Today.

My father in law is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago...a rare type with no real course of treatment. He was told he could live 6 months or 5 years. He took the long way and did it with strength and courage.
I do this for a living...I care for oncology patients through their struggles with their disease. I care for them when they get the first diagnosis. I care for them in their last days, hours, minutes. I have sat with many during their last breath. It is always powerful, always sad, always earth shattering, always beautiful. In that moment life becomes so small and so big all at once. With each of those moments I become more of who I am.

Now. Now, I am at the bedside of a great man. He is dying. My husbands father. His Daddy. His everything. We gather around him giving him comfort, reassurance. He knows he can trust us to do what is right. I am using my experience to gently float this family on a feather down the roughest waters. I am trying to be their nurse and also their family. Trying to be honest but not clinical. Realistic....but not harsh.

I always say that this job I have is the greatest teacher. I feel I know the secrets....I've been told by my patients. They share with me what they have learned so that I may see what is truly important in this life.

Let them be the ones to give me strength now. Let me be all that I need to be.

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of our special pup Sativa.

 

This was the last picture taken of her....that night she passed away in our arms. She was 12. The love of our lives until Elkey came along. Trevor got her right after he was first diagnosed with cancer the 1st time. She was with him through chemo, radiation, moving from state to state. Meeting me. Falling in love. Buying our first home. Getting married. 5 years of marriage. Our first child.

Vacations, a million snow falls, hugs, kisses, road trips galore. She was a hunter....she was a romper.

We miss you Huskie. You gave us a reason to go play in the deepest snow on the coldest days. You warmed our hearts with your playful smiles. My heart hurts without you here. See you in Heaven my sweet girl.

Life.

Life has really chewed my ass these last few months. Unfortunately it did not actually remove any of the fat from my ass....it just chewed me up and spit me out.

Trying to find balance and identify priorities and muster up strength. Wondering how other people do it. Wishing I could too. Wanting to be a great mama, have the endurance to make it through my day as a good nurse, and still have enough at the end to be a good wife.

I've sure had a lot of chances in this life. More than most. Hoping I have the maturity to make proper decisions and make the most of this opportunity. To learn and grow and lay down a foundation for me and my family.

I am definitely grateful for this life and for all that I DO have. It's silly and wasteful and childish to wish for more. I have all that I could ever need....my health....and love. A family.

I hope that you are able to find the true meaning of this Holiday Season...in whatever way you celebrate. I hope that you too are able to muster through the difficulties of these times and recognize all that you have.

XOXO

13 things I am doing on this day, the 13th of October

1) Trying to visualize my office / dining room area rearranged to accommodate dogs new living area, as she is getting old and having a difficult time navigating our home and its slippery hardwoods.

2) Rearranging my bedroom. Again. It's a thing I can't stop doing.

3) Fantasizing about a new 48 oz. French Press...

4) Considering beginning my Christmas List

5) Preparing for Trevor to be gone at the Ranch from Friday to Wednesday. Wondering how I will manage to drink my usual amount of Oktoberfest Beer with a 4 month old around and no sober husband within a 500 mile radius. Oh Yeah....Grama Swanie!

6) Nursing a very screwed up lower back after hurting myself at work. 5K plans on hold....no running for this chubby girl until I lose some of this weight through diet and other forms of exercise. Too hard on my joints and low back.

7) Enjoying having Elkey sleep in her room at night....and *almost* through the night at that.

8) Wanting to burn all the CRAP that is cluttering my home and start anew.

9) Wishing the Money Fairy would come for a visit and take care of my medical bills and relieve some of our stress up in here!

10) Watching DVR'd Bravo shows...Rachel Zoe, Million Dollar Listings, Flipping Out, Top Chef, Real Housewives(any season) LOVE BRAVO!

11) Obsessively watching the video monitor...trying to will the baby to nap longer...Mama needs a break.

12) Deciding what pie I will bake for Thanksgiving....I'm thinking this one

13) Enjoying the dinner my husband made me...even though my eyelids are sweating because the top of the hot sauce "became unclogged" as he was spicing the dish.

I used to be an Athlete.

This is going to be short and sweet because I have NOT STOPPED SINCE 7AM.

I used to be and athlete. So strong....with lots of muscle. I loved my muscles. Especially my calves. I ran in the mountains, climbed rock faces, biked logging roads through the ponderosa pines. Completed two marathons in Alaska. I had endurance.
I felt so good. I even liked my body...

Now. Now....holy shit. I am overweight. Like 60 lbs overweight and it's not all from the baby. Only about 10-15 lbs is left over from that.
I feel weak. Slow. Sluggish. Gross. FAT FAT FAT.
I can't do shit.

Today this former marathon runner started the Couch to 5K running program. In the dark. Because I'm to embarrassed by my body. Don't want people to see me lumbering through the streets. My knees hurt, my calves burned. I felt like I was carrying a 7 year old on my back. My fat exterior floated up and down around my weakened muscles. Like sausage casing.

After the first minute of running I almost started to cry. I almost turned back.

But I didn't. I kept going. I pounded the pavement in the dark. A shadow under the street lamps of my little town. Wearing my industrial strength sports bra made in Germany. I finished.

Workout 1 complete. Two more months left and 23 workouts left until my 5K. The Lincolnwood Turkey Trot.

After my run tonight....I gave up my last caramel filled, espresso cream cheese topped, dulce de leche birthday cupcake to my husband.

It's the end of an era....I hope.

Heartbreaker

Ummmm. Hiya. I am updating from my iTouch while breast feeding in my very dark bedroom which is completely disheveled....much like my life is. Did you know that while babies are adorable and breathtaking and lifechanging and totally the best thing ever..... They are also really hard and also flabbergasting?

I am tired. And I start work Monday. And that kills me. Not the tired part (although I am sure that IS killing me softly) but the work part. I will miss the shit out of my baby girl. My heart is breaking.

That is all for now.

Smooshy Squooshy Fussy Mussy

We are in the midst of a "fussy stage" right now. Yowzaahs. Won't sleep in her bassinet, or her swing, or her bouncy chair. Only on her mama's chest. Oh....and on the hammock. Which was made of a pretty striped canvas-y type material purchased at IKEA last year and left outside to rot all winter....so today when I sat on it for the mafizillionth time in the last week to quiet my fussy muss, it tore....in half. My ass bone landed on a very hard root and Elkey began to scream even louder. It was great. Then I tried to go for a walk with her in the stroller to my local sandwich shop to get a delicious lunch....but the screaming did not end and I was forced to retreat back home. Hungry and wired with fussy baby frenetic energy.



Deep Breaths...........