Today.

My father in law is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.
I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.

Fear of My Mother-In-Law On The Sandy Beaches Of Sanibel Island

In 5 days we leave for a well deserved vacation on Sanibel Island, FL where Trevor's parents have a house...and where they are also currently living....as it is winter nd they are lucky ducks.
Trevor's sister, brother in-law, and our niece and nephew will also be there vacationing with us. Sounds like an awesome family get away, right?

Believe it or not, I am DREADING our first day with them. Why? Well....because since the last time they say me in a short sleeved T-shirt I started my half sleeve tattoo....





It's something I have wanted for a long time. I put a lot of thought into it, I thought about my parents, Trevor's parents, our future kids, aging, the children's weddings (what will I wear so that I won't be the crazy Mom with her huge tattoo all over the place), and a million other things. Ultimately my husband was psyched about it, I was psyched about it and I decided to take the leap.
Obviously it's not finished and that's because after my 3rd session I found out that I was pregnant! YEAH! But BOO!! for finishing my tattoo! Now I'll be waiting until this fall or beyond to see the final product. See, my INTENTION was to show it too them all AFTER it was complete, not that they would recoil in horror any less, but at least they'd be getting the final product. After that plan was foiled be the fetus, I began planning on showing them before they left for FL. But there was never a good time...I would be on the verge of telling them...the words would be on the tip of my tongue...my hand on my sleeve to pull it up and reveal...AAAAAND then I would chicken.

NOW. NOW, I am their pregnant daughter in law with a huge tattoo. They are going to DIE. It would be one thing if we weren't going to be frolicking around in our bathing suits for a week straight...BUT WE ARE. Sigh. I am just dreading this whole thing. I wish in the moment when they finally do see it I could blurt out all of the things that I thought about when making the decision to get this...that I thought of them and that they were LITERALLY the ONLY reason I felt nervous to get it.
My own parents will have to love me forever and the accept me for me, and they know who I am, they GET me, I was never worried about their, or anyone else's opinion.

All I can think of is when Trevor showed his Mom the beginnings of his full sleeve tattoo and all she said was, "It's SO BIG" with this look of disappointment on her face. My husband thinks they'll be fine, and actually finds humor in my nervous-first-day-of-school-tummy over this whole thing. He just doesn't get it....and I have seriously thought of not going because of it, isn't that ridiculous!!?!?!??!

So...what do you think. Should I bust out an email to them before we get down there or should I just show up in a short sleeved shirt and have his mother faint in the airport?

Please advise.

For you, a suprise!

About 3 weeks ago, I was admitted to the hospital for chest pain. They did lots of tests, did an ultrasound of my heart called a 2D Echocardiogram and found a crazy lump in my atrium and then did another test called a TEE (transesophageal echocardiogram) where they sort of sedate you and jam a tube down your throat, ultrasound through your esophagus to your heart (which is now a mere 2mm away or something crazy) and they found that the crazy lump on my atrial wall was nothing to be worried about, in fact it wasn't a lump at all but some fibers that are no big deal. I was released and all is well. During this time they did a pregnancy test...which I was secretly hoping would be positive...but it was negative. Oh well. We weren't really trying anyhow.

Fast forward to last Friday 11/14. Still no period. Sore breasts. Moody. PRAYING for my period so this hell could end.
The alarm goes off, it's 6am. Trevor gets in the shower...I have to pee. I can't fall back asleep. Peepeppeeeeepeeepeeeeee. Damn! I guess i have to get up. I decided to take another pregnancy test. The best time is in the morning, first pee. I have a pregnancy test, by chance. So, Trevor's in the shower I lumber into the bathroom, we exchange Good Mornings.

I pee on the stick.
I watch it progress.
Trevor showers.

It looks like this:


(not my actual test)

My hands start to shake and I fumble for the instructions, I compare. It is, in fact, positive. Holy SHIT!

I ask Trevor if he wants to see something crazy. He pauses and says, Sure?
I jam the test through the shower curtain and he is unsure of what he is looking at. I shout that it's a pregnancy test....and it's POSITIVE!! He looks at me with disbelief...we both are just standing there, water going everywhere, we are going to have a baby.

Through out the day I take another test...it's still positive. However, Trevor still is not convinced. He tells me to go the hospital (where I am an RN) early before I have to start my shift and see if any of the docs will write a script for me to have a blood test. So I do. I go to work, I find one of the docs I work with all the time, tell them the situation, they tell me I don't need the test, that the urine tests are accurate, but if my husband insists ( a great perk of my job). I go down to the outpatient lab, they draw my blood, and a few hours later I find out that my serum quantitative Hcg level is over 7,000. This freaks me out because I have no idea what that means. I look it up and learn that a non-pregnant woman's Hcg is <5. My number indicates I am somewhere between 5-6 weeks along. Which is what my OBGYN though when I called to make an appt. earlier in the the day. I call Trevor, he can belive now. When I come home from work we go out to eat. We don't say much....we stare at each other with wonder...with fear...with joy...with anticipation.

So, yeah. I'm PREGNANT.
It's still early and I am well aware of all the risks....but I had to share...and I'm so excited, and OMG!!!

Perfect in our own way.

It's getting cold at night. The air is no longer thick with heat and I walk my huskie throught cool brisk night air...I can see the high school stadium lights a few blocks away and hear the crowds cheer and the announcers voice boom. the sky is clear and crisp and the stars brighter...I walk a few blocks enjoying looking through my neighboors bright yellow windows into their lives for a few seconds each. I breathe pure fall air. I get to the sidewalks end and I am across the street from my home under a wide maple tree, standing with the street lamp spattering through the leaves casting pointy magical shadows onto my feet.

There is my house...the garden tall the mulch thick. Bright fall mums in my window boxes and fall grasses in my hanging planters. the porch lights call me home and I look throught the bright yellow window into my life and its perfect.

Scenes From My Life: July 20th-July 31st

Sunday, July 20th @ 3am:
We are at the Herrington Inn & Spa spending the night after our friends beautiful wedding and a night of merriment. Josh, Trevor's best friend in from Arizona, is staying with us in our room and we have just returned after some drinks, dancing, and lots of fun. I immediately jump in the shower as I am sweaty from dancing and wet with rain. I'm in the shower for a few minutes when I hear, "KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK...KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK!!! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!!

"WHAT?!", I yell.
"Ummm....Kristin? Trevor just fell from the balcony!!", Josh shouts.

My mind stops and I jump from the shower..grab a towel and run to the balconies edge to see Trevor laying on the ground 3 stories below.

Thursday, July 31st @ 7:15am:
I am asleep in a guest bedroom upstairs at my in-laws. It is my belief that my husband is asleep as well, in his hospital bed in the dining room downstairs. I am dreaming when in the back of my consciousness I hear, "KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK...KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK!!! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!!

"Come in...", I sleepily say.
The door swings open and in a panic my father-in-law stands there and says, "Kristin, I walked into the kitchen and Trevor was standing there trying to make his way to the bathroom"!
"GODDAMMIT", I yell.

I grab a hoodie and zip it on as I practically tumble down the stairs to Trevor who, by now, has made it too the bathroom....and he's naked (because he can't get boxers on due to the pelvic fractures...but now he can walk??!! WTF??!) He is in considerable pain. I grab his Dad's office chair with wheels and help Trevor's naked ass on to the soft leather that his Dad will later sit on and do work from. He is squawking and moaning as I roll him to the side of his bed...and we maneuver him into a laying position with his legs elevated.

I shout, "You are the stupidest person I know! If you pull that shit again, I'm going to send your ass to a nursing home to get rehab! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Trevor meekly nods his head in agreement and keeps his mouth shut..because he knows I'm THIS close to punching him in the face.


I need a drink.....and it's not even noon.

Home...sort of.

Trevor (AKA: Spidey, Batman, The Amazing Rubber Man, or anything else you'd like to call him) is now home, since Saturday, at the my in-laws, in their dining room. He has a nice hospital bed with a gel mattress and trapeze to help him maneuver on his own in bed and a great view out to his Mom's beautiful garden. His dad and brother-in-law ran some cable up to a TV and he's all set with his PlayStation 2. We're going to embark on a marathon of the TV show Lost when we get a DVD player hooked up....that should take up at least a week or two of our time, right?

He will stay in bed for the next couple of weeks, work from home as he's able, and then head on over to the Orthopedic Surgeon's office August 13th via ambulance for xrays of his spine, pelvis and right hip. If all goes well he'll get permission to start more intense physical therapy and will begin walking with a walker (I'm thinking I'll spray paint a "Camo" design or flames on it). I made the appt. a little early because our Godson's 1st birthday party is on August 17th...and if Trevor is able to go he'd love to...so we're going to press our luck, see if the universe with throw Trevor yet ANOTHER bone and go in about 5 days early and see if he has healed enough to get is arse out of bed! The worst they can say is "no". His desire to get our of bed a little earlier is also spurred by the Ten Club tickets we have to see Eddie Vedder at the Auditorium Theatre on August 21st. He figures he'll be in a wheelchair and will be given a handicapped seat close to the stage. If Eddie happens to find interest in him and his situation I think we'll have to substitute the "Trevor was acting like a Jackass story" with - Trevor was trying to rescue a kitten, puppy, and/or elderly woman causing him to tumble three stories. Maybe then Eddie will kiss me and ask me to marry him...I mean tell Trevor he is his hero.

Thanks to EVERYONE for your thoughts, prayers, and healing vibes. They have surely carried us through this last week.

Dahna na na na, Dahna na na na nahna na na...BATMAN!!

I am in the hospital typing this, not as a working RN, but as a visitor to my husband who had a terrible accident late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. He fell 3 stories off of a hotel balcony onto concrete. He has three broken ribs, two fractured vertebrae, a fracture in his sacral spine, two fractures in his pelvis (one in the front and one in the back-picture a lifesaver broken in half), and a fracture at his right hip joint. He has a small internal bleed that seems to be stable and is in a lot of pain, but thankfully, that's being pretty well managed. This morning, he also had an IVC Filter placed to help prevent any blood clots from working their way to his heart or lungs.

By the grace of something or someone MUCH larger than us he has come away from that night with his life and no change in sensation or movement in his legs. Also, as far as the orthopedic surgeons can tell from the xrays and scans he's had, he will not need surgery. Tomorrow we will know more and a plan will be established. We are well, we transferred from the ICU of another hospital to the unit and hospital I work at, so it's like being at my home away from home. I can totally trust my fellow RN's and the surgeons here...also I can be a busy body here and have my hands in more of his care...that's kind of hard to do when you're in another hospital. We are SO THANKFUL for this outcome....like I said, our situation could be MUCH worse.

I know some of you reading this are close friends of mine and are probably FREAKING that I haven't called to tell you. Just know my minutes have been consumed by our situation and updating family and I'll give you a ring soon. It's just a bit hard to make the call that starts with, "hey, Trevor fell 3 stories onto the hard concrete ground and his body is broken, OHMYGOD!"

Some of us have nicknamed him Batman...others have taken to calling hime Spidey. :-)

Last Day of Vacation

We woke up....I drove to Black Mountain to pick up brunch for the three of us at the Morning Glory Cafe. I got Dad's Famous Fish Tacos...I'm a sucker for good fish tacos. We ate on the deck, the mountain wind blew...and then Megs friend came to pick her up to take her off to Wellspring Camp were Meg will be the Field Staff Supervisor for the summer. It was her first day and she had a lot of work to do so we said our good byes....and then she left. Heavy Heart.

Lark and I putzed around the house for a bit and headed off to the airport. On the way we stopped and bought a bucket of fresh picked strawberries from the sweetest old man on the side of the road.


I could barely understand what he was saying between his southern drawl and the wet ball of chew in his lip....but Lark seemed to understand him and we left with a big bucket of sweet tender strawberries and headed into town for one last stop.

Mmmmm. I had been eyeing this place the entire trip but we never seemed to find the time to stop. I was determined to enjoy a treat before leaving...so we stopped in and I slipped in to bliss with a Coconut Cream Cupcake from The Sisters McMullen Cupcake Corner. Sweet Mother Of Pastry Heaven. Lark and I enjoyed our treats and drove peacefully to the airport. I hugged her goodbye...I grabbed my luggage...and with a full tummy and a fulfilled heart...I flew home to Chicago with cherished memories and time spent with some very special people in a very special place.

Day 4 of Vacation!

This day, we drove a few hours to The Nantahala River, rented a boat from the Nantahala Outdoors Center, and went whitewater rafting! Lark, Meg's lady, is an Outward Bound instructor and Meg and I both have had skads of outdoor education...so we felt pretty comfortable on our own. I say "pretty", because it's been almost 5 years since the last time I whitewater rafted in Alaska...and I'm not the most comfortable in fast moving water. But, I adapted and had a great time. The day started out mellow, then we stopped for a picnic lunch that Lark packed, and then we finished the day in a downpour of rain...but it felt good to have rain pelt my face while on a river, surrounded by The Smokies. It was beautiful....just what the doctor ordered. (of course, with a dry boot on my foot to protect my fresh tattoo. After, I peeled the boot off and hobbled over to bathrooms and received my first "stranger" tattoo compliment...I must say, it felt really good, even though that's not why I got it)

We finished the river in 3 hours, changed into warm clothes and snuggled up in the car for the hour drive back to Asheville. We ate carrot sticks & Reese's Pieces, listened to The Postal Service, and enjoyed the Mountain scenery.

After a warm shower at Meg's house we headed to her friend Maggie's for Maggie's 30th Birthday celebration. We ate poodle cakes,



played Root Ball & cards, drank good beer, and sat on the porch with friends on teal Adirondack chairs and enjoyed good conversation. I met some folks who went to Prescott College at the same time I did...we had fun reminiscing...everyone was so friendly, I never felt like a stranger.

We headed home...got into our jammies...and slept.
A long hard sleep.

Day 3 of Vacation

Meg woke me up with a delicious breakfast of eggs, veggie sausage patties, bagels, and rosemary potatoes. We drank french press coffee and slowly woke for the day.

We drove into downtown Asheville, did some shopping at Malaprop's Bookstore, and drank lattes. It was a beautiful day for a casual city stroll and good conversation. She is one of my most genuine and favorite friends....writing this makes me feel a little sad that we can't be together more often. Then I was introduced to the wonderful world of Amazing Savings: "One of Asheville's best kept secrets. Organic and natural foods at 50% to 80% off because they are either almost out of date or they are out of date or just overstocked." Can you even believe this? We bought stuff there for $.99 that you would buy at the regular grocery for $5.00!! They had my cereal, luna bars, organic fruits, veg, spices!!! It was insane the discounts to be found there! I would be SET FOR LIFE if I had one around my house. Can you imagine..Trader Joes AND Amazing Savings?!

After I was all riled up from money saving we decided to wind the hell down with some drinks and sunshine at the Root Bar and played Root Ball, a game I had heard a lot about from Meg but had never played. It's a super fun and easy outdoor game. The day was true blue summer....with sand between our toes on the court, dogs frolicking under foot, good beer in hand and lots of friendly folks.

Then. Then! The grand finale of the day: we went to Empire Tattoo (the birthplace of several of Meg's gorgeous tattoos) and I got this delightful treat with my sweet husbands blessing from across the country. It was kind of a spur of the moment...but not really. I had wanted this tattoo for a long time, but with a peony bloom. However, I'll soon be getting a larger piece with peonies and I didn't want to be the incredible peony tattoo lady. So, I changed the flower to a branch of the Tulip Poplar tree, a beautiful sight I had only seen in Asheville. The day before I went a little nuts and took a million pictures of one on campus. In memory of this great trip: the branch and bloom. And the quote: from memories of a childhood filled with Cat Stevens records, a line from my all time favorite song in life, "The Wind". (not great quality sound in this link, but the best I could do).

Big Happy Smiles.

Oops, I crapped my pants! (old SNL skit.....anyone?)

I'm totally shitting my pants right now.

I was fine until about 10 minutes ago when I came to the true realization that I am going to be on the floor tomorrow as a nurse BY MYSELF. I won't have my preceptor at my beckon call to help me when I am feeling overwhelmed by my patient load. I won't have someone right next to me to bounce ideas off of or ask stupid questions of. I am ON MY OWN. Tomorrow is that day that I have worked towards for so long and it is giving me diarrhea.

Damn.

Also, now that I am on 12 hour days 3x/week I can finally get back into my normal yoga and workout routine. It has been such a struggle to find the time and energy to devote to my personal fitness goals. My body is in misery.

Here is a list I wrote tonight thinking about why it is important to eat right and exercise regularly:
1) Prevent Diabetes, Stroke, Heart Disease, Hypertension, High Cholesterol, Cancer, & Kidney Disease. All things that come with the territory of being overweight.

2) Increase my energy level and release stress and tension, in turn decreasing my risk of stress related physiologic changes

3) Be a better example for my patients and future children

4) Increase fertility

5) Improve my self image

Back to being scared. My God. I am so nervous right now.
I know I can do it. I'm just friggin' terrified.

Day Two Of Vacation

Meg had to be up at 7:45am to start checking out the freshmen that she manages as a Resident Director. I was allowed to sleep in a woke to hear a familiar voice in the living room...it was Peter, a long time friend of Meg's. He and I had a met a few years back when I was at WWC for a visit. The three of us went to breakfast, caught up on each others lives, and then Meg and I packed up her car with some of her stuff and headed to out the her summer destination, Wellspring Adventure Camp (WAC), where she'll be the Field Director. On the way we stopped a Filo, a wonderful little Greek cafe with homemade morning treats, breads, and espresso. We bought some Black Bottom Macaroons and iced lattes and headed up the Blue Ridge Parkway for a magnificent drive to camp. The Smokey Mountains have some of the most beautiful views that I've seen to date, no matter how many times I drive this Parkway, I am always breathless. Meg told me the story of the young Native American boy Falling Rock, and we arrived at camp. When we pulled up, our EMT training kicked in and our adrenaline started pumping. There was a firetruck, news vands, and a helicopter. We were sure there had been a terrible accident with the staff at WAC. Luckily that wasn't the case, however something just as tragic had a occured. The previous Tuesday a man and his son crash their small plane in the mountains above camp. Their bodies had been removed the day before and this day they were removing the wreckage. The helicopter was to fly up to the crash site, tether up the plane, and then fly it to the field at camp where it would be placed on a truck bed and sent to Atlanta for investigation. We watched the helicopter take off into the mountainside, but he returned emptied handed as it was too windy and dangerous to complete.

Meg and I took her dog, Stella, for a swim in the river with some other dogs, chatted with her fellow staff for the summer, and unloaded some of her stuff in their room. Ahhh..to be a transient hippie outdoor educator once again. What a life.
We left camp, headed back to Asheville a different way, through some old towns that we had explored the first time we were ever in NC together on a road trip to her college to check it out. It was a trip of a lifetime.

When we arrived back home we were beat. We ate some lunch and proceeded to watch trashy TV for a few hours, including Keeping Up With The Kardashians and American Gladiator. Our plan was to wait until her partner, Lark arrived home from her latest Outward Bound trip (she's and instructor) and then head out to see a local band. Plans changed, as Lark got home late and we were all pooped, so Meg and I made a trip to the grocery store for Movie Food and we settled in for the night to watch Superbad and drink beer under snugly quilts with Reese's Pieces and popcorn.

Nice.

Day One of Vacation: A Summary

Hey all I am back!

I had an amazing time in Asheville, NC with one of my most Best and Dearest Friends, Meg. We had such a great time...living in her world is such a vacation from my reality, and here's why: she lives on campus as a Resident Director in her own little 2 BR 2 BTH apartment at Warren Wilson College, complete with deck and Brazilian hammock. WWC is the most beautiful and quaint college campus in the world, nestled in a valley of the Great Smokey Mountains...with a fully functioning organic farm. A cafeteria that serves cheap, organic (from the college farm and surrounding farms) food, as well as a little cafe called the Cow Pie that is 100% organic and VEGAN. Not that I am vegan or anything, but when I can, I eat that way because I love too! The dorms are spread out all over campus and many of them have different themes. The Wellness dorm is a place you can live if you want to be free of drugs and alcohol and commit to a lifestyle of wellness. The Eco Dorm is completely sustainable, solar powered, with composting, and their own organic garden out front. Etc Etc. I will post pics soon, I can't today because I left the "special cord" that does that sort of thing in Meg's living room.

Day 1:
I arrived in Asheville, NC. Meg picked me up all hopped up on coffee and Full Throttle energy drinks, smoking a cigarette. This day was her last day of school and she had been up since 4am (it was now 11am) working on a final project. She had gotten only 2 hours of sleep. We went to her last class EVER for her Outdoor Leadership major (she has a second major she is finishing up next semester in History). We had a great few hours in her Social Justice class doing initiatives for a presentation of a fellow classmate and engaging in thoughtful discussions. Not what I had expected on a vacation, but so wonderful and thought provoking. I miss those days from when I went to Prescott College, in Prescott, AZ for Adventure Education. There is something so familiar about that day that I didn't know I missed.
After, we mellowed out and chatted over Hawaiian Pizza before heading to Pisgah Brewery to meet up with some folks. Totally organic...totally amazing beer. Meg brings me a jug each Christmas. I emailed them about 6 months ago, asking if they could send me a case. They said that they didn't ship and that I'd have to wait until next Christmas when my friend could bring me more beer (crazy beer hippies). Luckily, I didn't have to wait that long. The crazy thing about this brewery is that it's only open to the public on Thursday nights. So, you go in, buy your jugs of beer to stock up for the week, listen to live music, and drink beer inside the very warehouse where they make the beer. They sell to surrounding bars...so I was able to enjoy a few more pints through out the next 5 days, thankfully.
Since school was out for summer, we had a lot of socializing to do and goodbyes to say. We went to Meg's friend, Emily's house and drank a few more pints, burned veggie burgers on the stove, and played Catchphrase for the next 4 hours. My throat was sore from screaming the answers (I get very into this game) and from laughing uncontrollably. Emily is interesting, to say the least. She is a dread-headed, gay, 20 year old woman. She had just completed a half-ironman triathlon,is a double major in Outdoor Leadership and Environmental Chemistry, does Ham radio with her dad and is certified in doing so...I had no idea you could be certified in that. In fact, in her home town of Lansing, MI, her house is the tallest point, because of their ham radio antenna. She can also do Morse Code. Once I found this out, I proceeded to make tapping noises with my beer bottle on the coffee table in "sequence" asking her translate for the next 15 minutes. I would highly recommend this to anyone who is drunk and happens to have a drunk friend over who is fluent in Morse code. She was the funniest and coolest person I had met in a really long time. (sounds nerdy-but is true)

The night ended with me sharing my latest Us Weekly with Meg and explaining to her who all the people are in the magazine as she is fairly removed from that sort of crap. We had a late night best friend chat and then passed out for the night.

A great first day.

Back In The Saddle!

I've been working my ass of lately.
Well, not literally.
And that...is the PROBLEM.

With my days being consumed by long hours on my feet nursing..I find myself so pooped when I get home at 4pm I can barely function. The other day I had a beer and passed out on my hammock like a drunken sailor A) because I was so tired B) because I never drink anymore so the beer got me DRUNK and C)the sun drained all the life out of me and I was rendered useless in the hammock for the remainder of the afternoon!

With this new schedule I have really gotten out of my awesome and newly formed work out routine. So in the last two weeks I have been trying to get outside and do cardio 3-5 times per week. Mostly 3 times per week to be honest. I feel like I am finally starting to adjust and I'm being left with a smidge more life to carry out a workout at the end of my day. Today's workout was 30 minutes at the forest preserve doing interval training; 3 minutes walking, 1 minute running, and 1 minute of resistance training with my resistance band and a tree. Sativa, our dog, thought that I was schizophrenic as I changed our speed and started whipping around a giant rubber band every couple of minutes. I'd have to say she was pretty disgusted with me by the end.

So, today is the day of new beginnings and the day when I get back in the saddle and start actively working towards my weight loss goal again. I think I'm going to post my weight in the next week...but not today. I'm just not in the mood for that. :-)

And let me just say, for the thousandth time, I LOVE being a nurse. Everyday is a new adventure..and everyday is scary and exhilarating at the same time. I am learning so much and I work with my friends who have supported me through 6 years of school and life...and now they support me and lift me up as a nurse. It's so great....I wouldn't do anything else with my life and that feels so damn good.

Stop the Bullshit

I'm sitting home, watching the snow fall...AGAIN, and relaxing by a warm fire in the fireplace, on a day off from nursing (the BEST job in the world BTW), reading blogs. Through my WWW exploration today I found the You Tube clip below of Anne Hathaway excepting and award from the Human Rights Campaign for her support of the LGBT community. It moved me so much because I have a very dear and best friend, Meg, who is a lesbian. She is in a loving relationship with a cute little potter. I used to always talk about planning their vegan hippie mountain top wedding..and say when you get married this and when you get married that, until one day Meg said, "Kristin, we CAN'T get married". And I just rambled on, "Oh, that whole no gay marriage thing? That's so stupid, don't listen to them. You can get married, it's just a piece of paper. Don't be silly". After saying that I looked up and saw her face...and then realized the seriousness of what she had said...she can not, BY LAW, marry the one person in this world who she would give anything to marry. She is not allowed to do that. It's so easy for me to say it's just a piece of paper, because I am, in the eyes of our government, more civilized in my heterosexual relationship than she is. Over the years she has told me how people will look at her and her girlfriend when they hold hands in public...how she has been treated as a gay woman. It makes me SICK to think of some asshole passing judgment on her...thinking she is less of a human being than they are. I could go on and on...

I have a Lesbian Best Friend. She is kind, loving, hyper-intelligent, in love, revolutionary, inspirational, strong, hysterical, and amazing. She deserves the same amount of respect that you do. Treat her as you would want to be treated. Embrace her as a fellow human being.
Let's stop the bullshit.

Wild Geese

Today's yoga class kicked my butt. It was worth it in the end because my body was thankful for the stretching, flexing, and centering....and because my yoga instructor shared this poem with us.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


This was just what I needed today....this poem. I do not have to be good. I do not have to walk on my knees through the desert repenting. I can live my life and be the best I can be...whether or not it is the best to you...or good to you...is not something to be worried about. I will live my life as it fulfills me and fit into this world as I am meant to.

Small People AMAZE ME

Meet my pseudo-nephew, Theo. I sometimes call him "Pseudopoops" inspired by the blog Pseudostoops...a friend of Sam's. Isn't he cute??!! I spent yesterday over at their house asissting with various chores: laundry, recycling disposal, lunch fetching, etc. But mostly marveling at the craziness that is my best friend as a MOTHER. WOW. She seriously has me in awe. I can't stop thinking about how Sam and Bryan have CREATED this amazing little person...that Sam has BIRTHED this child...and that he will GROW and SPEAK. The fact that my best friend from childhood is now a mother is so mind blowing...I can't even put the emotions into words. All I can say is, Sam, you are my idol. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing and beautiful woman. You create FOOD for your child with your BODY and I don't even know what to say about it all, except I love you!

Weigh In - Week 5

STARTING WEIGHT: 186.9

Current Weight: 183
Pounds lost this week: 0 lb
Pounds to Goal Weight (150): 33.1
Total Weight Loss: 3.9 lbs ( still 12 ish sticks of butter)

THIS IS NO JOKE!
After 2 weeks of ridiculous eating habits....my weight has stayed THE SAME! HALLELUJAH!!! This next week, I am going to rock it out. It's going to be weight loss city around this joint. Stay Tuned!

On an even more exciting note- my very best friend in the whole wide world Samantha Jo Campen of this blog just gave birth the her new little boy last night at 8:03pm. It's she and her husbands first child, Theo. I am so proud of her...she is such a strong woman and has gone through a lot this last month with pre-term labor issues, but now all is well and I am going to get to meet him today after work! Yeah!

Life is Good.

Exam Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 at 8:00 AM
Candidate: Kristin C.
NCLEX ID: *******
Registration #: *********
Exam: NCLEX-RN: The National Council Licensure Examination for Registered Nurses
Grade: pass

Ummm. Oh my god.

I passed my boards.
I am speechless and crying and so emotional, I don't have the brains right now to post.

I just wanted to let you all know that I DID IT!!!!!!!!
WOOO HOOO!
Thanks for all of you words of encouragment, support, and good mojo.
I know it helped. I am off to yoga to shimmy all the last bits of anxiety and tension out of by body and then I'll be ready to party!

XOXOXOXOOXOXO

Marc Jacobs & Emotional Eating

Laa-deee-da. Just waiting around. Just anxiously waiting to learn the results.

Life as I knew it is at a standstill. That means, no yoga or aerobic activity and a boat load of food down my pie-hole in an effort to drown out the bad feelings. Yep. You said it. I'm an emotional eater. When the going gets tough...the food gets eaten. The good thing is, since I am "on a diet" there isn't a whole lot of bad stuff in the house. So pigging out means a Caramel Brownie Luna Bar (to DIE for BTW) and a chocolate covered banana. However, I was recently released from my home this past weekend to the city where I wrassled a screaming 6 month old...and if that doesn't make you want to eat a bag of kettle corn and 10 Oreos, I don't know what does. That's why there is no weigh in this week as I'm not sure how well I would fair weight gain and the 4 lbs I've lost is easy as hell to gain back in a week, for me at least. So, next Monday we'll see what the damage is.

Back to the hell of waiting. I have been stalking the website where I can find out my results because I was told that there is a chance I could see them TONIGHT, which to me is *OMG ANY MINUTE NOW IT COULD SHOW UP! CHECK THE SITE! CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!*

It is so nice out and I know I would be way better off romping in the snow with the huskie for an hour....but I can't seem to muster up the energy...it's all being used on eating oatmeal and watching documentaries about Marc Jacobs and stalking websites and SHOWERING for work. God forbid I actually accomplish something today. Sheesh.