Today.

My father in law is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.
I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.

Home...sort of.

Trevor (AKA: Spidey, Batman, The Amazing Rubber Man, or anything else you'd like to call him) is now home, since Saturday, at the my in-laws, in their dining room. He has a nice hospital bed with a gel mattress and trapeze to help him maneuver on his own in bed and a great view out to his Mom's beautiful garden. His dad and brother-in-law ran some cable up to a TV and he's all set with his PlayStation 2. We're going to embark on a marathon of the TV show Lost when we get a DVD player hooked up....that should take up at least a week or two of our time, right?

He will stay in bed for the next couple of weeks, work from home as he's able, and then head on over to the Orthopedic Surgeon's office August 13th via ambulance for xrays of his spine, pelvis and right hip. If all goes well he'll get permission to start more intense physical therapy and will begin walking with a walker (I'm thinking I'll spray paint a "Camo" design or flames on it). I made the appt. a little early because our Godson's 1st birthday party is on August 17th...and if Trevor is able to go he'd love to...so we're going to press our luck, see if the universe with throw Trevor yet ANOTHER bone and go in about 5 days early and see if he has healed enough to get is arse out of bed! The worst they can say is "no". His desire to get our of bed a little earlier is also spurred by the Ten Club tickets we have to see Eddie Vedder at the Auditorium Theatre on August 21st. He figures he'll be in a wheelchair and will be given a handicapped seat close to the stage. If Eddie happens to find interest in him and his situation I think we'll have to substitute the "Trevor was acting like a Jackass story" with - Trevor was trying to rescue a kitten, puppy, and/or elderly woman causing him to tumble three stories. Maybe then Eddie will kiss me and ask me to marry him...I mean tell Trevor he is his hero.

Thanks to EVERYONE for your thoughts, prayers, and healing vibes. They have surely carried us through this last week.

Dahna na na na, Dahna na na na nahna na na...BATMAN!!

I am in the hospital typing this, not as a working RN, but as a visitor to my husband who had a terrible accident late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. He fell 3 stories off of a hotel balcony onto concrete. He has three broken ribs, two fractured vertebrae, a fracture in his sacral spine, two fractures in his pelvis (one in the front and one in the back-picture a lifesaver broken in half), and a fracture at his right hip joint. He has a small internal bleed that seems to be stable and is in a lot of pain, but thankfully, that's being pretty well managed. This morning, he also had an IVC Filter placed to help prevent any blood clots from working their way to his heart or lungs.

By the grace of something or someone MUCH larger than us he has come away from that night with his life and no change in sensation or movement in his legs. Also, as far as the orthopedic surgeons can tell from the xrays and scans he's had, he will not need surgery. Tomorrow we will know more and a plan will be established. We are well, we transferred from the ICU of another hospital to the unit and hospital I work at, so it's like being at my home away from home. I can totally trust my fellow RN's and the surgeons here...also I can be a busy body here and have my hands in more of his care...that's kind of hard to do when you're in another hospital. We are SO THANKFUL for this outcome....like I said, our situation could be MUCH worse.

I know some of you reading this are close friends of mine and are probably FREAKING that I haven't called to tell you. Just know my minutes have been consumed by our situation and updating family and I'll give you a ring soon. It's just a bit hard to make the call that starts with, "hey, Trevor fell 3 stories onto the hard concrete ground and his body is broken, OHMYGOD!"

Some of us have nicknamed him Batman...others have taken to calling hime Spidey. :-)

Back In The Saddle!

I've been working my ass of lately.
Well, not literally.
And that...is the PROBLEM.

With my days being consumed by long hours on my feet nursing..I find myself so pooped when I get home at 4pm I can barely function. The other day I had a beer and passed out on my hammock like a drunken sailor A) because I was so tired B) because I never drink anymore so the beer got me DRUNK and C)the sun drained all the life out of me and I was rendered useless in the hammock for the remainder of the afternoon!

With this new schedule I have really gotten out of my awesome and newly formed work out routine. So in the last two weeks I have been trying to get outside and do cardio 3-5 times per week. Mostly 3 times per week to be honest. I feel like I am finally starting to adjust and I'm being left with a smidge more life to carry out a workout at the end of my day. Today's workout was 30 minutes at the forest preserve doing interval training; 3 minutes walking, 1 minute running, and 1 minute of resistance training with my resistance band and a tree. Sativa, our dog, thought that I was schizophrenic as I changed our speed and started whipping around a giant rubber band every couple of minutes. I'd have to say she was pretty disgusted with me by the end.

So, today is the day of new beginnings and the day when I get back in the saddle and start actively working towards my weight loss goal again. I think I'm going to post my weight in the next week...but not today. I'm just not in the mood for that. :-)

And let me just say, for the thousandth time, I LOVE being a nurse. Everyday is a new adventure..and everyday is scary and exhilarating at the same time. I am learning so much and I work with my friends who have supported me through 6 years of school and life...and now they support me and lift me up as a nurse. It's so great....I wouldn't do anything else with my life and that feels so damn good.

Things I Have Been Enjoying Lately

1) Living at my in-laws house while they are away for the Winter at their home in Florida. It's MUCH bigger than ours, has a fancy-schmancy kitchen with a big copper hood, a farm house sink, a giagantor viking stove, a fireplace, a huge shower with 75 sprayers, and is literally 5 minutes from the hospital and 10 minutes from Trevors workplace.

2) Oh yeah, and it's within WALKING distance to yoga. Holy Moly. So awesome.

3) Being a friggin NURSE! I love nursing! I love it, I love it, I love it! I have worked in health care for 6 years now as a "tech" (nurses assistant) and a unit secretary. I have always enjoyed my job, but now I am in LOVE. I love the hospital I work for, I love the small community setting, I love that it is growing and is always striving to improve. I love the $$$. I make 3x what I used to make with the hourly pay increase as well as the increase in hours/week I work.

4) Not being in school. Every time I get a moment to relax...I feel guilty and anxious for a little while. When I recognize these feelings and ask myself "Why?" I realize it's because I think I should be STUDYING! I'm all frantic thinking there's some approaching test or performance exam. But really there's nothing. Nothing.
SWEET!

5) Spending time with Trevor. We have been apart 3 nights a week (3 days straight actually because of his daytime work schedule and my evening work schedule) for the last 3 years. Every night we get to hang out. Also, now that I get to see him everyday, I don't feel guilty or sad when I make plans with friends because I know I'll have plenty of time with him.

6) The new "My Starbucks Idea" website. I was a Starbucks barista 10 years ago. This makes me understanding of their jobs and also a little bit of an asshole when my simple drink request gets f-ed up EVERY TIME I ORDER ONE OF THEIR $5 DRINKS. This website has allowed me to vent about my Starbucks frustrations to someone other than my cousin Katie...also a former Starbucks Barista, as well as make me feel as though these frustrations are being heard by the Starbucks "Man".

That's pretty much it right now! I know that's a lot to be thankful for and enjoy...I'm just settling into my new schedule and life. It is certainly taking some adjustments...but all is good.

How about you? How have you been? What have you been enjoying lately?