Soooo....
I thought I'd share with you something we, as a little family of two + fetus, have been trying to juggle over the last two months.
As some of you may or may not know, Trevor has had cancer twice in his short 33 years. He is a ticking time bomb...cancer, falling off of balconies....this guy has nine lives.
Since before his first diagnosis with lymphoma 10 years ago he has had night sweats, which were associated with the growing cancer. After receiving radiation and chemotherapy he continued with the night sweats on a fairly regular basis. A lovely little souvenir from the big C. In the last year his night sweats have gotten worse and worse, they happen nightly...sometimes twice a night. Poor Trevor travels from bed to bed to couch just trying to catch a break and get a good nights sleep. As an oncology RN who works at the hospital where my husbands oncologist, Dr. T, has privileges I have a great perk that allows me to talk to him about any concerns, free of charge, as I please. So...last fall I started to mention Trevor's worsening night sweats. Dr. T blamed them on Trevor's diabetes...maybe low blood sugar at night? So, I tested his blood sugar at random times during the night and when he had sweats....the results were normal.
Blah blah blah, fast froward to December when I finally told Dr. T that the sweats WERE NOT related to Trevor's blood sugar or anything else. So he ordered a CT scan of Trevor's chest, abdomen, and pelvis. This showed a spot in Trevor's small bowel. So Dr. T ordered a PET scan....this did nit light up the spot in Trevor's small bowel But it DID light up a spot in his left thigh. I just thought it was a fluke related more to his big 3 story fall in July....but to be safe we pushed on. A CT of the thigh was ordered and then an MRI...the spot was still there. So a consult with an Orthopedic Oncologist at Rush in the city (Chicago) was ordered. Then a biopsy..and then we were told that it is, in fact, cancer!
A big relief is that it is not a recurrence of lymphoma, but a low grade sarcoma. The tumor is SO small and will only need to be surgically removed with no radiation or chemo. The Orthopedic Oncologist we are seeing is #1 in IL for treating these types of tumors, and #6 in the country. He literally sees and removes hundreds of them a year. Next week we will go back to Rush for an ultrasound to see if they can locate it that way because it is so small and will be hard for the Ortho. Onc. to locate with just the eye in the operating room.
Trevor is super lucky. I actually have had several patients recently with sarcomas in their thighs...and they were in rough shape because these tumors normally aren't found until they are much larger and present with more symptoms. Usually resulting in more invasive treatments.
Since December we've been playing a waiting game and holding our breath in anticipation of the next round of test results. We finally have a solid concrete answer and one that isn't so scary. To those who knew about this the whole time...thank you so much for your kind words and prayers.
To those people in my life who didn't know....I'm sorry that you are finding out this way. I just finally felt like writing about it and am feeling a little tired of updating family every other day with new info and having to look at worried faces all the time. Sometimes I'm not good at dealing with peoples responses to news like this. Some people have that sad look of pity...some people freak out and say things like, OH MY GOD THAT'S HORRIBLE. Some people just listen and give hugs, and that's best.
So...Internet friends, thanks for listening. Have a great night...maybe give your families a bigger and longer squeeze than normal. I think Trevor is getting sick of all of my big gooey hugs.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Another Topic Monopolizing My Brain....
NOW all I can think about is money money money money money money.
Our budget, money in, money out, ways to save, trying not to shop....which is so HARD. That is our biggest issue, when we want something we just go and buy it. When we want to eat out we do. The two of us are a BAD combo because we don't keep each other in check.
We need more in savings...and I want to organize our spending and try to spend like we will when the baby is here and put the "baby" money over the next 5 months in savings for when the baby is actually here.
Another issue is that my husband works on comission. He has a nice base salary but we count on a certain amount of comission each month. It's hard to work on a budget when you don't know exactly how much money your working with.
Ugh. The good thing is...we BOTH have jobs. I know we are lucky to have this in our economy.
My question for you is...do any of you have a reccomendation for a good book on finances?
Our budget, money in, money out, ways to save, trying not to shop....which is so HARD. That is our biggest issue, when we want something we just go and buy it. When we want to eat out we do. The two of us are a BAD combo because we don't keep each other in check.
We need more in savings...and I want to organize our spending and try to spend like we will when the baby is here and put the "baby" money over the next 5 months in savings for when the baby is actually here.
Another issue is that my husband works on comission. He has a nice base salary but we count on a certain amount of comission each month. It's hard to work on a budget when you don't know exactly how much money your working with.
Ugh. The good thing is...we BOTH have jobs. I know we are lucky to have this in our economy.
My question for you is...do any of you have a reccomendation for a good book on finances?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Gahh.
I keep wanting to write a new post...but all I have on my mind is babybabybabybabybabyyyyyyyyyyyy. I don't want to BORE the crap out the few folks who read this blog that aren't a parent or expecting. But I'm telling you...that is HARD. I just can't think of much else!
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I am pregnant and that there is a baby in my belly ready to come live with us in less that 6 months. What is with THAT?!?!?! I need at LEAST another 9 months before I am going to feel prepared. Can you tell I'm a procrastinator?
The GOOD thing is that in the last 2 weeks I have become more excited about being pregnant and becoming a mama and less terrified by the whole idea. Also, I don't feel completely exhausted all the time and I'm able to do more than eat, sleep, and go to work.
So...sorry if I have put you to sleep with my brief blurb on whats up over here at OTOP....as soon as I have something NON-BABY to say I'll post it!
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I am pregnant and that there is a baby in my belly ready to come live with us in less that 6 months. What is with THAT?!?!?! I need at LEAST another 9 months before I am going to feel prepared. Can you tell I'm a procrastinator?
The GOOD thing is that in the last 2 weeks I have become more excited about being pregnant and becoming a mama and less terrified by the whole idea. Also, I don't feel completely exhausted all the time and I'm able to do more than eat, sleep, and go to work.
So...sorry if I have put you to sleep with my brief blurb on whats up over here at OTOP....as soon as I have something NON-BABY to say I'll post it!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
VS.
Sooooo...we ALL know I was trying to lose weight BEFORE I got pregnant. I had just jumped back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon right around the time we (unknowingly) conceived. I was seeing success and feeling great and then I found out I was pregnant. Since then I have been watching my diet but not depriving myself and keeping up with my workout schedule of 3-4 times per week. So far in the last 14 weeks of pregnancy I have gained only 2 lbs. I think this is pretty good....I don't know how I compare to others, I may be right on the mark. But I was expecting to blow up like an elephant, and on top of the weight gain I STILL fit in my regular pants! This too may be normal but I had visions of me rolling around like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!
The point of this post in a non-sensical,round about way is to tell you about this issue I am having: MY scale vs the OBGYN scale. I own an OFFICIAL Weight Watchers scale...the nicest scale I have ever owned. When I weigh myself on this scale the number it produces nearly matches EXACTLY the number on the scale I was weighed on at my WW meetings. Imagine my horror when I walked into the OBGYN for the first time and it is seriously SIX pounds higher than my home scale (& the WW meeting scale!)!!!
I don't know why this bothers me SO MUCH but it kills me every time they weigh me on that devil bitch scale.
The point of this post in a non-sensical,round about way is to tell you about this issue I am having: MY scale vs the OBGYN scale. I own an OFFICIAL Weight Watchers scale...the nicest scale I have ever owned. When I weigh myself on this scale the number it produces nearly matches EXACTLY the number on the scale I was weighed on at my WW meetings. Imagine my horror when I walked into the OBGYN for the first time and it is seriously SIX pounds higher than my home scale (& the WW meeting scale!)!!!
I don't know why this bothers me SO MUCH but it kills me every time they weigh me on that devil bitch scale.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Things That Need To Get Done Before The New Human Arrives: A List
I'm trying to nap and all my mind can do is bounce from room to room in my house thinking of all the crap that needs to be accomplished before July 16th. Actually before May let's say, just in case the wee one throws a monkey wrench in my face and decides he/she wants to some early or do naughty things to make me lay around on bed rest for 2 months or something. Luckily, my in-laws will be at their home in Florida for the winter and we will be moving into their house that is just 10 minutes away to stretch our legs. We do this every winter, it's a nice break from our little house.
So here is my TO DO list from mid-January to May in all of its likely boringness.
1) Clean the garage
2) Paint the deck
3) Paint the trim on the new sliding glass door
4) Organize our office area and files
5) Reorganize the cabinets in dining room and kitchen
6) Build a pantry in the basement for overflow from the tiny cabinets
7) Make room in one of these tiny cabinets for baby stuff
8) Dry Clean oriental rug in living room
9) Organize and create a system in our hall coat closet
10) Organize our attic
11) Build bookcases for overflow books in the attic
12) Re grout and seal the tile in the shower, seal around the tub, install a new window in the shower
13) Organize the bathroom and linen closet, get ride of products that haven't been used in years..also make room for new humans bath stuff
14) Paint nursery, hang shelves, buy furniture
15) Go through closets in both guest room and master bedroom....somehow put all of our clothes in our room and an overflow wardrobe in the basement
16) Hang shelves and new photo collage in our bedroom
17) Find lampshades for stupid lamps I bought 2 years ago for 5 dollars each at Anthroplogie and have yet to find shades that fit.
18) Clean and organize basement
19) Clean and create a nice laundry room space...I hear I'll be doing even more than I do now. I think I need to hire a laundry gimp who lives in my basement.
20) Donate or sell all the items we purge from our house at the family garage sale this summer.
This will be me in no time:
So here is my TO DO list from mid-January to May in all of its likely boringness.
1) Clean the garage
2) Paint the deck
3) Paint the trim on the new sliding glass door
4) Organize our office area and files
5) Reorganize the cabinets in dining room and kitchen
6) Build a pantry in the basement for overflow from the tiny cabinets
7) Make room in one of these tiny cabinets for baby stuff
8) Dry Clean oriental rug in living room
9) Organize and create a system in our hall coat closet
10) Organize our attic
11) Build bookcases for overflow books in the attic
12) Re grout and seal the tile in the shower, seal around the tub, install a new window in the shower
13) Organize the bathroom and linen closet, get ride of products that haven't been used in years..also make room for new humans bath stuff
14) Paint nursery, hang shelves, buy furniture
15) Go through closets in both guest room and master bedroom....somehow put all of our clothes in our room and an overflow wardrobe in the basement
16) Hang shelves and new photo collage in our bedroom
17) Find lampshades for stupid lamps I bought 2 years ago for 5 dollars each at Anthroplogie and have yet to find shades that fit.
18) Clean and organize basement
19) Clean and create a nice laundry room space...I hear I'll be doing even more than I do now. I think I need to hire a laundry gimp who lives in my basement.
20) Donate or sell all the items we purge from our house at the family garage sale this summer.
This will be me in no time:
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Some stuff about the last year.
A meme from Sundry!
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Started growing another human being in my body
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions because I never stick to them. it's always disappointing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My best friend Samantha, my childhood friend Jamie, and two of my friends at work.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.
5. What countries did you visit? Is Park Rapids, MN a country?
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Jeez. More money in savings, more patience, enough money to take unlimited yoga at my favorite studio for a year, an organized home.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 21st-the day Trevor plummeted to the ground from a 3rd story balcony and broke his body. November 14th-the day the pregnancy test read POSITIVE!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a nurse!!
9. What was your biggest failure? Not taking hold of our finances like we had planned. It's so much easier to be lazy.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Injury- Trevor's "balcony incident"
11. What was the best thing you bought? New and fancy yoga mat
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? OBAMA!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Blago the Governor....California (Prop 8)
14. Where did most of your money go? Our house and "things" (I'm being honest)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being pregnant (also really, really, really scared.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Ridiculous but....I Kissed A Girl.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier...but also sadder due to my insane and raging hormones of death.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter...due to the baby. Not MUCH fatter though (yet)
c) richer or poorer? Richer but not by much.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Camping with husband and family
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve at work and then with Trevor's family for their annual cocktail/dinner party, Christmas Day with my family, the day after with Trevor's family
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No
22. What was your favorite TV program? The Hills. Please don't hate me.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. I don't hate anyone.
24. What was the best book you read? The Devil In The White City!!!!!!
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Susan Tedeschi
26. What did you want and get? A baby in my belly, The healing of my husband, A job as a nurse, the health of my family.
27. What did you want and not get? A million dollars, a home on a lake
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Humbolt County
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28...and I can't remember. Isn't that terrible??!!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A more organized and less cluttered home.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Yoga casual.
32. What kept you sane? Yoga
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eddie Vedder in all his hotness.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage.
35. Who did you miss? Grace, Jamie, The Gissel Family, friends in general because we are all so damn busy.
36. Who was the best new person you met? Gosh...I haven't really net anyone new that has stayed in my life. I think any of my patients...and their are a few really special ones that grip my heart.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Life is so damn temporary. Painfully and heart achingly temporary. Make the best of this amazing time...try not to focus on the crappy everyday little things. Focus on the miracle of being ALIVE.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. again...drawing a blank...
Happy New Year all!!
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Started growing another human being in my body
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions because I never stick to them. it's always disappointing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My best friend Samantha, my childhood friend Jamie, and two of my friends at work.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.
5. What countries did you visit? Is Park Rapids, MN a country?
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Jeez. More money in savings, more patience, enough money to take unlimited yoga at my favorite studio for a year, an organized home.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 21st-the day Trevor plummeted to the ground from a 3rd story balcony and broke his body. November 14th-the day the pregnancy test read POSITIVE!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a nurse!!
9. What was your biggest failure? Not taking hold of our finances like we had planned. It's so much easier to be lazy.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Injury- Trevor's "balcony incident"
11. What was the best thing you bought? New and fancy yoga mat
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? OBAMA!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Blago the Governor....California (Prop 8)
14. Where did most of your money go? Our house and "things" (I'm being honest)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being pregnant (also really, really, really scared.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Ridiculous but....I Kissed A Girl.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier...but also sadder due to my insane and raging hormones of death.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter...due to the baby. Not MUCH fatter though (yet)
c) richer or poorer? Richer but not by much.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Camping with husband and family
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve at work and then with Trevor's family for their annual cocktail/dinner party, Christmas Day with my family, the day after with Trevor's family
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No
22. What was your favorite TV program? The Hills. Please don't hate me.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. I don't hate anyone.
24. What was the best book you read? The Devil In The White City!!!!!!
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Susan Tedeschi
26. What did you want and get? A baby in my belly, The healing of my husband, A job as a nurse, the health of my family.
27. What did you want and not get? A million dollars, a home on a lake
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Humbolt County
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28...and I can't remember. Isn't that terrible??!!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A more organized and less cluttered home.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Yoga casual.
32. What kept you sane? Yoga
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eddie Vedder in all his hotness.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage.
35. Who did you miss? Grace, Jamie, The Gissel Family, friends in general because we are all so damn busy.
36. Who was the best new person you met? Gosh...I haven't really net anyone new that has stayed in my life. I think any of my patients...and their are a few really special ones that grip my heart.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Life is so damn temporary. Painfully and heart achingly temporary. Make the best of this amazing time...try not to focus on the crappy everyday little things. Focus on the miracle of being ALIVE.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. again...drawing a blank...
Happy New Year all!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
On Fear....
So....the other day a good friend of mine from nursing school just looked at me and said, "you look really scared. are you scared?".
Her words surprised me, because while I TOTALLY feel that way, I'm trying not to let people know that. I feel this expectation to be blindly ecstatic with visions of a perfect pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby and perfect, perfect, perfection. Unfortunately, being in the field I'm in I see and hear a lot of stories and I know that bad stuff can happen...and I just feel scared that some of that stuff will happen to me and my baby.
Also...I feel scared of actually having the baby home with us after he/she is born. I am so nervous about how that will be and how will I know if they are okay and am doing the right thing. I'm scared of the exhaustion and the 24/7 need for me. I said about a month ago that I almost wish that Trevor and I didn't wait nearly 5 years to have our first child because I know how damn EASY and carefree these years have been. I do realize that I'll look back at those years and be thankful for our 1 on 1 time.
I also worry about how huge I'll get. I was already losing weight trying to get ready for a pregnancy....but then SURPRISE! It happened sooner that we thought. So now I'm all in a tizzy about how much weight I'll gain and being healthy and looking at that Shape of A Mother website and rocking myself to sleep at night.
I hope that these fears start going away. That I can start to feel more joyful and live in the moment of my first pregnancy.
Did any of you feel this way? If you did, how did you quiet your fears and just GO with it?
Her words surprised me, because while I TOTALLY feel that way, I'm trying not to let people know that. I feel this expectation to be blindly ecstatic with visions of a perfect pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby and perfect, perfect, perfection. Unfortunately, being in the field I'm in I see and hear a lot of stories and I know that bad stuff can happen...and I just feel scared that some of that stuff will happen to me and my baby.
Also...I feel scared of actually having the baby home with us after he/she is born. I am so nervous about how that will be and how will I know if they are okay and am doing the right thing. I'm scared of the exhaustion and the 24/7 need for me. I said about a month ago that I almost wish that Trevor and I didn't wait nearly 5 years to have our first child because I know how damn EASY and carefree these years have been. I do realize that I'll look back at those years and be thankful for our 1 on 1 time.
I also worry about how huge I'll get. I was already losing weight trying to get ready for a pregnancy....but then SURPRISE! It happened sooner that we thought. So now I'm all in a tizzy about how much weight I'll gain and being healthy and looking at that Shape of A Mother website and rocking myself to sleep at night.
I hope that these fears start going away. That I can start to feel more joyful and live in the moment of my first pregnancy.
Did any of you feel this way? If you did, how did you quiet your fears and just GO with it?
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