Some stuff about the last year.

A meme from Sundry!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Started growing another human being in my body

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions because I never stick to them. it's always disappointing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My best friend Samantha, my childhood friend Jamie, and two of my friends at work.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit? Is Park Rapids, MN a country?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Jeez. More money in savings, more patience, enough money to take unlimited yoga at my favorite studio for a year, an organized home.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 21st-the day Trevor plummeted to the ground from a 3rd story balcony and broke his body. November 14th-the day the pregnancy test read POSITIVE!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a nurse!!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not taking hold of our finances like we had planned. It's so much easier to be lazy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Injury- Trevor's "balcony incident"

11. What was the best thing you bought? New and fancy yoga mat

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? OBAMA!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Blago the Governor....California (Prop 8)

14. Where did most of your money go? Our house and "things" (I'm being honest)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being pregnant (also really, really, really scared.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Ridiculous but....I Kissed A Girl.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier...but also sadder due to my insane and raging hormones of death.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter...due to the baby. Not MUCH fatter though (yet)
c) richer or poorer? Richer but not by much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Camping with husband and family

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve at work and then with Trevor's family for their annual cocktail/dinner party, Christmas Day with my family, the day after with Trevor's family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Hills. Please don't hate me.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. I don't hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read? The Devil In The White City!!!!!!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Susan Tedeschi

26. What did you want and get? A baby in my belly, The healing of my husband, A job as a nurse, the health of my family.

27. What did you want and not get? A million dollars, a home on a lake

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Humbolt County

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28...and I can't remember. Isn't that terrible??!!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A more organized and less cluttered home.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Yoga casual.

32. What kept you sane? Yoga

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eddie Vedder in all his hotness.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage.

35. Who did you miss? Grace, Jamie, The Gissel Family, friends in general because we are all so damn busy.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Gosh...I haven't really net anyone new that has stayed in my life. I think any of my patients...and their are a few really special ones that grip my heart.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Life is so damn temporary. Painfully and heart achingly temporary. Make the best of this amazing time...try not to focus on the crappy everyday little things. Focus on the miracle of being ALIVE.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. again...drawing a blank...

Happy New Year all!!

On Fear....

So....the other day a good friend of mine from nursing school just looked at me and said, "you look really scared. are you scared?".

Her words surprised me, because while I TOTALLY feel that way, I'm trying not to let people know that. I feel this expectation to be blindly ecstatic with visions of a perfect pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby and perfect, perfect, perfection. Unfortunately, being in the field I'm in I see and hear a lot of stories and I know that bad stuff can happen...and I just feel scared that some of that stuff will happen to me and my baby.

Also...I feel scared of actually having the baby home with us after he/she is born. I am so nervous about how that will be and how will I know if they are okay and am doing the right thing. I'm scared of the exhaustion and the 24/7 need for me. I said about a month ago that I almost wish that Trevor and I didn't wait nearly 5 years to have our first child because I know how damn EASY and carefree these years have been. I do realize that I'll look back at those years and be thankful for our 1 on 1 time.

I also worry about how huge I'll get. I was already losing weight trying to get ready for a pregnancy....but then SURPRISE! It happened sooner that we thought. So now I'm all in a tizzy about how much weight I'll gain and being healthy and looking at that Shape of A Mother website and rocking myself to sleep at night.

I hope that these fears start going away. That I can start to feel more joyful and live in the moment of my first pregnancy.
Did any of you feel this way? If you did, how did you quiet your fears and just GO with it?

A little hostility.......

You know you're having ISSUES with your hormones when the dog barks at you from the sliding glass door to come in from the freezing cold and you grumble to yourself, "GOD! Why can't the damn dog just quietly ASK to come in? WHY does she INSIST on BARKING SO LOUDLY!!?? Can't she see I'm on FACEBOOK?! JEEEEEZ!"

I'm trying to maintain serenity....I really am.

Let's Raise Some Cash!

Hey all! My blog pal Pseudostoops is giving away her hard earned money this week to a few different charities and could use your help! All you have to do is go to her website and comment on that days post and she'll donate an additional $.50 to the charity or organization featured that day on top of the $25 she has already pledged! You don't have to say anything special....you can even type "I am commenting".

Here it is in her words, "This year, instead of one large-ish donation to a favorite organization, I’m going to give several smaller donations to smaller local organizations. These are organizations I know either personally or professionally, that are perhaps not as well-known as some of the bigger charitable causes. All of them are organizations to which I’ve never donated money directly before (though for some, I have donated time)".

On Friday she doesn't have an organization to feature so in your comments each day you can also put a vote in for the organization of your choice and hopefully it will be chosen for a minimum donation of $50!

Let's rally for Pseudostoops and all the folks who will benefit from the donations!

READY, SET, COMMENT!!!!!

and, AND...

I got to visit the baby in my belly today! I had some cramping and went into the office for a check up...everything looks fine, so no worries there. But today you could see how the amniotic sac has formed, the start of the umbilical cord, and the blood flow from me to the baby through the cord!! And, when I thought it couldn't get any better, the baby in my belly started to MOVE AROUND...and I got to see it! It was like a little seahorse wagging its tail at me!

AMAZING!

The Ultrasound Says.....

Sorry to keep you waiting!
Officially....I am 8 weeks pregnant! Yesssss! Everything looked good and I'm scheduled for my next appt in 4 weeks.
However, I DID have to go on Labetalol for my blood pressure. I have been on medication for my blood pressure for about two years (I have had issues iwth hypertension since I was 18 but I didn't need meds until two years ago) and went off of the meds per my Cardiologist as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I have been keeping close tabs on my BP everyday, taking it at home in the morning and evening and the results have been suprisingly great off my usual meds. On a few occasions my pressures went above the acceptable range after stressful days at work, etc. Thus resulting in being prescribed a new, safer BP med for pregnancy. In addition to the medication I have been continuing with yoga 3-4 x/ week, cutting back on sodium, and not drinking a single lick of caffiene. Painful but true.

Thanks for the good mojo!!!

Butterflies

I have butterflies in my stomach today....in fact they're not just in my stomach...they've traveled up into my chest and throat. They're strangling me!!

I'm so nervous because today is our first appointment with the OBGYN. I've been having nightmares every night that range from the doctor telling me I am not pregnant, that my uterus is incapable of carrying a baby to full term, to a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It's quite ridiculous....but each time I think of walking into the office at 2:45 today I feel panic well up in my chest.

I think it's hard for me to grasp the idea that Trevor and I made a baby without even really trying. I have an irregular menstrual cycle and he has a low sperm count due to a series of radiation treatments for cancer years back. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??
I must confess that I have always thought, deep down, that we wouldn't be able to have children. I know so many people who struggle with conceiving, who've had multiple miscarriages. How could we be so lucky, so blessed?

I have always wanted children, I love children....and I've never felt the depth of this desire until I found out I was pregnant. I am so afraid that today I'm going to be told it's not true....it's just killing me.

Deep Breaths.

I have a full day ahead of me: yoga, a meeting at work, and then the appt. I'll let you know how it goes.

My Body is Playing Tricks On Me

Hello.

I am nauseous....but I still feel like eating (WTF???). So I eat.
And then....I am still nauseous.

Jeez.

I love you tiny little baby....but I feel upset right now because all I want is this hideous feeling to go away.