Life.

Life has really chewed my ass these last few months. Unfortunately it did not actually remove any of the fat from my ass....it just chewed me up and spit me out.

Trying to find balance and identify priorities and muster up strength. Wondering how other people do it. Wishing I could too. Wanting to be a great mama, have the endurance to make it through my day as a good nurse, and still have enough at the end to be a good wife.

I've sure had a lot of chances in this life. More than most. Hoping I have the maturity to make proper decisions and make the most of this opportunity. To learn and grow and lay down a foundation for me and my family.

I am definitely grateful for this life and for all that I DO have. It's silly and wasteful and childish to wish for more. I have all that I could ever need....my health....and love. A family.

I hope that you are able to find the true meaning of this Holiday Season...in whatever way you celebrate. I hope that you too are able to muster through the difficulties of these times and recognize all that you have.

XOXO

13 things I am doing on this day, the 13th of October

1) Trying to visualize my office / dining room area rearranged to accommodate dogs new living area, as she is getting old and having a difficult time navigating our home and its slippery hardwoods.

2) Rearranging my bedroom. Again. It's a thing I can't stop doing.

3) Fantasizing about a new 48 oz. French Press...

4) Considering beginning my Christmas List

5) Preparing for Trevor to be gone at the Ranch from Friday to Wednesday. Wondering how I will manage to drink my usual amount of Oktoberfest Beer with a 4 month old around and no sober husband within a 500 mile radius. Oh Yeah....Grama Swanie!

6) Nursing a very screwed up lower back after hurting myself at work. 5K plans on hold....no running for this chubby girl until I lose some of this weight through diet and other forms of exercise. Too hard on my joints and low back.

7) Enjoying having Elkey sleep in her room at night....and *almost* through the night at that.

8) Wanting to burn all the CRAP that is cluttering my home and start anew.

9) Wishing the Money Fairy would come for a visit and take care of my medical bills and relieve some of our stress up in here!

10) Watching DVR'd Bravo shows...Rachel Zoe, Million Dollar Listings, Flipping Out, Top Chef, Real Housewives(any season) LOVE BRAVO!

11) Obsessively watching the video monitor...trying to will the baby to nap longer...Mama needs a break.

12) Deciding what pie I will bake for Thanksgiving....I'm thinking this one

13) Enjoying the dinner my husband made me...even though my eyelids are sweating because the top of the hot sauce "became unclogged" as he was spicing the dish.

I used to be an Athlete.

This is going to be short and sweet because I have NOT STOPPED SINCE 7AM.

I used to be and athlete. So strong....with lots of muscle. I loved my muscles. Especially my calves. I ran in the mountains, climbed rock faces, biked logging roads through the ponderosa pines. Completed two marathons in Alaska. I had endurance.
I felt so good. I even liked my body...

Now. Now....holy shit. I am overweight. Like 60 lbs overweight and it's not all from the baby. Only about 10-15 lbs is left over from that.
I feel weak. Slow. Sluggish. Gross. FAT FAT FAT.
I can't do shit.

Today this former marathon runner started the Couch to 5K running program. In the dark. Because I'm to embarrassed by my body. Don't want people to see me lumbering through the streets. My knees hurt, my calves burned. I felt like I was carrying a 7 year old on my back. My fat exterior floated up and down around my weakened muscles. Like sausage casing.

After the first minute of running I almost started to cry. I almost turned back.

But I didn't. I kept going. I pounded the pavement in the dark. A shadow under the street lamps of my little town. Wearing my industrial strength sports bra made in Germany. I finished.

Workout 1 complete. Two more months left and 23 workouts left until my 5K. The Lincolnwood Turkey Trot.

After my run tonight....I gave up my last caramel filled, espresso cream cheese topped, dulce de leche birthday cupcake to my husband.

It's the end of an era....I hope.

Heartbreaker

Ummmm. Hiya. I am updating from my iTouch while breast feeding in my very dark bedroom which is completely disheveled....much like my life is. Did you know that while babies are adorable and breathtaking and lifechanging and totally the best thing ever..... They are also really hard and also flabbergasting?

I am tired. And I start work Monday. And that kills me. Not the tired part (although I am sure that IS killing me softly) but the work part. I will miss the shit out of my baby girl. My heart is breaking.

That is all for now.

Smooshy Squooshy Fussy Mussy

We are in the midst of a "fussy stage" right now. Yowzaahs. Won't sleep in her bassinet, or her swing, or her bouncy chair. Only on her mama's chest. Oh....and on the hammock. Which was made of a pretty striped canvas-y type material purchased at IKEA last year and left outside to rot all winter....so today when I sat on it for the mafizillionth time in the last week to quiet my fussy muss, it tore....in half. My ass bone landed on a very hard root and Elkey began to scream even louder. It was great. Then I tried to go for a walk with her in the stroller to my local sandwich shop to get a delicious lunch....but the screaming did not end and I was forced to retreat back home. Hungry and wired with fussy baby frenetic energy.



Deep Breaths...........

3 Weeks!

My girl at 3 weeks getting ready to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Woodstock





Despite my sleep deprivation, I feel awesome. My body has healed and I am not feeling any baby blues....and maybe I'm not out of the woods yet...but I've got my fingers crossed that I've escaped it. I actually feel like working out again, but am taking it slow to start with walks at the forest preserve with Trevor, Elkey, and our dog, Sativa. I think I'll bust out the yoga next week....I'm feeling very stiff now that I haven't been practicing regularly.

You know you're a sleep deprived Mama when........

You've spent half of your day, complete with a shopping trip to Baby's R Us, with your flip flops on the WRONG FEET!



Aaaaaand here she is sleeping DURING THE DAY....instead of DURING THE NIGHT when her Mama would like to be snoozing.