It's been a long day and I just flipped through the latest issue of Playboy that came for Trevor in the mail. Hey, I like the articles!
I felt so tired and my eyes were heavy from a long day by his side and a few hours on the floor nursing other peoples husbands to health as mine lay a few doors away in pain. Hard.
I turned the lights out..and that's when the sadness comes, when I begin to feel overwhelmed.
God. I want him here in bed, even though he sometimes makes annoying sounds as he fights his way to sleep. I just want him here to hold hands with and to snuggle with in the dark. I don't want to watch TV alone, where is he to fight with me about watching another damn stupid episode of Flipping Out? I know he is sleeping alone...in the hospital...I wonder if he is awake wondering where I am...or if he's in pain. I think of the many more weeks it will be like this and my heart is aching and the tears flow and I feel like I can't do it....and I feel angry with him for being so stupid and I feel sad for him and his broken body...and I feel selfish because I want him to know how hard these last few day have been, but I've been so strong for him...and he has no idea. I can't wait to see him in the morning but I dread the moments when the pain is unbearable and I can't make it go away and he looks up at me with those frantic and confused eyes..why am I letting him suffer?
I feel thankful that we have so much support...and I can feel the good vibes of love and healing....but all I want is my husband back in bed with me....and it feels like that day will be so far away and my heart bleeds and my eyes cry and all I want is the strong arms of my healthy husband and his warm chest to wipe my tears on.