a picnic lunch that Lark packed, and then we finished the day in a downpour of rain...but it felt good to have rain pelt my face while on a river, surrounded by The Smokies. It was beautiful....just what the doctor ordered. (of course, with a dry boot on my foot to protect my fresh tattoo. After, I peeled the boot off and hobbled over to bathrooms and received my first "stranger" tattoo compliment...I must say, it felt really good, even though that's not why I got it)

We finished the river in 3 hours, changed into warm clothes and snuggled up in the car for the hour drive back to Asheville. We ate carrot sticks & Reese's Pieces, listened to The Postal Service, and enjoyed the Mountain scenery.

After a warm shower at Meg's house we headed to her friend Maggie's for Maggie's 30th Birthday celebration. We ate poodle cakes,

played Root Ball & cards, drank good beer, and sat on the porch with friends on teal Adirondack chairs and enjoyed good conversation. I met some folks who went to Prescott College at the same time I did...we had fun reminiscing...everyone was so friendly, I never felt like a stranger.

We headed home...got into our jammies...and slept.
A long hard sleep.

Gone To Yoga

2008-06-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Yoga, Yoga, Yoga.

How I missed you. How my heart ached without you.
Once again, you bring peace to my hectic life.

I resumed regular yoga practice last week. It has been amazing. I didn't realize how badly my body and mind missed it until that first day and I couldn't believe I survived without it. Marlene, my instructor, and I talked after class and she told me that even the most dedicated of yogis need a break sometimes...that it makes you realize how vital the practice is to your life.

Boy, was she right.

"To allow ourselves to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence." - Thomas Merton

Will Be Back Later,

Day 3 of Vacation

2008-05-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Meg woke me up with a delicious breakfast of eggs, veggie sausage patties, bagels, and rosemary potatoes. We drank french press coffee and slowly woke for the day.

We drove into downtown Asheville, did some shopping at Malaprop's Bookstore, and drank lattes. It was a beautiful day for a casual city stroll and good conversation. She is one of my most genuine and favorite friends....writing this makes me feel a little sad that we can't be together more often. Then I was introduced to the wonderful world of Amazing Savings: "One of Asheville's best kept secrets. Organic and natural foods at 50% to 80% off because they are either almost out of date or they are out of date or just overstocked." Can you even believe this? We bought stuff there for $.99 that you would buy at the regular grocery for $5.00!! They had my cereal, luna bars, organic fruits, veg, spices!!! It was insane the discounts to be found there! I would be SET FOR LIFE if I had one around my house. Can you imagine..Trader Joes AND Amazing Savings?!

After I was all riled up from money saving we decided to wind the hell down with some drinks and sunshine at the Root Bar and played Root Ball, a game I had heard a lot about from Meg but had never played. It's a super fun and easy outdoor game. The day was true blue summer....with sand between our toes on the court, dogs frolicking under foot, good beer in hand and lots of friendly folks.

Then. Then! The grand finale of the day: we went to Empire Tattoo (the birthplace of several of Meg's gorgeous tattoos) and I got this delightful treat with my sweet husbands blessing from across the country. It was kind of a spur of the moment...but not really. I had wanted this tattoo for a long time, but with a peony bloom. However, I'll soon be getting a larger piece with peonies and I didn't want to be the incredible peony tattoo lady. So, I changed the flower to a branch of the Tulip Poplar tree, a beautiful sight I had only seen in Asheville. The day before I went a little nuts and took a million pictures of one on campus. In memory of this great trip: the branch and bloom. And the quote: from memories of a childhood filled with Cat Stevens records, a line from my all time favorite song in life, "The Wind". (not great quality sound in this link, but the best I could do).

Big Happy Smiles.

I'm a NURSE. A real NURSE. On my own. From now on.

2008-05-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

I made it through my first two days unscathed!!

I wasn't coddled by my co-workers either. (I've worked at the hospital on this same unit for the last 6 years as a unit secretary and nurses assistant) I've had two really busy days and now their over...I feel great!

The best thing about being on my own is I don't have to conform to another persons way of organizing their day and priorities. I can do it all on my own and if I have questions or need a second opinion I have a lot of resources around me.

The worst part about these last two days (thankfully) is that yesterday I got my period...and I forgot to put deodorant on, and we all know how hormones during this special time can make us sweat and be a little more fragrant. And I didn't realize this until AFTER I started to smell like a sweaty 8th grader. I put some deodorant on from the patient supply room...but it was too late. I had to run around all day with my arms plastered to my sides like an Irish Dancer.

Just call me Michael Flatley, RN.

Oops, I crapped my pants! (old SNL skit.....anyone?)

2008-05-26T18:45:00.001-07:00

I'm totally shitting my pants right now.

I was fine until about 10 minutes ago when I came to the true realization that I am going to be on the floor tomorrow as a nurse BY MYSELF. I won't have my preceptor at my beckon call to help me when I am feeling overwhelmed by my patient load. I won't have someone right next to me to bounce ideas off of or ask stupid questions of. I am ON MY OWN. Tomorrow is that day that I have worked towards for so long and it is giving me diarrhea.

Damn.

Also, now that I am on 12 hour days 3x/week I can finally get back into my normal yoga and workout routine. It has been such a struggle to find the time and energy to devote to my personal fitness goals. My body is in misery.

Here is a list I wrote tonight thinking about why it is important to eat right and exercise regularly:
1) Prevent Diabetes, Stroke, Heart Disease, Hypertension, High Cholesterol, Cancer, & Kidney Disease. All things that come with the territory of being overweight.

2) Increase my energy level and release stress and tension, in turn decreasing my risk of stress related physiologic changes

3) Be a better example for my patients and future children

4) Increase fertility

5) Improve my self image

Back to being scared. My God. I am so nervous right now.
I know I can do it. I'm just friggin' terrified.

Day Two Of Vacation

2008-05-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Meg had to be up at 7:45am to start checking out the freshmen that she manages as a Resident Director. I was allowed to sleep in a woke to hear a familiar voice in the living room...it was Peter, a long time friend of Meg's. He and I had a met a few years back when I was at WWC for a visit. The three of us went to breakfast, caught up on each others lives, and then Meg and I packed up her car with some of her stuff and headed to out the her summer destination, Wellspring Adventure Camp (WAC), where she'll be the Field Director. On the way we stopped a Filo, a wonderful little Greek cafe with homemade morning treats, breads, and espresso. We bought some Black Bottom Macaroons and iced lattes and headed up the Blue Ridge Parkway for a magnificent drive to camp. The Smokey Mountains have some of the most beautiful views that I've seen to date, no matter how many times I drive this Parkway, I am always breathless. Meg told me the story of the young Native American boy Falling Rock, and we arrived at camp. When we pulled up, our EMT training kicked in and our adrenaline started pumping. There was a firetruck, news vands, and a helicopter. We were sure there had been a terrible accident with the staff at WAC. Luckily that wasn't the case, however something just as tragic had a occured. The previous Tuesday a man and his son crash their small plane in the mountains above camp. Their bodies had been removed the day before and this day they were removing the wreckage. The helicopter was to fly up to the crash site, tether up the plane, and then fly it to the field at camp where it would be placed on a truck bed and sent to Atlanta for investigation. We watched the helicopter take off into the mountainside, but he returned emptied handed as it was too windy and dangerous to complete.

Meg and I took her dog, Stella, for a swim in the river with some other dogs, chatted with her fellow staff for the summer, and unloaded some of her stuff in their room. Ahhh..to be a transient hippie outdoor educator once again. What a life.
We left camp, headed back to Asheville a different way, through some old towns that we had explored the first time we were ever in NC together on a road trip to her college to check it out. It was a trip of a lifetime.

When we arrived back home we were beat. We ate some lunch and proceeded to watch trashy TV for a few hours, including Keeping Up With The Kardashians and American Gladiator. Our plan was to wait until her partner, Lark arrived home from her latest Outward Bound trip (she's and instructor) and then head out to see a local band. Plans changed, as Lark got home late and we were all pooped, so Meg and I made a trip to the grocery store for Movie Food and we settled in for the night to watch Superbad and drink beer under snugly quilts with Reese's Pieces and popcorn.

Nice.

Day One of Vacation: A Summary

2008-05-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hey all I am back!

I had an amazing time in Asheville, NC with one of my most Best and Dearest Friends, Meg. We had such a great time...living in her world is such a vacation from my reality, and here's why: she lives on campus as a Resident Director in her own little 2 BR 2 BTH apartment at Warren Wilson College, complete with deck and Brazilian hammock. WWC is the most beautiful and quaint college campus in the world, nestled in a valley of the Great Smokey Mountains...with a fully functioning organic farm. A cafeteria that serves cheap, organic (from the college farm and surrounding farms) food, as well as a little cafe called the Cow Pie that is 100% organic and VEGAN. Not that I am vegan or anything, but when I can, I eat that way because I love too! The dorms are spread out all over campus and many of them have different themes. The Wellness dorm is a place you can live if you want to be free of drugs and alcohol and commit to a lifestyle of wellness. The Eco Dorm is completely sustainable, solar powered, with composting, and their own organic garden out front. Etc Etc. I will post pics soon, I can't today because I left the "special cord" that does that sort of thing in Meg's living room.

Day 1:
I arrived in Asheville, NC. Meg picked me up all hopped up on coffee and Full Throttle energy drinks, smoking a cigarette. This day was her last day of school and she had been up since 4am (it was now 11am) working on a final project. She had gotten only 2 hours of sleep. We went to her last class EVER for her Outdoor Leadership major (she has a second major she is finishing up next semester in History). We had a great few hours in her Social Justice class doing initiatives for a presentation of a fellow classmate and engaging in thoughtful discussions. Not what I had expected on a vacation, but so wonderful and thought provoking. I miss those days from when I went to Prescott College, in Prescott, AZ for Adventure Education. There is something so familiar about that day that I didn't know I missed.
After, we mellowed out and chatted over Hawaiian Pizza before heading to Pisgah Brewery to meet up with some folks. Totally organic...totally amazing beer. Meg brings me a jug each Christmas. I emailed them about 6 months ago, asking if they could send me a case. They said that they didn't ship and that I'd have to wait until next Christmas when my friend could bring me more beer (crazy beer hippies). Luckily, I didn't have to wait that long. The crazy thing about this brewery is that it's only open to the public on Thursday nights. So, you go in, buy your jugs of beer to stock up for the week, listen to live music, and drink beer inside the very warehouse where they make the beer. They sell to surrounding bars...so I was able to enjoy a few more pints through out the next 5 days, thankfully.
Since school was out for summer, we had a lot of socializing to do and goodbyes to say. We went to Meg's friend, Emily's house and drank a few more pints, burned veggie burgers on the stove, and played Catchphrase for the next 4 hours. My throat was sore from screaming the answers (I get very into this game) and from laughing uncontrollably. Emily is interesting, to say the least. She is a dread-headed, gay, 20 year old woman. She had just completed a half-ironman triathlon,is a double major in Outdoor Leadership and Environmental Chemistry, does Ham radio with her dad and is certified in doing so...I had no idea you could be certified in that. In fact, in her home town of Lansing, MI, her house is the tallest point, because of their ham radio antenna. She can also do Morse Code. Once I found this out, I proceeded to make tapping noises with my beer bottle on the coffee table in "sequence" asking her translate for the next 15 minutes. I would highly recommend this to anyone who is drunk and happens to have a drunk friend over who is fluent in Morse code. She was the funniest and coolest person I had met in a really long time. (sounds nerdy-but is true)

The night ended with me sharing my latest Us Weekly with Meg and explaining to her who all the people are in the magazine as she is fairly removed from that sort of crap. We had a late night best friend chat and then passed out for the night.

A great first day.

Week 2- Slacker Edition

2008-05-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm a terrible blogger.

I know, I know. I didn't post the week two picture of the Bathing Suit Challenge.
I have excuses, they involve me being tired and busy. Family time for Mothers Day. In my spare moments, getting ready for vacation.

Yep. I'm going on vacation. I'm going to hang in North Carolina for 5 days with one of my favorite people on earth, Meg. I'll totally post pictures (if I can find away to pack my camera b/c I'm a habitual overpacker, but it will be a priority).

So, this weeks update will include no pictures, but it WILL update you on my progress:

Week Two: I began integrating more lean meats and continued to workout.

Starting Weight: 187.3
Weight Loss this week: 1 ish lbs.
Current weight: 182

Total weight lost 5.3 lbs

I'll be back next Tuesday with a happy heart and rested soul...and some pictures to share!

Have a great weekend!
XOXO
K

Week One of Bathing Suit Challenge!

2008-05-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's been one week in the Bathing Suit Challenge and I am doing great. Each week I will expose a little bit more of my body and update you on my progress as I get ready to post the whole she-bang on June 23rd!

Week One: I began working out more regularly and eating better

Starting Weight: 187.3

Current weight 183.3

Total weight lost 4lbs

Tasty-ness!

2008-05-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am on on a detox diet.

THERE. I said it. I didn't want to, because I feel like I appear really spastic with my dieting habits....I even planned on keeping it a secret from my Mom (weight watchers queen) and everyone else around me on a daily basis. After thinking about how ridiculous that was, I changed my mind and have actually received a lot of support. IN fact, when I told Trevor Mr. Meat Eater Deluxe...he wanted to JOIN IN.
It's not extreme or radical in that I sustain life by drinking some crazy maple syrup and lemon juice concoction for weeks on end. It's extreme and radical because my body hasn't been without caffeine, sugar, meat, or massive amount of "naughty" carbohydrates in a looooooooooooooooooong time.
Here's the deal. I can eat only the following things:
Carbohydrates:
Vegetables, fruit, 2c. brown rice, 1c. oatmeal
Proteins:
chickpeas, beans, lentils, tofu, 2c. skim milk, 12 oz low fat yogurt (no fruit on the bottom), 4 egg whites, 1 1/2 slice low fat cheese, 1 veggie burger,
Other:
8oz herbal tea, 2tbsp soy sauce, 2 tbsp teriyaki sauce, 2 tbsp olive oil, 1/4 c. nuts, herbs and spices, 1 tsp butter

NO POTATOES or AVOCADO (hard as hell to do)

The specific quantities are a maximum I can have daily. The items with no amounts I can have unlimited amounts of with in reason, keeping in mind my degree of fullness.
At first I thought I would starve, but then I busted out my Moosewood Restaurant cookbook that is 100% vegetarian, and I started making some awesome recipes. Tonight I making Goi Ga Vietnamese Salad..brown rice, tons of yummy veggies, peanuts, and dressing made with Thai fish sauce (not soy-but close enough).

In the last week I have lost 4 lbs. I have not once felt hungry ..well, except for Thursday night when I met 5 girlfriends at an Italian restaurant for dinner. Now THAT was HARD. I ate a small salad..not intentionally...when it came, it was small. All the ladies had a hard time not laughing at me as I sat with my piddly little plate while they joyfully mowed down HUGE bowls of delicious cheesy pasta, wine, and ice cream for dessert! AHHH.

Back to the 4lbs. yeah, I've lost that much in the last week and I have a week to go. I am loving the food I am cooking each night, and I feel more engaged in what I eat. Everything is so much more thoughtfully prepared and flavorful. When I eat, I am eating really good stuff that fills me up and tastes soooo good, while my co-workers sit and eat their 57th Lean Cuisine meal for the week.

I'm glad I confessed to you. I hate keeping secrets from my blog pals.

I'll leave you with the BEST morning treat recipe:

Apple Muesli
from Esurientes' Blog, who got it from Jill Dupleix, 'New Food'

2c. rolled oats (soaked over night in 1c. of water)
1/2c. Greek style plain yogurt
2 tbsp. honey (which I didn't use this time around due to the diet)
1 tbsp. wheat germ
1 mashed banana
Cinnamon
Mix it all together and shred a green apple on top.

Welcome to the world of Tasty-ness!

Bathing Suit Season Anyone?

2008-04-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

In the not-too-distant future it will be very warm here in the Midwest and it'll be time to break out the bathing suit at The Lake where I grew up. There will be lazy days of floating on a raft with my Dad, days of kayaking with my brother or husband, afternoons of paddle boating with my Mom, and Beach Parties with the neighbors in which I will have to wear my bathing suit. Also, there will be days at the-in-laws neighborhood pool with my skinny Mother & Sister-in-law. Like size 4 skinny. They are the two sweetest women..but I seriously want to DIE when surrounded by the two of them on a hot day in minimal clothing. And my MIL is over 60....and she has a rockin' bod...totally natural. WTF??!!

This is way I have joined these ladies. I was so inspired when I read about Kelly and her quest to get bathing suit ready in 8 weeks and POST THE RESULTS ON HER BLOG. Granted...Kelly IS a former contestant for the Miss America title and they BOTH have less weight to lose than I do..but whatever, why NOT throw caution into the wind? So, Yes. I have agreed to join these women in posting a picture of MYSELF IN MY BATHING SUIT. HERE. ON THIS BLOG. FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. IN 8 WEEKS.

This should totally freak me out....but I am strangely calm. Like, suddenly my body has the power to morph into one of these ladies by June 23rd (the day of the dastardly deed):

Maybe if I just say, "Go-Go-Gadget-Sexy-Bathing-Suit-Bod!!" really fast it'll happen for me?

Back In The Saddle!

2008-04-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've been working my ass of lately.
Well, not literally.
And that...is the PROBLEM.

With my days being consumed by long hours on my feet nursing..I find myself so pooped when I get home at 4pm I can barely function. The other day I had a beer and passed out on my hammock like a drunken sailor A) because I was so tired B) because I never drink anymore so the beer got me DRUNK and C)the sun drained all the life out of me and I was rendered useless in the hammock for the remainder of the afternoon!

With this new schedule I have really gotten out of my awesome and newly formed work out routine. So in the last two weeks I have been trying to get outside and do cardio 3-5 times per week. Mostly 3 times per week to be honest. I feel like I am finally starting to adjust and I'm being left with a smidge more life to carry out a workout at the end of my day. Today's workout was 30 minutes at the forest preserve doing interval training; 3 minutes walking, 1 minute running, and 1 minute of resistance training with my resistance band and a tree. Sativa, our dog, thought that I was schizophrenic as I changed our speed and started whipping around a giant rubber band every couple of minutes. I'd have to say she was pretty disgusted with me by the end.

So, today is the day of new beginnings and the day when I get back in the saddle and start actively working towards my weight loss goal again. I think I'm going to post my weight in the next week...but not today. I'm just not in the mood for that. :-)

And let me just say, for the thousandth time, I LOVE being a nurse. Everyday is a new adventure..and everyday is scary and exhilarating at the same time. I am learning so much and I work with my friends who have supported me through 6 years of school and life...and now they support me and lift me up as a nurse. It's so great....I wouldn't do anything else with my life and that feels so damn good.

Uncomfortable silence...

2008-04-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

"......................................................."

Damn. I knew I should have written down some of my ideas for blog entries.

"......................................................."

Well, I'm back. My computers are working. I am able to email and web surf, and blog read, and update. Joy to the world!
Although, it has been nice being away from a computer for a couple of weeks.

Because I don't have much to blog about at the moment, I'll start with 25 Things About Me (in lieu of 100 Things, because that's just nuts).

1) I went to an amazing hippie college in Arizona that I miss everyday..but the entire time I was there my heart ached for home.

2) I was so excited to have babies...and now...I am just scared. Does that mean I am more ready in a twisted f-ed up way?

3) I have run marathons...and now I can barely run around the block. I need to start running again.

4) I love to make lists. I make lists about everything. Right now I have a summer To-Do that is over 20 items long..and I LOVE IT.

5) I enjoying painting. Like, on the walls in the house. I love the trim taping and being meticulous...I have painted 3 nurseries for friends/family to date and I have painted every room in my house. BY MYSELF.

6) My husband. He's kind of an ass. But I love it...because I'm an ass too.

7) But he's also secretly a mushy-mush...and so am I.

8) I am a nurse and I adore the job. There is nothing else I would rather be doing when I am caring for patients at the hospital. Except for maybe caring for patients at a therapeutic camp of some sort in the mountains.

9) I went to hippie college to be an outdoor educator and use the wilderness in a therapeutic and healing way.

10) I always secretly wanted to go to nursing school and would visit the local community college in AZ to get info on the nursing program every couple of months.

11) I have a 16 year old brother. He is the most awesome person in the world.

12) I grew up riding horse competitively. I was the grunt who would muck the stalls and groom other peoples horses at the horse show and then beat those richy-riches when it came time to compete.

13) I worship Martha Stewart and Real Simple magazines.

14) I hate doing laundry. There is a HUGE pile of clothes on the basement floor waiting to be washed. I just step over it.

15) I am a Real World junkie. I have watched every season since the first one in NYC. Yes, I have applied.

16) Also, I tried out for Fear Factor. I didn't make it. I'm not skinny or dumb enough.

17) I love the state of South Dakota. I love the landscape and the people and the wildlife. I would live there if it didn't take me so far away from my family.

18) This is hard

19) I am a picker. I know this is gross...but I love to pick pimples and gross shit like that. I have to bribe my husband to get him to let me "pick" on him.

20) I inherited this picking fetish from my mother.

21) When my husband proposed I told him to "Shut Up!" and I pushed him...like Elaine on Seinfeld.

22) We were engaged on Sanibel Island, FL...his whole family was there and he asked for my Dad's permission before we left on the trip.

23) I drive an orange Honda Element...that car that looks like a giant toaster or roller skate. Lots of people think they are ugly and stupid...but I love my Element and want to keep it forever. Seriously.

24) I secretly wish I had the talent to scrapbook. I just don't have the patience.

25) My second toes are freakishly longer than my big toes. Like weird alien fingers. I'm not even exaggerating.

What THE EF??!

2008-04-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

My computers..BOTH of them are being bastards. I can't update my blog daily so all of my good blogging ideas are slipping through the holes in my brain.

I can't check my email. I can't even check YOUR BLOGS. DAMN IT!!

Right now I am at my parents picking up my Mom to do some Spring garden supply shopping at our local garden center, Hawthorn Gardens. I am so psyched. If anyone lives around me in Northern IL...you should DEFINITELY check this place out and support a local small business.

Trevor has to go to Best Buy and buy "something" to fix our computer situation. He will not elaborate on this subject...for fear that smoke might start coming out of my ears as I spontaneously combust.

I hope all of you are enjoying this amazing weather. I will be back as soon as my mother-ef-ing computers are fixed...and I will start writing down my blogging ideas so that when I do come back there isn't an uncomfortable silence between us.

Insta-Karma

2008-04-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

Thursday night, while sitting at Bennigans, eating a disgustingly fattening and deep fried Southwest Roll...totally exhausted and wiped out from work all week...I said to my husband, "I think I'll have the flu tomorrow", with a little smirk on my face. I just wanted to play hooky and go to the forest preserve and drink coffee...but I wasn't REALLY going to do that...it was just wishful thinking.

And then. At 9pm that night..not 3 hours after I stupidly joked about having the flu....I began to feel nauseous. My stomach bean to cramp. And I spent the next 10 hours sleeping on the bathroom floor next to the commode with "The Flu" (I will not go into any more detail) and cursing myself for....CURSING MYSELF!

Total Insta-Karma.

Things I Have Been Enjoying Lately

2008-04-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

1) Living at my in-laws house while they are away for the Winter at their home in Florida. It's MUCH bigger than ours, has a fancy-schmancy kitchen with a big copper hood, a farm house sink, a giagantor viking stove, a fireplace, a huge shower with 75 sprayers, and is literally 5 minutes from the hospital and 10 minutes from Trevors workplace.

2) Oh yeah, and it's within WALKING distance to yoga. Holy Moly. So awesome.

3) Being a friggin NURSE! I love nursing! I love it, I love it, I love it! I have worked in health care for 6 years now as a "tech" (nurses assistant) and a unit secretary. I have always enjoyed my job, but now I am in LOVE. I love the hospital I work for, I love the small community setting, I love that it is growing and is always striving to improve. I love the $$$. I make 3x what I used to make with the hourly pay increase as well as the increase in hours/week I work.

4) Not being in school. Every time I get a moment to relax...I feel guilty and anxious for a little while. When I recognize these feelings and ask myself "Why?" I realize it's because I think I should be STUDYING! I'm all frantic thinking there's some approaching test or performance exam. But really there's nothing. Nothing.
SWEET!

5) Spending time with Trevor. We have been apart 3 nights a week (3 days straight actually because of his daytime work schedule and my evening work schedule) for the last 3 years. Every night we get to hang out. Also, now that I get to see him everyday, I don't feel guilty or sad when I make plans with friends because I know I'll have plenty of time with him.

6) The new "My Starbucks Idea" website. I was a Starbucks barista 10 years ago. This makes me understanding of their jobs and also a little bit of an asshole when my simple drink request gets f-ed up EVERY TIME I ORDER ONE OF THEIR $5 DRINKS. This website has allowed me to vent about my Starbucks frustrations to someone other than my cousin Katie...also a former Starbucks Barista, as well as make me feel as though these frustrations are being heard by the Starbucks "Man".

That's pretty much it right now! I know that's a lot to be thankful for and enjoy...I'm just settling into my new schedule and life. It is certainly taking some adjustments...but all is good.

How about you? How have you been? What have you been enjoying lately?

Yo! Yo! Yo!

2008-03-31T16:15:00.001-07:00

Hi!

I've been gone for awhile!
Trevor has been a sick pup and I've been exhausted from long days at the hospital. I have more to say but no time to type at the moment...so just hang in there. I promise to be back tomorrow with something interesting to say.

XOXO
K

Stop the Bullshit

2008-03-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting home, watching the snow fall...AGAIN, and relaxing by a warm fire in the fireplace, on a day off from nursing (the BEST job in the world BTW), reading blogs. Through my WWW exploration today I found the You Tube clip below of Anne Hathaway excepting and award from the Human Rights Campaign for her support of the LGBT community. It moved me so much because I have a very dear and best friend, Meg, who is a lesbian. She is in a loving relationship with a cute little potter. I used to always talk about planning their vegan hippie mountain top wedding..and say when you get married this and when you get married that, until one day Meg said, "Kristin, we CAN'T get married". And I just rambled on, "Oh, that whole no gay marriage thing? That's so stupid, don't listen to them. You can get married, it's just a piece of paper. Don't be silly". After saying that I looked up and saw her face...and then realized the seriousness of what she had said...she can not, BY LAW, marry the one person in this world who she would give anything to marry. She is not allowed to do that. It's so easy for me to say it's just a piece of paper, because I am, in the eyes of our government, more civilized in my heterosexual relationship than she is. Over the years she has told me how people will look at her and her girlfriend when they hold hands in public...how she has been treated as a gay woman. It makes me SICK to think of some asshole passing judgment on her...thinking she is less of a human being than they are. I could go on and on...

I have a Lesbian Best Friend. She is kind, loving, hyper-intelligent, in love, revolutionary, inspirational, strong, hysterical, and amazing. She deserves the same amount of respect that you do. Treat her as you would want to be treated. Embrace her as a fellow human being.
Let's stop the bullshit.

Wild Geese

2008-03-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

Today's yoga class kicked my butt. It was worth it in the end because my body was thankful for the stretching, flexing, and centering....and because my yoga instructor shared this poem with us.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

This was just what I needed today....this poem. I do not have to be good. I do not have to walk on my knees through the desert repenting. I can live my life and be the best I can be...whether or not it is the best to you...or good to you...is not something to be worried about. I will live my life as it fulfills me and fit into this world as I am meant to.

Diet Update

2008-03-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Below you will find a comment I posted on Swistle's Blog in response to her latest entry regarding buttery & delicious pecan rolls made for her by her mother:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I am running in circles ripping my hair out as my "diet" has gone south in the last few weeks and what clothing used to be loose is now tight again and all I want to do is eat and now there are delicious pecan rolls sent straight from the devil himself to taunt me.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.
I am really having a rough time staying on the wagon these last 3 weeks. First: I ate because I was stressed about my boards. Second: I ate because I was nervous about what the results of my boards would be. Third: I ate because I was celebrating the passing of my boards. Now: I am stuck in the cycle of bad eating habits. I was JUST getting to the point where I wasn't having night sweats and withdrawal symptoms from my sugar cutbacks. DAMN IT! The positive: I continue with yoga 4-5 times per week and get at least one day of cardio in. I hope to increase my cardio..but I am also starting a wild and crazy new work schedule so, I'll give myself some time to adjust.

So there you go. An update. Painfully & obviously absent? A weigh in. Don't expect one until the Monday, March 24th. So there. Hmmph.

Small People AMAZE ME

2008-03-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Meet my pseudo-nephew, Theo. I sometimes call him "Pseudopoops" inspired by the blog Pseudostoops...a friend of Sam's. Isn't he cute??!! I spent yesterday over at their house asissting with various chores: laundry, recycling disposal, lunch fetching, etc. But mostly marveling at the craziness that is my best friend as a MOTHER. WOW. She seriously has me in awe. I can't stop thinking about how Sam and Bryan have CREATED this amazing little person...that Sam has BIRTHED this child...and that he will GROW and SPEAK. The fact that my best friend from childhood is now a mother is so mind blowing...I can't even put the emotions into words. All I can say is, Sam, you are my idol. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing and beautiful woman. You create FOOD for your child with your BODY and I don't even know what to say about it all, except I love you!

My favoritenew computer word

2008-03-05T19:39:00.000-08:00

BAH. This is my favorite new computer word. I say new beause I am new to this whole "expressing your emotions through a keyboard and monitor" concept. I am a very "animated" communicator in *real* life.

So anyhow, bah. I think it expresses so much.

BAH! bah. BAH.

This is how I am feeling right now....which is striz-ange because I am now a FRIGGIN REGISTERED NURSE..the VERY THING I HAVE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS TO BECOME FOR THE LAST JILLION YEARS and I had an evening of yoga (new to me since my schedule has change...'cause I'm a NURSE)....a very nice evening of yoga by candle light. And, my best friend gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY baby boy...who loves me (he told me I'm his favorite auntie while holding my finger with his 23hr old mini-hand) and all in all life is great.

You know, I think we need a vacation. Trevor has had a stressful few months of work and we all know how things have been for me. The bummer part is that I started my new job as an RN on Tuesday (clarification-NOT the bummer part) and I have 12 weeeks of full time training...so we can't go to our parents home on Sanibel Island like we normally do each spring...I think we'll need to make do with a weekend getaway for the time being so that we don't beat each other to death during a fit of cabin fever.

Any ideas for the Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana region?
Our mental health is at stake here.

Weigh In - Week 5

2008-03-04T05:31:00.000-08:00

STARTING WEIGHT: 186.9

Current Weight: 183
Pounds lost this week: 0 lb
Pounds to Goal Weight (150): 33.1
Total Weight Loss: 3.9 lbs ( still 12 ish sticks of butter)

THIS IS NO JOKE!
After 2 weeks of ridiculous eating habits....my weight has stayed THE SAME! HALLELUJAH!!! This next week, I am going to rock it out. It's going to be weight loss city around this joint. Stay Tuned!

On an even more exciting note- my very best friend in the whole wide world Samantha Jo Campen of this blog just gave birth the her new little boy last night at 8:03pm. It's she and her husbands first child, Theo. I am so proud of her...she is such a strong woman and has gone through a lot this last month with pre-term labor issues, but now all is well and I am going to get to meet him today after work! Yeah!

Life is Good.

2008-02-28T06:35:00.000-08:00

Exam Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 at 8:00 AM
Candidate: Kristin C.
NCLEX ID: *******
Registration #: *********
Exam: NCLEX-RN: The National Council Licensure Examination for Registered Nurses
Grade: pass

Ummm. Oh my god.

I passed my boards.
I am speechless and crying and so emotional, I don't have the brains right now to post.

I just wanted to let you all know that I DID IT!!!!!!!!
WOOO HOOO!
Thanks for all of you words of encouragment, support, and good mojo.
I know it helped. I am off to yoga to shimmy all the last bits of anxiety and tension out of by body and then I'll be ready to party!

XOXOXOXOOXOXO

Marc Jacobs & Emotional Eating

2008-02-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

Laa-deee-da. Just waiting around. Just anxiously waiting to learn the results.

Life as I knew it is at a standstill. That means, no yoga or aerobic activity and a boat load of food down my pie-hole in an effort to drown out the bad feelings. Yep. You said it. I'm an emotional eater. When the going gets tough...the food gets eaten. The good thing is, since I am "on a diet" there isn't a whole lot of bad stuff in the house. So pigging out means a Caramel Brownie Luna Bar (to DIE for BTW) and a chocolate covered banana. However, I was recently released from my home this past weekend to the city where I wrassled a screaming 6 month old...and if that doesn't make you want to eat a bag of kettle corn and 10 Oreos, I don't know what does. That's why there is no weigh in this week as I'm not sure how well I would fair weight gain and the 4 lbs I've lost is easy as hell to gain back in a week, for me at least. So, next Monday we'll see what the damage is.

Back to the hell of waiting. I have been stalking the website where I can find out my results because I was told that there is a chance I could see them TONIGHT, which to me is *OMG ANY MINUTE NOW IT COULD SHOW UP! CHECK THE SITE! CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!*

It is so nice out and I know I would be way better off romping in the snow with the huskie for an hour....but I can't seem to muster up the energy...it's all being used on eating oatmeal and watching documentaries about Marc Jacobs and stalking websites and SHOWERING for work. God forbid I actually accomplish something today. Sheesh.

Learning and Growing can be hard on a girl.

2008-02-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

Crap-a-dap-dap.

I'm done with my test. In fact, it was over before I knew it..and that is not sitting well with me. I only had answered 75 questions when the computer turned off...and let me tell you...those were 75 hard-ass questions. There were a few medication questions that I was like...What? Bippity-boppity-boo? I've never even HEARD of that medication..and you're telling me now that it treats Hepatitis C and you want me to tell YOU if the dose is correct for the patient based on their hieght and weight? WTF? SERIOUSLY!?

I really had a lot of questions that I had to make "educated guesses" on...so we shall see.
I know it's not the end of the world if I don't pass. But I am just ready for the next chapter in my life. I am ready to move on.
I honesltly felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin after finishing...but luckily I had enough time to schooch over to my yoga studio and catch a class. After Marlene rocked my world in downward dog for and hour and a half (I know this sounds sexy...but it wasn't, trust) my anxieties and fears were replaced by the feeling of...it is what it is and I'll just roll with it. I decided I needed to replace the awful & fearful emotions with peace and respect for myself and the effort I had made. However, it's so easy to feel that way while laying on a warm wood floor in the sunlight with Eternal Om bounding through the speakers willing you to give up your ego....it's a lot harder to carry that out into the world with you.

So that's where I am....in this place of limbo. One minute I feel peace and the next minute a pang of anxiety waves over me like a hot blanket and I feel sick. Trying. Trying. Trying.

Yoga quote of today:
"The jump is frightening between where I am and where I want to be...Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!"
-Mountain Dancer

Tomorrow is scaring the crap out of me.

2008-02-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning at 8am....I am taking the biggest test of my life. The NCLEX exam. I graduated from nursing school this past December and have been studying for this day since the beginning of January after giving myself a much needed and deserved break for the Holiday season. The NCLEX exam is what determines whether or not I get my sate license and become a Registered Nurse. I know my profile says "RN"..but really I'm a "licence pending nurse"...it was just easier at the time.

This test is friggin' hard. It's 75 to 265 questions and can take up to 6 hours depending on how many questions you are given. Studying for this has been so hard for me...I have never been a great student. School has always been a challenge for me and this is no different. Sometimes the questions on the practice tests make me laugh out loud because they are so ridiculously difficult. I think...REALLY!? I'm supposed to know this? Because...the school I graduated from didn't think I needed to know this. Seriously...I feel so under prepared by the college I attended...I could scream.

So....here I go. Tomorrow I take the test and within 48 hours I get my results. In less than 72hours I'll know if I'm an RN...or if I have to study for 45 more days and take the exam again.

Please...send me some prayers...or good mojo...or vibes...whatever you like to call it...just send it to me. I think I'll need it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Nevermind on that Vasectomy....for now.

2008-02-25T08:50:00.000-08:00

Quick post to let you know I survived the weekend with the Nephew....and that Trevor has decided against the emergency vasectomy. My sister and Brother-in-law came home with laughter in their eyes, they were also sympathetic, but mostly found the entire situation humorous. Brother-in-law sensitively added that "we've got to learn sometime" how parenting really is. *Whew* That was some learning experience.

Truthfully, it was a great experience, while we were some what traumatized, and a great weekend spent finding out what we are made of.

Oh. My. God.

2008-02-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

Trevor and I are in the city watching our almost-6 month old godson. His mom, dad, and sister are at a water park in Lake Geneva for the weekend.

We are here with Godson who is currently teething...has just started to recognize mom and dad-so he has a great new feeling called *seperation anxiety*...has horrific gas...and hasn't pooped yet today (that we know of). As a result of all of the above our normally jolly little nephew is in a foul and pissed off mood....and has been fussing all day. At 6pm I gave him a bottle which usually causes him to pass out. NOT TONIGHT. The moment I took the bottle out of his mouth and put the pacifier in, he began to SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. We had literally done everything we knew how to do...and nothing was working.

An hour later...he has finally exhausted himself and his sleeping...but not before we made two emergency-holy-crap-what-do-we-do-now calls to nephews mother and grandmother and Trevor has decieded that he will be going in to the ER for an emergency vasectomy. Those were his very words. *sigh*

Pizza & The Ego

2008-02-21T11:59:00.000-08:00

Behold! My new favorite lunch treat!

Trader Joes Garlic Naan (indian flatbread), Trader Joes non-fat pizza sauce (did YOU know pizza sauce had fat? I didn't), a smidge of crumbled goat cheese, non-fat mozzerella, sauteed mushrooms, orange pepper, and onion. Place all of your desired toppings on the flatbread while still frozen, toss it into a 400 degree oven for 10 minutes and you have a crispy delicious personal sized pizza for under 300 calories!

AHHHHH!!! It's so good, I've had 3 this week and could seriously eat one a day for life. I love pizza and I L-O-V-E low calorie, gourmet pizza. I think you should drop what you are doing, go to Trader Joes and buy the goods, and then run home to experiance the joy. If you don't have a Trader Joes......I am sorry....so very sorry for torturing you.

And now on to a yoga quote.

"The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief systems, and often political, nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you." - Eckhart Tolle

I love this quote because it reminds me that, in life, we are really only our thoughts....who we are when we are alone. Are we happy with this person? In my job I have had the privelage to be with very special people at the end of their lives...they have taught me these and so many other things about the richness of a life filled with love for ourselves and for others.

Weigh In-Week 4

2008-02-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

STARTING WEIGHT: 186.9

Current Weight: 183
Pounds lost this week: 0 lb
Pounds to Goal Weight (150): 33.1
Total Weight Loss: 3.9 lbs ( still 12 ish sticks of butter)

So this week I am experiancing "lady troubles", if you catch my drift. This means that I did not loose weight...and this has always been the case for me..no weight loss during the "lady week" (FYI, i don't normally call it this....but I'm new to blogging..and I don't want frighten you with TMI). Anyhow. I credit not gaining weight during this week to adding 2 days of cardiovascular excersise: 30 minutes of elliptical or treadmill at high intensity.
I know I need to keep up with cardio because yoga, while getting the heart rate up, doesn't seem like *enough* work for the ticker each week. I've tried to read up on this subject, but haven't found much out there as far as yoga vs. cardiovascular and/or weight training.
The only problem is...I'm all blissed out on yoga and now feel that the gym is a dirty, stinky, rathole in comparisson to my gloriously peaceful yoga studio. I would be so much happier if I could be outside...running, biking, walking, swimming....ANYTHING other than moving on a little conveyor belt or wildly pedaling my feet in an "elliptical formation" for 30 minutes.

*sigh*

I think I might be ready for Spring.