The Winds of Change....

With each of these cancer scares that Trevor has had over the last 2 years comes a sense of calm and strength in our marriage. It makes us stop and take a look at each other and really remember why we came together to share our lives. Sometimes when I want to punch him in the mouth because he's making me so crazy I just remember that feeling of not knowing what our future will be...will he be okay...will he die THIS time from cancer? And then I relax. I think MAN am I lucky to have this jackass in my life...in our daughters life....and then I move on. I swallow my pride WAY more now than ever before.

Trevor and I are also free spirits. We love the outdoors, the mountains, the streams, the nitty gritty of camping and bathing in lakes. Our hearts are happiest this way.
When we were waiting for the biopsy results I couldn't help but think about Trevors job. How much he wants to do something different...something he LOVES. I though...if he has cancer this time....FUCK IT....we're going to pack our shit and go. To our family property in South Dakota....to a campground on the beaches of Michigan....to Spearfish Canyon to fly fish our hearts out....wherever our hearts would take us. Because life is SHORT and I'll be damned if my husband spends the last years of his life in a friggin' cubicle selling his ass off so we can have nice THINGS.

And then the biopsy was negative and the fire is gone. Well, I shouldn't say GONE...but it's dim. It's hard to make these changes in life. To give up our safe jobs and our cute little home to move into the unknown. But we WANT to do. It's just the all the "How's" that get in the way. These posts on Sundry's Blog have really inspired both Trevor & I in the last couple of days. It feels good to know that someone else is in this boat with us.

I think we can do it.
I KNOW we can do it.
We just need to make our plan.

Healing

Trevor had to have a biopsy of a mass in his small bowel yesterday.

We now wait for the results....they should be available by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Please, if you believe in the power of prayer or sending healing thoughts....send them his way.

Thank you,
XOXO
Kristin

Lost

Hello. My name is Kristin and I have lost 22 lbs. Where did it go? Is it under the rug? Is it in the backseat of the car? Is it in my locker at work? Is it Climbing a mountain in Wyoming?

No.

It has been shipped away to TimBuckToo. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!!!
Dudes. I feel great.

Goals

Things I'd like to accomplish by the Fall:

1) Exercise 4 times/week
2) Save money every month
3) Be a patient wife and mom and daughter and friend and employee (sheesh!)
4) Do the laundry and then fold it and then put it away.
5) Let go of things I do not need.
6) Lose weight. For the LOVE of God.
7) Run a 5 or 10K for my 30th Birthday in September.

Things I'm doing to reach these goals:

1) Bought a new TRX to train on in my home. Starting a new running program.
2) Subscribed to Mint.com- husband and I are working on this together.
3) Working through some issues...this one is FOR sure a work in progress.
4) I hate laundry.
5) Began purging my attic yesterday...got rid of a huge bag of things. Garage sale in July.
6) Starting The Fresh Diet for one month to jump start my weight loss and begin to re-learn portion control as well as rid my diet of sugar. Because I am a sugar addict.
7) Ugh. I love running....but my weight is making it hard to do. Slow and steady with this one.

Any ideas or encouragement welcomed and needed!

Hello.

We have survived the winter.
Yesterday was beautiful....in the high 70's with blue skies and chirping birds.
My girl and I had a great day complete with a field trip with Jenni to Ginger Blossom, a lovely organic farm slash eclectic market. After...a picnic with banana cake for the ladies and a banana for the wee babe.

 

 

 

Today.

My father in law is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.
I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of our special pup Sativa.

 

This was the last picture taken of her....that night she passed away in our arms. She was 12. The love of our lives until Elkey came along. Trevor got her right after he was first diagnosed with cancer the 1st time. She was with him through chemo, radiation, moving from state to state. Meeting me. Falling in love. Buying our first home. Getting married. 5 years of marriage. Our first child.

Vacations, a million snow falls, hugs, kisses, road trips galore. She was a hunter....she was a romper.

We miss you Huskie. You gave us a reason to go play in the deepest snow on the coldest days. You warmed our hearts with your playful smiles. My heart hurts without you here. See you in Heaven my sweet girl.

Life.

Life has really chewed my ass these last few months. Unfortunately it did not actually remove any of the fat from my ass....it just chewed me up and spit me out.

Trying to find balance and identify priorities and muster up strength. Wondering how other people do it. Wishing I could too. Wanting to be a great mama, have the endurance to make it through my day as a good nurse, and still have enough at the end to be a good wife.

I've sure had a lot of chances in this life. More than most. Hoping I have the maturity to make proper decisions and make the most of this opportunity. To learn and grow and lay down a foundation for me and my family.

I am definitely grateful for this life and for all that I DO have. It's silly and wasteful and childish to wish for more. I have all that I could ever need....my health....and love. A family.

I hope that you are able to find the true meaning of this Holiday Season...in whatever way you celebrate. I hope that you too are able to muster through the difficulties of these times and recognize all that you have.

XOXO

13 things I am doing on this day, the 13th of October

1) Trying to visualize my office / dining room area rearranged to accommodate dogs new living area, as she is getting old and having a difficult time navigating our home and its slippery hardwoods.

2) Rearranging my bedroom. Again. It's a thing I can't stop doing.

3) Fantasizing about a new 48 oz. French Press...

4) Considering beginning my Christmas List

5) Preparing for Trevor to be gone at the Ranch from Friday to Wednesday. Wondering how I will manage to drink my usual amount of Oktoberfest Beer with a 4 month old around and no sober husband within a 500 mile radius. Oh Yeah....Grama Swanie!

6) Nursing a very screwed up lower back after hurting myself at work. 5K plans on hold....no running for this chubby girl until I lose some of this weight through diet and other forms of exercise. Too hard on my joints and low back.

7) Enjoying having Elkey sleep in her room at night....and *almost* through the night at that.

8) Wanting to burn all the CRAP that is cluttering my home and start anew.

9) Wishing the Money Fairy would come for a visit and take care of my medical bills and relieve some of our stress up in here!

10) Watching DVR'd Bravo shows...Rachel Zoe, Million Dollar Listings, Flipping Out, Top Chef, Real Housewives(any season) LOVE BRAVO!

11) Obsessively watching the video monitor...trying to will the baby to nap longer...Mama needs a break.

12) Deciding what pie I will bake for Thanksgiving....I'm thinking this one

13) Enjoying the dinner my husband made me...even though my eyelids are sweating because the top of the hot sauce "became unclogged" as he was spicing the dish.

I used to be an Athlete.

This is going to be short and sweet because I have NOT STOPPED SINCE 7AM.

I used to be and athlete. So strong....with lots of muscle. I loved my muscles. Especially my calves. I ran in the mountains, climbed rock faces, biked logging roads through the ponderosa pines. Completed two marathons in Alaska. I had endurance.
I felt so good. I even liked my body...

Now. Now....holy shit. I am overweight. Like 60 lbs overweight and it's not all from the baby. Only about 10-15 lbs is left over from that.
I feel weak. Slow. Sluggish. Gross. FAT FAT FAT.
I can't do shit.

Today this former marathon runner started the Couch to 5K running program. In the dark. Because I'm to embarrassed by my body. Don't want people to see me lumbering through the streets. My knees hurt, my calves burned. I felt like I was carrying a 7 year old on my back. My fat exterior floated up and down around my weakened muscles. Like sausage casing.

After the first minute of running I almost started to cry. I almost turned back.

But I didn't. I kept going. I pounded the pavement in the dark. A shadow under the street lamps of my little town. Wearing my industrial strength sports bra made in Germany. I finished.

Workout 1 complete. Two more months left and 23 workouts left until my 5K. The Lincolnwood Turkey Trot.

After my run tonight....I gave up my last caramel filled, espresso cream cheese topped, dulce de leche birthday cupcake to my husband.

It's the end of an era....I hope.

Heartbreaker

Ummmm. Hiya. I am updating from my iTouch while breast feeding in my very dark bedroom which is completely disheveled....much like my life is. Did you know that while babies are adorable and breathtaking and lifechanging and totally the best thing ever..... They are also really hard and also flabbergasting?

I am tired. And I start work Monday. And that kills me. Not the tired part (although I am sure that IS killing me softly) but the work part. I will miss the shit out of my baby girl. My heart is breaking.

That is all for now.

Smooshy Squooshy Fussy Mussy

We are in the midst of a "fussy stage" right now. Yowzaahs. Won't sleep in her bassinet, or her swing, or her bouncy chair. Only on her mama's chest. Oh....and on the hammock. Which was made of a pretty striped canvas-y type material purchased at IKEA last year and left outside to rot all winter....so today when I sat on it for the mafizillionth time in the last week to quiet my fussy muss, it tore....in half. My ass bone landed on a very hard root and Elkey began to scream even louder. It was great. Then I tried to go for a walk with her in the stroller to my local sandwich shop to get a delicious lunch....but the screaming did not end and I was forced to retreat back home. Hungry and wired with fussy baby frenetic energy.



Deep Breaths...........

3 Weeks!

My girl at 3 weeks getting ready to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Woodstock





Despite my sleep deprivation, I feel awesome. My body has healed and I am not feeling any baby blues....and maybe I'm not out of the woods yet...but I've got my fingers crossed that I've escaped it. I actually feel like working out again, but am taking it slow to start with walks at the forest preserve with Trevor, Elkey, and our dog, Sativa. I think I'll bust out the yoga next week....I'm feeling very stiff now that I haven't been practicing regularly.

You know you're a sleep deprived Mama when........

You've spent half of your day, complete with a shopping trip to Baby's R Us, with your flip flops on the WRONG FEET!



Aaaaaand here she is sleeping DURING THE DAY....instead of DURING THE NIGHT when her Mama would like to be snoozing.

Elkey's Birth Story

It was always my intention to have a natural childbirth. I envisioned myself laboring at home as long as possible, using my Lamaze techniques, rolling around the house on the big bouncy birthing ball and then going to the hospital at the last possible moment to deliver without intervention. No drugs. Minimal monitoring.

Well, you can wish in one hand and shit in the other--see which one fills up first.

Around my 28th-ish week of pregnancy my blood pressure started to increase slowly and my liver enzymes started to elevate. Two signs of preeclampsia. My doctors monitored me and the baby with once a month Level II ultrasounds, lab tests, and non-stress test fetal monitoring. All looked well except for those pesky liver enzymes that just wouldn't go back to normal. So as my blood pressure increased, so did my blood pressure medication dose and things were fine. Than around the first week of June my pressures were in the 160-170/90 range. I kept having to go to the hospital for monitoring. They put me on "modified" bed rest and I monitored my blood pressure at home. Finally, on June 17th in the late evening my pressures were consistently 180's/100's. The doctor sent me to the hospital for more monitoring. We got to the room, they checked my vitals, labs, urine for protein (which had been negative the whole time, one good thing I had going for me), hooked us up for a non-stress test and we waited. The nurse came in and had a funny look on her face....I said, "Oh man, my urine came back positive for protein, didn't it."
She shook her Head "no" and asked how we would feel about having a baby today (it was super early Thursday AM), and that it was the opinion of my doctor that I should be induced because of my blood pressure.

Trevor and I were shocked. We weren't planning on a BABY yet! We needed 4 more weeks of cuddling, dinners out, and general laziness! In reality though, we knew this was best for my health and mumbled and grumbled in agreement. I was immediately started on a drip of Magnesium Sulfate to relax my smooth muscles to try and prevent seizures related to my hypertension which continued until 12 hours after Elkey's birth. It made me feel hot,gooey, and shitty. I started to cry and told Trevor that I wished he could do this for me. That all that they were planning on doing to me was totally NOT MY PLAN....and that I felt scared about labor being strapped to a bed for hours on a million different medications. It wasn't my plan....and this new agenda just felt wrong to me.

They ripened my cervix overnight with an internal application of medication and then at 7am Thursday started me on Pitocin. Holy ba-jesus. Contractions were immediate, strong, hard, intense, frequent. I could barley move in bed because of the every 15minute BP's they were taking, the fetal monitor, and the IV magnesium which made it harder to walk. I started my deep breathing exercises....I rubbed my belly rhythmically, Trevor rubbed me with the tennis balls we packed. I sat at the edge of the bed...I rocked in Trevors arms. I struggled until 11AM when I was 5cm or so dilated and then I gave in. Actually, I didn't make the call. I couldn't bring myself to do it after all the months of hopeful planning for a drug free birth. Trevor called for the epidural. Thank you, Trevor for knowing and seeing what was best in that moment.

I got the epidural through a jillion petocin contractions and then layed back in bed and chilled out. I slept through the rest of my contractions on and off. We talked, we watched Cubs vs. Sox Crosstown Classic. It was strange not feeling my legs but I was thankful for the relief and needed the rest (an observation that I'm able to make now looking back at the situation).

Finally I was 10cm dilated around 3pm. However, the baby hadn't dropped very much...she was still at -2 station. pretty high up there. It was still time to push. The MD wanted to cut my continuous epidural dose in half so that I could effectively push. They called the anesthesiologist who was in c-section so I contued with that same dose. After about 15 minutes, I noticed I could really feel things again...and soon I could feel everything. I got on my hands and knees to push in a different position and when I turned over I noticed my epidural had become disconnected. I hadn't been receiving the meds for a long while and now...there was no numbness or relief to speak of from the epidural. The MD said that she wanted to keep it that way because Elkey was so far up and she and I would need all my strength to push her out....so no more meds for me. Then. THEN. I pushed. and I pushed. and I pushed. For all but TWO contractions over the next 4 hours. I felt everything. It hurt. I was nauseated and throwing up. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I just kept my eyes closed, focused. Pushed. Trevor was there for every single contraction with one arm hooked under my leg and another behind my head helping to fold me in half for each contraction. He counted to ten 3 times for each contraction, he spoke encouraging words. He whispered sweetly in my ear. He gave me everything I needed and more through such an intense time.
Trevor said he could see the baby's head for over an hour just slowly making its way out and finally crowning. When the head was *right* there I got a little extra through my epidural to take the edge off. I pushed with all my might, probably 4 more times...it STILL wasn't enough. they had to pull out the vacuum for a millisecond. They barley used it....but again, in my childbirth class when they talked about the vacuum and forceps I scoffed under my breath...they wouldn't be using those things on MY baby. Well they did. Also....I got an epesiotomy. Another little tid bit I didn't anticipate.

So...with a little extra suck from the vacuum, Elkey was born. Little conehead and all!

When they told us it was a girl, Trevor had to take a second look, we ALWAYS thought the baby in my belly was a boy! They set her on my chest and again, my intention was to breastfeed right away but she was "grunting" and needed a bit more attention...because of her grunting she was whisked away and sent to the NICU. She stayed there for the rest of her hospitalization...4 days. She was very sedated from the IV Magnesium I received and her appetite was poor. We went every 4 hours at the very least for her feedings.

I breastfed with a bit of formula supplementation. When I was discharged, Trevor and I drove to the hospital for her feedings. Luckily we only live 10 minutes away. On Father's Day we thought she would be able to come home, but she needed one more day because of her jaundice....so Elkey sent me out to get her daddy his first Father's Day tie in honor of the Cubs winning the Crosstown Classic on her birthday....apparently a good luck omen according to Trevor:

Finally on Monday we brought our special little girl home. What a treat....she is seriously a miracle baby. We both have always felt that we'd need help conceiving as Trevor and I both have different medical issues that could have potentially made it very hard to make a a baby. We still look at her and wonder how she is even here.

She was made just for us...for our little family.

Check It!

My best friend Sam, of the blog Back To Me, and a few of her friends have birthed a newborn baby blog: Live Well Spend Well!

It's a great blog for the times..reviews on beauty, food, fitness, and health products all under $15...except for the OCASSIONAL Slurge Worthy item under $50.
Please go check it out- they are all great writers, great women, and they deserve our support!

As the fine ladies of Live Well Spend Well say, "feeling fabulous inside and out shouldn't have to cost a fortune!"

Late Post: Elkey @ 2 weeks

Here is my girl at 2 weeks (minus the 2 week sign...I forgot) as well as a couple of other pics for you to enjoy!


Her "calvin" face from the cartoon strip Calvin & Hobbes:

Bathtime:




Birth story on the way soon....it's been more challenging than I thought to get all the details down without boring the hell out of you!

My Girl

Yes! The rumor is true! Our girl has been born....

Elkey Marion
Thursday, June 18th
7:19pm
6lbs 19in

Here she is fresh out of the oven:


On the day she was brought home (Monday):


And today...one week into life...with her pal, the buffalo:


Of course, her Birth Story is to come. It will take me a minute to type up so I thought I'd give you this little nugget to tide you over.

Thanks for all the internet love!
XOXO

Delicious nutty chocolate spread from heaven....

Today.....I cut a ice cream sandwich in half and then spread nutella and peanut butter on the open faces of vanilla. It was better than the best. It was unreal.

Also...my blood pressure is elevated. So I'll be spending the rest of the pregnancy relaxing at home. No more hospital, which actually makes me sad :-(
But I've gotta get this baby to 37 weeks....I'll be 36 this coming Thursday....so like a week and half of extra super caution. Luckily everything is just about ready around here. Maybe I'll bust out some nursery pics for you to pass the time away.

Inappropriate? I think NOT.

So...I have this issue. When I wear dresses, which I am doing A LOT these days because they are so comfy and forgiving, my underpants ROLL down into a bunch right off my hips and into the dangerous limbo land of....will they fall off or will they not.

Last week I had finally had enough of yanking at my bunched up bottoms like a 4 year old so I went to Gap Body looking for a solution. I weaved in and out of the racks and shelves not really finding "THE ONES". However, I did see a fellow preggo. She was WAY bigger than I, probably carrying twins, and holding a few pairs of underpants in her hand. So, I decided to ask her about her underpants situation...she was pregnant...had reached critical mass like I have...and is probably experiencing the same clothing issues as I. I walked up while touching my belly to show her that I am a fellow preggo and to not be alarmed by my intrusion, and said, "I know this is sort of a personal question, but what kind of underpants work for you? Mine are always rolling off my hips and belly into a bunch and I can't seem to find a pair that works".

She looked at me with HORROR. HORROR!!!! Can you believe that?!! It's not like I asked her this question in line at Starbucks or interrupted lunch with her boss at Panera. WE WERE IN GAP BODY and she was HOLDING UNDERPANTS IN HER HAND.

She mumbled something about a maternity store and scampered off. Seriously? This conversation with a fellow pregnant woman about appropriate under garments has flustered you THIS much?

Good luck with parenthood, uptight-crazy lady. GOOD LUCK.