Thursday, December 4, 2008

Butterflies

I have butterflies in my stomach today....in fact they're not just in my stomach...they've traveled up into my chest and throat. They're strangling me!!

I'm so nervous because today is our first appointment with the OBGYN. I've been having nightmares every night that range from the doctor telling me I am not pregnant, that my uterus is incapable of carrying a baby to full term, to a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It's quite ridiculous....but each time I think of walking into the office at 2:45 today I feel panic well up in my chest.

I think it's hard for me to grasp the idea that Trevor and I made a baby without even really trying. I have an irregular menstrual cycle and he has a low sperm count due to a series of radiation treatments for cancer years back. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??
I must confess that I have always thought, deep down, that we wouldn't be able to have children. I know so many people who struggle with conceiving, who've had multiple miscarriages. How could we be so lucky, so blessed?

I have always wanted children, I love children....and I've never felt the depth of this desire until I found out I was pregnant. I am so afraid that today I'm going to be told it's not true....it's just killing me.

Deep Breaths.

I have a full day ahead of me: yoga, a meeting at work, and then the appt. I'll let you know how it goes.

4 comments:

Kate said...

Thinking of you today!

I understand that feeling of not realizing how deeply you want something until you have it and then the thought of loosing it makes you absolutely crazy. I felt the same way.

painterjoy said...

Is it that "too good to be true" thing? Your mind can't wrap around the idea of something so good. Well, you deserve all this goodness! I am thinking of you and sending you good energy. Can't wait to hear how it goes.
Your body is perfectly designed to do just this - make a beautiful healthy baby and bring it into the world.

And I remember the early nausea/hunger thing. I was obsessed with food for months.

Kristin C. said...

Thanks Kate & Joy!
Your kind words have left me with teary eyes.

samantha jo campen said...

I was scared to death at finding out there wasn't a baby in there. That I had some kind of wonky flu or something. My cousin felt the same way going to her first U/S too. When I found out there WAS a baby in there I was scared there was no heartbeat. But it was Theo pumping away in there so it was all good.

Seriously, be prepared to worry for the rest of your life, every single day from this moment on. It's exhausting.